Won't stop coming home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% acceptance rate - huh?

Does the OP mean they are letting their kid come home only 50% of the time? Acceptance rate to home?

I think OP is pointing out that it was not a very selective school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your child is struggling with homesickness and adjusting to college life, which is completely normal, especially in the first year. Here are some things you might try to help with the transition:

1. Set Expectations for Staying on Campus – If they come home every weekend, they aren’t fully immersing themselves in college life. Encourage them to stay on campus at least every other weekend to start. Frame it as an experiment rather than a strict rule.

2. Validate Their Feelings – Let them know it’s okay to miss home, but remind them that discomfort is part of growing and that they will feel more at home if they give it time.

3. Encourage Small Steps Toward Engagement – They don’t need to jump into a bunch of activities all at once, but encourage them to try one new thing each week—attending a club meeting, going to a campus event, or studying with a classmate.

4. Help Them Find a Comfortable Space on Campus – If their dorm room doesn’t feel like home, maybe they can find a favorite study spot, coffee shop, or library space that feels welcoming.

5. Encourage Open Communication With the Roommate – Living with someone new is a challenge, and they might not become best friends. If issues arise, encourage direct but kind communication or seeking mediation from an RA.

6. Connect With Others in Similar Situations – A lot of freshmen feel the same way. Maybe they can find a classmate or another student who also goes home often and challenge each other to stay on campus one weekend.

7. Use Campus Resources – Many schools have counseling services, residence life support, or peer mentorship programs that could help them feel more connected.

Would they be open to setting a short-term goal, like staying on campus two weekends in a row or attending one club meeting in the next month? Sometimes small challenges like that make the adjustment feel more manageable.

Wow. You are really good at this. I was going to recommend setting up the boyfriend to get busted cheating so she wouldn't want to come home any more. I like your ideas better.

This is just ChatGPT-generated drivel.

I agree. Reads like ChatGPT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid goes to UMD. 40 minutes from home. He would come back during the weekend like clockwork. We were thrilled to see him and never asked him why. I would send him back with care package, washed and ironed his laundry, supplies.

Anyways, over the years, he comes less and less. Stays in an off campus apartment. During the summer, he comes but gets busy with his internships. We don't worry about it. He has friends, joined a few clubs, getting good grades, interning for money each summer etc.

Give your kid time. Don't create a problem where none exists.

+100

If DC gets into one of our local universities I will welcome them anytime they come home and be the safe landing pad we’ve always been. Trust me OP - it will not always be this way. And then after college even less so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he hasn't found his place on campus or made friends, which is pretty common at that age. After adolescence, forming bonds takes more effort than during childhood because self-consciousness makes it harder to let down walls. The hack for getting around this problem is to join a fraternity.

Pledgeship forces those walls down, creating the kind of fast friendships he probably made as a kid. By the end of the process, he won’t be asking to come home. When you talk to him on the phone or see him on breaks, he'll be talking about his college friends and experiences instead of reminiscing about high school or wishing things were the way they used to be.

He’ll also be set for the next three years: god status on campus, access to the best parties, tailgates, and girls, and a lucrative network that will open doors after graduation. There’s a reason fraternity men have higher GPAs, graduation rates, and starting salaries than GDIs.

Being social and a normcore sports loving guy who likes to drink is enough. Don't have to join a frat.

Extroversion, family HHI, and acceptable looks probably explain most of what PP attributes to frat membership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a family rule that we were not to come home before Thanksgiving.

I would set a date when you are going to visit them (stay in a hotel, one overnight) but they are not to come home until .... whenever. Spring break maybe.

Wow that’s mean. Some kids take longer to separate and get used to it. Living away isn’t for everyone anyway.

[Anonymous]

The 50% acceptance rate within 2 hours of a major metro area is a classic definition of a suitcase college. That’s why it’s relevant.

There are two schools in Virginia with the reputation. I’m not naming them because defenders will show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is going to a university ~2 hrs away from our home and keeps coming home on weekends. We also hear frequently about how much they want to come home when they are there (~50% acceptance rate). DC has yet to attend any club meetings and is having a hard time adjusting to living away from home, with a roommate, not having family nearby. Any advice?

My son came home often during his freshman year. He’s a junior now and we rarely see him.

Transition is difficult and sometimes it take awhile for them to find their friend circle.

Encourage clubs and keeping his dorm room door open. This is the pandemic generation who spent a lot of time alone at home.

Sometimes it’s a college that isn’t a good fit but in my son’s scenario, it was a party animal roomate which was a mismatch for my son’s lifestyle. He couldn’t sleep and he hadn’t met good friends yet.

He has a single dorm now and friends 3 doors down. Transition is difficult!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had the same issue last semester, which was DD's first semester away, as she was a transfer and transferred in as a sophomore to a school ~2hrs away.

Last semester, just having turned 20, we kept telling DD to stop coming home to hang out w/ her one friend here, and a boyfriend that she stupidly started going out with in early August before she moved to campus.

We told her again and again to go to clubs/activities... she made a few friends, but not enough...

I did consider pulling the car, but those kind of actions cause all sorts of other repercussions, so we never went that far...

Eventually, and thankfully, her and the boyfriend broke it off, her grades suffered as a result of coming home too frequently, and not going back in time. When applying for internships, she saw companies wanted to know her current GPA. All that was a bit of a wake up call to her.

She rushed last month, and although we were initially not fans of that, i think it is good for her as it enabled her to find more friends and community on campus. Despite us telling her to go to clubs and activities last semester.

Sometimes, they need to just figure it out themselves. And it's just hard to make it happen.

I was beginning to have regrets that she was going away to college, but not far away enough... It seems to be better now. She hasn't come home yet... I would prefer it stays that way until at least Spring break.

I have been on DCUM for over a decade and I have never checked out the college thread. I found my peeps. I had the same experience with my DD last semester!

[Anonymous]

Coming home is the symptom. The problem is depression or anxiety. Forcing them not to come home won’t address the problem.

[Anonymous]

Coming home and spending the entire weekend home every weekend is not good, especially if done in the early weeks of school. The weekends are when people meet others. At this point it’s too late to really do anything about it and hopefully it will naturally cure itself or they will transfer.

My kids didn’t really want to come home those early weeks but I did visit and take them to lunch a few weeks in. Their fall break was the first time they came home (early October) and I felt that was perfect timing.

I participated in a national level sport when I was a freshman that required me to come home every other weekend (and i was 7 hours away!) until October. I definitely missed alot of bonding particularly with my roommate but I found my group and eventually pledged a sorority. I will say missing those early weekends most definitely affected my ability to make friends.

[Anonymous]

I did that my freshman year- I was homesick and really disliked my roommate. I had some trouble connecting with the girls in my dorm- I was on a floor with some confident, socially dominant girls who bonded by being a little "too mean" and edgy.
Late in the year, I became friendly with another group in my dorm, broke up with my HS boyfriend (at a different college) and learned to manage my school work better which lessened stress.
I would not prevent your DD from coming home. I think she will figure it out, but it may take more time.

[Anonymous]

Buddy of mine at UVa had a bad roommate situation with their (randomly assigned) 1st year roommate in the 1st year dorms. That buddy slept most nights that year on a sofa in a computer room far across Grounds. Was in their assigned dorm maybe twice a day - shower, change clothes. They went home on the weekend when possible because it was a better place to live, sleep, and study.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your child is struggling with homesickness and adjusting to college life, which is completely normal, especially in the first year. Here are some things you might try to help with the transition:

1. Set Expectations for Staying on Campus – If they come home every weekend, they aren’t fully immersing themselves in college life. Encourage them to stay on campus at least every other weekend to start. Frame it as an experiment rather than a strict rule.

2. Validate Their Feelings – Let them know it’s okay to miss home, but remind them that discomfort is part of growing and that they will feel more at home if they give it time.

3. Encourage Small Steps Toward Engagement – They don’t need to jump into a bunch of activities all at once, but encourage them to try one new thing each week—attending a club meeting, going to a campus event, or studying with a classmate.

4. Help Them Find a Comfortable Space on Campus – If their dorm room doesn’t feel like home, maybe they can find a favorite study spot, coffee shop, or library space that feels welcoming.

5. Encourage Open Communication With the Roommate – Living with someone new is a challenge, and they might not become best friends. If issues arise, encourage direct but kind communication or seeking mediation from an RA.

6. Connect With Others in Similar Situations – A lot of freshmen feel the same way. Maybe they can find a classmate or another student who also goes home often and challenge each other to stay on campus one weekend.

7. Use Campus Resources – Many schools have counseling services, residence life support, or peer mentorship programs that could help them feel more connected.

Would they be open to setting a short-term goal, like staying on campus two weekends in a row or attending one club meeting in the next month? Sometimes small challenges like that make the adjustment feel more manageable.

Wow. You are really good at this. I was going to recommend setting up the boyfriend to get busted cheating so she wouldn't want to come home any more. I like your ideas better.

This is just ChatGPT-generated drivel.

Got it—you’re looking for something more real and actionable. Your kid is clearly struggling, and I imagine it’s tough on you too.

Here’s the bottom line: coming home every weekend is keeping them from adjusting. They might feel like home is their only safe space, but the more they rely on it, the harder it will be to feel comfortable at school.

What You Can Do:
1. Set a Hard Limit on Visits – Maybe they can come home once a month instead of every weekend. If that’s too much, start with every other weekend and then extend it.

2. Give Them a Reason to Stay on Campus – Help them find one thing to do over the weekend—a club meeting, a study group, a campus event. Offer an incentive if needed.

3. Cut Back on the "Come Get Me" Calls – If they call/text about wanting to come home, be supportive but don’t immediately offer to pick them up. Ask what they can do on campus to make things better at that moment.

4. Address the Roommate Issue Head-On – If the roommate is part of the problem, suggest they talk to their RA or look into a different living situation. But remind them that learning to live with different people is a life skill.

5. Remind Them That Growth Happens in Discomfort – College is supposed to be an adjustment. Let them know they don’t have to love every second of it, but they do need to give it a fair shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid goes to UMD. 40 minutes from home. He would come back during the weekend like clockwork. We were thrilled to see him and never asked him why. I would send him back with care package, washed and ironed his laundry, supplies.

Anyways, over the years, he comes less and less. Stays in an off campus apartment. During the summer, he comes but gets busy with his internships. We don't worry about it. He has friends, joined a few clubs, getting good grades, interning for money each summer etc.

Give your kid time. Don't create a problem where none exists.

+100
And he will look back with gratitude for the support his parents consistently showed him. AND, he’ll want to continue coming home to visit as he gets older, bringing his own family with him.

Absolutely. Your home and you should be a safe haven for your kids. These are turbulent and trying times. It is impacting these children, especially because they also had to live through the COVID isolation. Be a rock for your kid and they should know that their parents are always going to be there for them.

Give them roots so that they can fly. You should always want your kid to have a place to go and people who love them. This is what you are giving them.

[Anonymous]

They are home sick or socially isolated at college. Be supportive. Let them come home. They are not happy.