Making Mom Friends--should I feel bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

OP here. This is an interesting question and the previous poster who presents as Asian has me wondering if this is a thing--is race playing a part? I am not an immigrant (born and raised in USA), but I'm not white. My parents were South Asian immigrants who moved here in the 1960s. FWIW, one of the moms is "very" white, and the other is Hispanic. Would be interesting to hear more perspectives on this.

Yes, it’s this, or at least partially. All the white moms are friends were friends at our last school. Much better where we are now. And like another PP said, it’s a scale. Minorities who fit the mold fit in better. And last are immigrants who recently came here (and I know some aren’t interested in socializing like that, so it’s not a one way street).

But also, it is like dating. Next time text a few times before suggesting a get together. Like some question/silly complaint about a school project the kids are doing. Then run into each others couple times and see what naturally develops. You’ll show you’re not high maintenance and also let the other person get to know you better. I am very friendly but I don’t have a lot of time. So, you would probably need to make multiple good impressions before I commit to getting together with you one on one. I would invite you to a group event, though, and introduce you to others.

I have witnessed something like this in this area. The Asian and yes needy appearing mom wanting friendship and the two moms being polite and then relieved when that mom left.

I think growing up with different cultural backgrounds, you naturally have different manners and customs. It seems to be more about the norms as opposed to race-related.

Also it does probably have something to do with what area you live in—you are in a more waspy area, correct? West coast is not like this, but parts of the country including dc area and can be.

Keep getting out there and find people more your speed.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel you! The problem is that many moms are usually extremely busy and don’t have time to go out for coffee. Continue volunteering and let those friendships develop organically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM, I assume that everyone - WOHM and SAHM - are stretched to the brim. I think OP jumped the gun. She should have met them a few more times and then asked in a very organic and natural way. If a mom I have met once on a field trip, wanted to meet for coffee then I would ignore it because maybe I am not looking for more friendships or maybe I don't want to add another to-do on my list.

+1 This exactly. Met them just once and then invited them for coffee already? Yikes. They didn’t know how to say no so didn’t respond.

[Anonymous]

Talkative and sharing about their life, then possibly ignoring your coffee invite (through an app that can be easily left on read if seen while she was distracted), looking past you until you were up close enough to get her attention...this could also just be a mom with ADHD. Or a lot on her mind, or possibly coming down with a cold and therefore is out of it...

There is no way of knowing but, be natural and kind as always when you see her at school again. Go with her flow. It may or may not lead to a friendship but in any case, it will give you answers and more opportunities to expand your school community connections

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

OP here. This is an interesting question and the previous poster who presents as Asian has me wondering if this is a thing--is race playing a part? I am not an immigrant (born and raised in USA), but I'm not white. My parents were South Asian immigrants who moved here in the 1960s. FWIW, one of the moms is "very" white, and the other is Hispanic. Would be interesting to hear more perspectives on this.

I'm not that person but I am also the children of South Asian immigrants and yes, absolutely, this plays a part in it. You're different. Just keep reaching out. I moved somewhere new a year and a half ago and definitely don't have any mom friends, just a few acquaintances but we're at the point where they'll chat with me on the sidelines oof sports games or at school events, which they didn't do a year ago, so progress!

[Anonymous]

(Oops, I am the child.... not children of South Asian immigrants)

[Anonymous]

OP, as you can see from this board and some of the posts that I just reported and asked to be removed, white American women don't like South Asian women, even if those women are born and raised in the US. I don't know if it's jealousy or what (I mean, heck, even the East Asian woman on here made a jealous comment about an Indian women's hair, WTF?), but it's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you can see from this board and some of the posts that I just reported and asked to be removed, white American women don't like South Asian women, even if those women are born and raised in the US. I don't know if it's jealousy or what (I mean, heck, even the East Asian woman on here made a jealous comment about an Indian women's hair, WTF?), but it's weird.

C'mon, don't combat some white women being racist by proclaiming that all are. That isn't helpful at all to the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may have asked too soon.

Unless you really hit it off and are like future BFFs who clicked automatically, it is early to try to have one on one coffee with someone you just met. If anything, you would invite their child (and mom) over for a play date and then mom can decide to drop off or not.

When is the right time to ask? I think if you wait after a couple times it could seem weird or you miss your chance.

Extreme example, but one of my kids started kindergarten in Fall 2019. I volunteered in the class room and met several moms I would have enjoyed getting to know better. I always thought I’d keep seeing them at pick up, but Covid needed that. By the time the kids were back in person a year later it would have been weird to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Some private school moms never left their hometown or area. They have established packs, they are snobbish, their once very mediocre towns are high net worth now, so they are so precious. Don't give those types too much thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you can see from this board and some of the posts that I just reported and asked to be removed, white American women don't like South Asian women, even if those women are born and raised in the US. I don't know if it's jealousy or what (I mean, heck, even the East Asian woman on here made a jealous comment about an Indian women's hair, WTF?), but it's weird.

And Indians always stick to themselves so they must hate the whitey

[Anonymous]

I had to move and start over too! It takes time. Coffee date text was too soon.

Do you have a hobby - tennis, yoga, etc? I've made better friends through tennis classes - regular exposure, common interest, similar time availability...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you can see from this board and some of the posts that I just reported and asked to be removed, white American women don't like South Asian women, even if those women are born and raised in the US. I don't know if it's jealousy or what (I mean, heck, even the East Asian woman on here made a jealous comment about an Indian women's hair, WTF?), but it's weird.

And Indians always stick to themselves so they must hate the whitey

I’ve noticed that Indians have a huge network of other Indian friends and family. If your child is white, their Indian friend will not include them in their weekend plans. But the Indians will socialize with entire Indian families on weekends. As a result, the Indian kids are very tight with each other and don’t have close bonds with simple white folk. It’s sad.