Making Mom Friends--should I feel bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

Was going to ask this same question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

OP here. This is an interesting question and the previous poster who presents as Asian has me wondering if this is a thing--is race playing a part? I am not an immigrant (born and raised in USA), but I'm not white. My parents were South Asian immigrants who moved here in the 1960s. FWIW, one of the moms is "very" white, and the other is Hispanic. Would be interesting to hear more perspectives on this.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar experience when my first DC started kindergarten at a school where most of the kids started in pre-K. There were some parents who were friendly (mostly other newcomers), but the established mom clique in that grade was impenetrable and often downright rude to the point that it was weird.

I eventually had better luck making connections when my younger child started at the same school, and through volunteering I made a lot of friends---including some "for life" friends. I ran the school gala and was the PA president for three years, but I still could never get a foothold with the original mom clique. Even the ones who served on the PA board with me continued to be stand-offish. I've since decided that it was a "them" thing and not a "me" thing, and sometimes you just get stuck with a crummy, unfriendly group.

My advice would be to keep trying to find a nice person with a child in your child's grade, but consider volunteering so you can meet more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar experience when my first DC started kindergarten at a school where most of the kids started in pre-K. There were some parents who were friendly (mostly other newcomers), but the established mom clique in that grade was impenetrable and often downright rude to the point that it was weird.

I eventually had better luck making connections when my younger child started at the same school, and through volunteering I made a lot of friends---including some "for life" friends. I ran the school gala and was the PA president for three years, but I still could never get a foothold with the original mom clique. Even the ones who served on the PA board with me continued to be stand-offish. I've since decided that it was a "them" thing and not a "me" thing, and sometimes you just get stuck with a crummy, unfriendly group.

My advice would be to keep trying to find a nice person with a child in your child's grade, but consider volunteering so you can meet more people.

I don't think this is OP's problem though. She specifically said the other moms were NOT rude but friendly and welcoming. The awful truth is, that women can be friendly and welcoming and still want nothing to do with you socially. Usually the friendliest women are the ones who already have a million friends. Those of us who are actively looking for friends can be deceived because they seem so interested and warm.

[Anonymous]

I've moved around a lot so I know exactly what you're talking about.

(1) I second the WhatsApp thing - text seems more natural.
(2) I also STRONGLY second the point about not targeting the friendly, popular moms who chaperone the field trips. They have the friends they need. Even more "nerdy" moms may be "taken". I had met one I really liked, but she was very upfront that she had all the friends she needed and pushed me off on another lady who was new.

I was frankly bitter for a while that the only potential friends who were available were those who were new like me or introverts who hadn't bothered to make friends yet (so I had to be the proactive one). But then I got over it and kept doing all the things to strengthen my friendships with moms who were also looking for friends, and I have enough people to hang out with now.

Also, private school is hard and cliquey, and absolutely if you don't look and sound like the other moms they will not accept you. I was a scholarship kid and they NEVER accepted my parents. I specifically refused to do private or top-rated public for my kids because being around all wealthy people is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

OP here. This is an interesting question and the previous poster who presents as Asian has me wondering if this is a thing--is race playing a part? I am not an immigrant (born and raised in USA), but I'm not white. My parents were South Asian immigrants who moved here in the 1960s. FWIW, one of the moms is "very" white, and the other is Hispanic. Would be interesting to hear more perspectives on this.

Yes, it’s this, or at least partially. All the white moms are friends were friends at our last school. Much better where we are now. And like another PP said, it’s a scale. Minorities who fit the mold fit in better. And last are immigrants who recently came here (and I know some aren’t interested in socializing like that, so it’s not a one way street).

But also, it is like dating. Next time text a few times before suggesting a get together. Like some question/silly complaint about a school project the kids are doing. Then run into each others couple times and see what naturally develops. You’ll show you’re not high maintenance and also let the other person get to know you better. I am very friendly but I don’t have a lot of time. So, you would probably need to make multiple good impressions before I commit to getting together with you one on one. I would invite you to a group event, though, and introduce you to others.

[Anonymous]

Are you outside the USA? I only use WhatsApp to communicate with people in other countries.

[Anonymous]

It’s a WhatsApp issue, op.

[Anonymous]

So weird to text on WhatsApp. His cheap are you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

What a strange take on her post. How in the world would this be about race? Most of us (by that I mean people living in a city) have friends from all races and backgrounds. Even "white" American non-immigrant families have immigrant families, very few people are purely native American, like almost no one.

I don’t think that’s a strange take at all. I present as Asian in appearance and get snubbed or sidelined all the time while white moms and dads talk to each other. The mom with italian parents or big Greek family do not really have issues being identified as “immigrants” or “other.” Similarly, the Indian woman with white lady blow out bob hairstyle married to a white guy also seems to get along ok with the white majority, though more on the margins that the white parents. Meanwhile the true immigrant families want nothing to do with us because our kids aren’t of the old culture enough and have a more American attitude, and we are not culturally old country enough to have comfortable friendships. It’s a reality for many of us.

Ooof this is so well put and has been so true of my experience in the DC area. No problems in other places I’ve lived, all very different from each other, so I know it’s not just me/alllll in my head, like some (white) DCUM posters love to insist, as if they know better. Luckily I have some great groups of friends after living in this area for a while, but it’s still disappointing when it happens again in a new environment, like, “Oh, okay….you don’t see me at all.” I really can’t put it into words as well as PP did but I find her words to be so spot on. I think at heart there’s more conformity or maybe tribalism here, because it’s so political on one hand, but then also there are so many transplants and/or people who aren’t committed to staying in the area, so everyone has their guards up a bit more

[Anonymous]

They liked hanging out with you at a school thing, they saw your message and agreed that it was fun to get to know you, but you asked to get coffee, and they thought, "ugh, I don't know when I have time for coffee" so they didn't respond. And then they saw you in person and felt bad about it, so they were a bit cold. Just be friendly to people at school and keep trying. You will find people who can get coffee sooner or later, but most people are busy.

[Anonymous]

I think it takes time to build these relationships. One time chaperoning a field trip is not much.

But children are an excellent social lubricant. Take advantage of that.

[Anonymous]

Keep volunteering a lot. That gets social value points. Offer to have school buddies over to play, without making their mom stay whole time. Friendships take time. Go to a place of worship. Join the PTA. Make mostly small talk, like travel plans and stuff.
Stay guarded.

[Anonymous]

I think you may have asked too soon.

Unless you really hit it off and are like future BFFs who clicked automatically, it is early to try to have one on one coffee with someone you just met. If anything, you would invite their child (and mom) over for a play date and then mom can decide to drop off or not.

[Anonymous]

I moved in my 40s. Friendships are hard and the socially skilled moms are fully booked. Unless your kids are besties, you’ll need to befriend the moms who are isolated. Anywhere great source of friends are the moms with special needs kids. Society just dumps people if they have a kid who’s perceived as “lesser”. We talk about it periodically in the special needs forum. We don’t lose most of our old friends, but it’s very difficult to make new ones.