Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

Work is work. Hire her some daytime help. It should not be you.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were preschool/infant, I did all drop offs and pickups myself. You schlep the infant everywhere; they sleep in the car. If it wasn't working out and the older one missed preschool -gasp!- no big deal at all. I actually miss those days.

[Anonymous]

OP - this sounds so eerily like my life I would think you were my husband absent except for a few details.

That said, a couple things: you sound like my DH, a true partner and a good dad. I think your wife is being unreasonable, but I also think that maybe she just lashed out rather than really meaning what she said. I think maybe she needed a minute to herself, and this is how it came out. I have done this too, and later regret and talk to DH about what I actually needed in the moment.

What has helped me is always talking and being very clear about expectations, esp on snow days, and also being very clear about what I need (like I must have xyz time today to do x, when can you help me get that). What has helped me too is being super clear to DH that when I snap it is just because I’m frustrated, not because I actually think he’s a bad dad, bad partner, whatever. And I work really hard to tell him how much I appreciate everything he does.

No, I don’t think you are being unreasonable but yes I think you guys need to figure out how to make this work. And no, we don’t have a nanny and both of us work after the kids go to bed and yes our life is still pretty great. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's not about work life balance. You have good work life balance. It's about her being unhappy home on maternity leave with a 3-month old who probably isn't sleeping much, and her resentment spilling onto you because you happen to be home.

My spouse worked at home when my kids were tiny (and I was mostly home with them) and I felt very resentful at times that he got to sit at a computer, read the occasional news article or internet site, stroll downstairs to make lunch, work mostly uninterrupted. If he'd have been at an office it wouldn't have ben as resentment-making, I don't think, because it would have been out of sight. But having him right there, yet not available, was somehow harder. It's not a rational reaction but it's having a 3 month old.

[Anonymous]

She’s being totally unreasonable. Just because you WFH doesn’t mean you’re available during work hours (I certainly am not in my job - can hardly fit in changing a load of laundry most days).

I think your best bet is to hold the line that during work hours, work needs to be your priority - especially on days when you’ve made clear you have commitments. But let her know that you hear her that it feels like you are not showing up for her and the family and ask if there are things you could be doing during non-work hours or other things you could both do to relieve the stress (hire a sitter?).

Honestly though, it’s pretty ridiculous that she wouldn’t be taking 100% lead of taking care of the kids while she’s on leave and you have presentations to the c-suite. In our family the other parent (mom or dad) would be going out of their way to get kids out of the house and give you space on a once-a-quarter important work day.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s struggling. Keep your work schedule but just check in more via text if you can during the work day.

My husband and I both work from home and he gets more absorbed in phone calls. I never know if he’s coming up for air to run to the bus stop or get our daycare kid - little texts from him like “wrapping up a call and will do bus pickup today” would help. I get a little frustrated that only I seem to be aware of the time of day with respect to the impact on the kids schedules. I wonder if she is looking for something like that, little indications of whether you’re ending at 5 or running 15 mins late, for example.

My point is there may be a relatively simple fix that doesn’t involve changing your work style.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is unreasonable and I would have been pissed to get that passive-aggressive text in the middle of getting ready for the presentations. But this is your life so you have to talk to her about making this liveable for both of you. It’s only going to get worse once she goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

I don’t think either of them ever have two kids for five minutes, let alone an entire day. This probably really threw the wife for a loop.
OP should take both kids for an hour or two in the morning when he takes the older one to daycare. And his wife should take them both in the afternoons, so she doesn’t have to worry about the OP working a few minutes late.

This thing where neither one of them ever takes both kids solo is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kids were preschool/infant, I did all drop offs and pickups myself. You schlep the infant everywhere; they sleep in the car. If it wasn't working out and the older one missed preschool -gasp!- no big deal at all. I actually miss those days.

Yes! I don’t get what’s going on with the daycare pickup at all. DW can take the baby. Or OP can be responsible for the baby while he finishes up something for 10 minutes.

DH and I used to work in the same hospital, and sometimes he would hand over DS in a car seat while I was finishing up sign-out. Unless she is handing over an actively crying baby, taking care of a 3 month old for ten minutes is really not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

I don’t think either of them ever have two kids for five minutes, let alone an entire day. This probably really threw the wife for a loop.
OP should take both kids for an hour or two in the morning when he takes the older one to daycare. And his wife should take them both in the afternoons, so she doesn’t have to worry about the OP working a few minutes late.

This thing where neither one of them ever takes both kids solo is insane.

+1
That's what I said just above. The infant gets schlepped. NBD. They sleep in their carrier. You build muscles.

[Anonymous]

This is why people hire out childcare.

Not sure why either parent can’t handle 2 DC esp with that age span. I would check in to make sure DW isn’t having some MH issues related to being post pregnancy.

And WFH obviously still means you are working. Hire some childcare help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

I don’t think either of them ever have two kids for five minutes, let alone an entire day. This probably really threw the wife for a loop.
OP should take both kids for an hour or two in the morning when he takes the older one to daycare. And his wife should take them both in the afternoons, so she doesn’t have to worry about the OP working a few minutes late.

This thing where neither one of them ever takes both kids solo is insane.

I remember in the early days I felt stressed about caring for both kids and later caring for both kids and finishing work. I have vivid memories of 2 moments where my husband was trying to be sympathetic and he was like, yes, it’s hard to take care of both children at once! And he’s not a jerk so he didn’t mean it meanly but they were moments that shook me back to reality. Things aren’t always easy or unpleasant but that doesn’t mean they are unreasonably hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a lunatic. It may be because of the hormones and being lonely, but she’s being crazy nonetheless.

Working 5-10 extra minutes after 5pm every day, and having a 5 hour block of commitment (in lieu of flying to the west coast for four days) once a quarter does not make for a “less flexible job doing a stressful time” as another poster suggested.

Your wife is currently on mat leave and should be able to figure out two kids for one day. You already do morning drop off normally.

There is a zero percent change your wife is going back to work, just to warn you. She can’t handle a single snow day with two kids, so she sure isn’t going to handle balancing two kids and a job. Plan accordingly. And know that all the help you hire now she’ll insist on keeping when she continues to stay home.

I don’t think either of them ever have two kids for five minutes, let alone an entire day. This probably really threw the wife for a loop.
OP should take both kids for an hour or two in the morning when he takes the older one to daycare. And his wife should take them both in the afternoons, so she doesn’t have to worry about the OP working a few minutes late.

This thing where neither one of them ever takes both kids solo is insane.

I remember in the early days I felt stressed about caring for both kids and later caring for both kids and finishing work. I have vivid memories of 2 moments where my husband was trying to be sympathetic and he was like, yes, it’s hard to take care of both children at once! And he’s not a jerk so he didn’t mean it meanly but they were moments that shook me back to reality. Things aren’t always easy or unpleasant but that doesn’t mean they are unreasonably hard.

Pleasant not unpleasant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people hire out childcare.

Not sure why either parent can’t handle 2 DC esp with that age span. I would check in to make sure DW isn’t having some MH issues related to being post pregnancy.

And WFH obviously still means you are working. Hire some childcare help.

Sounds like the older kid is is daycare all day. Does the wife have friends? I found having friends to see while I was on leave made all the difference - I had it one time but not the other.

[Anonymous]

Stupid struggles of people from majority culture is so entertaining.

A marriage headed for divorce.