Boyfriend lied to me..forgive or break up?

[Anonymous]

I feel lying is bad, even if it is early. I remember a man I was dating lied about his age. My friends dismissed it.

It turned out he was lying about way more than that, and it got much worse.

A man who lies that easily will lie a lot.

[Anonymous]

How early in the relationship did you talk about finances? Did you bring it up? I would have been purposely vague because (early on) it’s none of your business.

[Anonymous]

What was he doing with his money prior to meeting you that he was making more, but had little savings and some debt?

How long have you been together?

Is he going to slide back into his old money ways once married?

The trick is to try and figure out if he will hide money issues going forward. Some people are money morons to their very core. My Ex was one. Discussing goals prior to marriage he just agreed with all my goals because he wanted us to get married. We worked on his debts and savings prior to getting married. The old ways just crept back in later and he kept it hidden until he no longer could.

[Anonymous]

Break up . He’s a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think this will depend on how much you trust him generally and whether this really shakes your trust or whether it's kind of a tangent. Only you can know because it's very relationship specific. My husband did something very similar when we were engaged. He was transitioning career paths while we were dating and was not doing very well financially, which he was honest about. At some point once we got engaged, he got a great job and I thought we were in the clear and eventually got married. I think literally a couple months into our relationship, I found out that he took on a decent chunk of credit card debt (he knew that this was a big no no for me) right before he got the new job. He said he was running low on funds but still wanted to take me out on dates etc so he used the credit card, figuring that he would pay it back once he got a new job. Meanwhile, he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad and he figured he would just pay it back with his new savings (which he did). I was really pissed and felt like he deceived me, and I had just married him!

Perhaps a lot of women here wouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, and we're still married. I trust his intentions, even if I don't always trust his methods. I know that I can come off as pretty intense and intimidating when it comes to finances. Anyways, our solution is that I basically control all the finances. That way I see everything coming in and going out. It works for us because clearly he is not great with finances and I prioritize it, so it's my responsibility. You'll have to see if there is a way for you guys to compromise in the future. Your bf's lie shows that he is defensive about his finances (and intimidated as you say). If your earning differences stay consistent, would he ever get comfortable with that? Is he willing to learn from you on buffing up his finances? Would he be willing to put you in charge of finances if you marry?

I trust him besides this. I’ve looked at it all and he doesn’t have any other debt. He had some student loans left that he has since paid off. He really stepped up on saving and he’s good now. He doesn’t have any credit card debt and has never had any.

Jesus. Ok! Then forgive the guy and move on already. Why the hell did you post if you were just going to defend him at every turn?

Thirst

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much debt he has and how much he said he had?

He said he had zero. He had like $5k. He didn’t have much in savings but he said he did. He paid that off and saved a lot since dating.

I think the DC area is a different animal when it comes to all of this.

5k to a good chunk of the population here is really fairly inconsequential. Equivalent to monthly credit card spend or virtually zero debt compared to income.

And a thirty year old with minimal savings in the DC are is not as big of a deal as it is in other parts of the country. The cost of living here is higher percentage of salary early compared to other areas. But you have significantly more opportunities for substantial growth / pay increases to more than make up for that early lack of savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How early in the relationship did you talk about finances? Did you bring it up? I would have been purposely vague because (early on) it’s none of your business.

+1
I feel like you backed him into a corner early. He’s since improved his finances. What more do you want? He can’t change the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel lying is bad, even if it is early. I remember a man I was dating lied about his age. My friends dismissed it.

It turned out he was lying about way more than that, and it got much worse.

A man who lies that easily will lie a lot.

Women lie about weight, job, etc., etc. Does that make them damaged goods and unacceptable as a partner?

"OMG, Bob, she told be she weighed 115! The reality is she weighs 125!"

"Well, Jim, just dump the lyin' B. Probably lied about everything else too."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel lying is bad, even if it is early. I remember a man I was dating lied about his age. My friends dismissed it.

It turned out he was lying about way more than that, and it got much worse.

A man who lies that easily will lie a lot.

Women lie about weight, job, etc., etc. Does that make them damaged goods and unacceptable as a partner?

"OMG, Bob, she told be she weighed 115! The reality is she weighs 125!"

"Well, Jim, just dump the lyin' B. Probably lied about everything else too."

I've never lied about my weight or my job. I mean also I've never had a date ask me my weight? Who does that.

[Anonymous]

I’d consider this a white lie I think.
He had sent he’s paid off and he has savings, so he is responsible with money.
Unless you’ve have other concerns I would forgive this.

[Anonymous]

Debt not sent

[Anonymous]

Breakup! He’s a manipulator and a liar.

[Anonymous]

Dealbreaker for sure.

Like the old adage says…..

If he is comfortable lying to you about this, then he will be comfortable lying about other stuff too.

Mark my words here.

[Anonymous]

If you have no other reservations about him, I would be okay moving forward.

He made a mistake (sounds like he didn’t want to be rejected for his relatively small debt and lack of savings by you and made a bad decision), and from then on has shown that he can step up when an issue is important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he found out early on in dating you that you're doing well financially and he lied so as not to lose his sugar mama? Tracks.

I think it’s the opposite, he’s too insecure to have a woman doing better than him financially so he lied to puff himself up and look “better” than her.

This is not a good trait in a partner. He’s too insecure to have a woman earn more than him. He will always try to dull your shine so you never overshadow him. He will not build you up to make your partnership stronger, he will tear you down so he’s always bigger.

It’s not JUST the lie here, it’s the toxicity of the particular lie. I’d be very wary of moving forward.