Won't stop coming home

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your child is struggling with homesickness and adjusting to college life, which is completely normal, especially in the first year. Here are some things you might try to help with the transition:

1. Set Expectations for Staying on Campus – If they come home every weekend, they aren’t fully immersing themselves in college life. Encourage them to stay on campus at least every other weekend to start. Frame it as an experiment rather than a strict rule.

2. Validate Their Feelings – Let them know it’s okay to miss home, but remind them that discomfort is part of growing and that they will feel more at home if they give it time.

3. Encourage Small Steps Toward Engagement – They don’t need to jump into a bunch of activities all at once, but encourage them to try one new thing each week—attending a club meeting, going to a campus event, or studying with a classmate.

4. Help Them Find a Comfortable Space on Campus – If their dorm room doesn’t feel like home, maybe they can find a favorite study spot, coffee shop, or library space that feels welcoming.

5. Encourage Open Communication With the Roommate – Living with someone new is a challenge, and they might not become best friends. If issues arise, encourage direct but kind communication or seeking mediation from an RA.

6. Connect With Others in Similar Situations – A lot of freshmen feel the same way. Maybe they can find a classmate or another student who also goes home often and challenge each other to stay on campus one weekend.

7. Use Campus Resources – Many schools have counseling services, residence life support, or peer mentorship programs that could help them feel more connected.

Would they be open to setting a short-term goal, like staying on campus two weekends in a row or attending one club meeting in the next month? Sometimes small challenges like that make the adjustment feel more manageable.

[Anonymous]

Do you have relatives or friends who live near your kid’s college? They can provide an occasional change of scenery and familiarity as long as they don’t become a crutch for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he hasn't found his place on campus or made friends, which is pretty common at that age. After adolescence, forming bonds takes more effort than during childhood because self-consciousness makes it harder to let down walls. The hack for getting around this problem is to join a fraternity.

Pledgeship forces those walls down, creating the kind of fast friendships he probably made as a kid. By the end of the process, he won’t be asking to come home. When you talk to him on the phone or see him on breaks, he'll be talking about his college friends and experiences instead of reminiscing about high school or wishing things were the way they used to be.

He’ll also be set for the next three years: god status on campus, access to the best parties, tailgates, and girls, and a lucrative network that will open doors after graduation. There’s a reason fraternity men have higher GPAs, graduation rates, and starting salaries than GDIs.

It's that's easy. Buy some Sperrys and Southern Tide, act like a clone of everyone else during rush, pay thousands of dollars in dues, endure three months of physical abuse and personal servitude, and as long as you don't die in a hazing ritual, you'll be magically transformed into a swaggering alpha Greek god male! Beautiful women will see the letters on your shirt and fall at your feet. Golden doors will magically open at your approach. Then, when you have your Bucknell degree in hand, it's off to The Street you go to stack cheese! PP has seriously discovered the cheat code to life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d tried to be there for them. Your child is obviously going through a difficult time. What’s so wrong with wanting to be with family? I was in this position when I was in college. My parents were not supportive. I ended up moving in with a terrible boyfriend. It would’ve been much better to have been accepted at home. College dorm life living with strangers isn’t for everyone.

I think if that is the case, then going to a commuter school might be the solution? However, I do see that there is significant benefit from figuring it out, growing into adulthood by going away to campus. Making new friends, and finding yourself. The problem when you are away at school but coming home all the time is that you never make community at school, and then you dislike being at school more, and are homesick more...

If the child is not ever fitting in being away, then perhaps one should go to a school around the home, depending on where one lives... for the DMV, like a GMU, UMCP, Marymount, etc...

[Anonymous]

I would be as disappointed in them coming home, like this, as I would be if they were getting failing grades. They have a challenge in front of them, a maturity challenge.

[Anonymous]

I was like your child my first year of college. I didn’t have a car, but took the bus/got rides home several times the first semester. My mom also came and got me at least twice (although one was because I was sick).

It wasn’t for lack of support— I was making friends in my dorm and had several friends from high school who were there on campus with me. I tried counseling, but was not very open to it and stopped going after a few sessions.

My parents listened empathetically, didn’t force me to stay at school, always answered my phone calls. My mom even humored me when I wanted to tour another (smaller, less selective, slightly closer to home) college as a potential transfer. I’m sure it wasn’t easy on them! But by end of spring semester, I stopped feeling so homesick and out of place. Very grateful for how my parents let me work that out, while not shutting me out.

[Anonymous]

Embrace your child and enjoy them. Too soon it will change. They need you and need to be home to recharge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make it stop! It will be painful at first but better for them in long run.

Kids need to be away for college.

Why?! How being away from college helps in the long run?
In many countries kids go to college in same town/city where they live with their parents, and they grow up just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make it stop! It will be painful at first but better for them in long run.

Kids need to be away for college.

Why?! How being away from college helps in the long run?
In many countries kids go to college in same town/city where they live with their parents, and they grow up just fine.

Agree. I'm surprised at the number of people who act like it's a good thing to not want to come home. Our society is isolated enough as it is, and it isn't a sign of failure if someone prefers to visit home a lot. I hope my child will want to do the same when he leaves.

[Anonymous]

They're depressed, let them come back.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your child about it? When they come home, what do they do? Hang with the family, stay closed up in their room, see local friends? Have you asked if they want to stay at that college? What are the grades like? Maybe help them create a list or ideas of what they can do to stay on campus on weekends.

It could be that the school isn’t a good fit? Or they aren’t ready to cut the home strings. Each kid matures at their own pace. Was the child a homebody before college?

[Anonymous]

My kid goes to UMD. 40 minutes from home. He would come back during the weekend like clockwork. We were thrilled to see him and never asked him why. I would send him back with care package, washed and ironed his laundry, supplies.

Anyways, over the years, he comes less and less. Stays in an off campus apartment. During the summer, he comes but gets busy with his internships. We don't worry about it. He has friends, joined a few clubs, getting good grades, interning for money each summer etc.

Give your kid time. Don't create a problem where none exists.

[Anonymous]

OP.

DC is a sophomore. I don't want to take away the car- worried about a total breakdown.

Grades aren't good---2.5-3.0 range---business major.

Have asked about specific problems but there doesn't seem to be anything DC can point to as "the" problem.

I have suggested transferring.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered this as a Blessing instead of a concern? I would LOVE to have my DS come home as often as your DC. Yes, DC needs to adjust to their new life and make new friends etc. but maybe they want to go home because they love to be with you?

[Anonymous]

^^ good advice.