Making Mom Friends--should I feel bad?

[Anonymous]

We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

[Anonymous]

They probably don’t read WhatsApp.

[Anonymous]

Just being active in the class group does not mean they pay attention to random messages on WhatsApp. This happened to me once and the mom was like “OMG I missed that. Please text me instead!” We all have too many damn apps.

[Anonymous]

^^^ but also messaging them literally the next day is a bit thirsty…

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes. The thing is that those super friendly moms act like that to everyone. They make you feel special and that's their charisma at play, but when it comes down to it they have a packed social life and don't need any more friends. I know how you feel! I basically fell in love with this one mom because she was so sweet but the truth is I'm nobody to her.
The mom who is actually looking for a real friend is probably quiet and suffers from RBF like me! You haven't even noticed her.

[Anonymous]

I dont know I could have been one of these moms and I actually don't have a social life at all. I only have time for work and kids. But am very friendly in person. And I definitely would have missed your message...I can usually process nonurgent messages in 3-5 days. I would not be able to allocate time to meet someone for coffee, epsecially someone new, so I might even accidentally delay trying to figure out what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know I could have been one of these moms and I actually don't have a social life at all. I only have time for work and kids. But am very friendly in person. And I definitely would have missed your message...I can usually process nonurgent messages in 3-5 days. I would not be able to allocate time to meet someone for coffee, epsecially someone new, so I might even accidentally delay trying to figure out what to say.

Yeah, my read on this is that the moms are too busy to be interested in another friend. They are situational friends. OP you can keep trying. Eventually you will find somebody who is interested.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in your exact situation. It is hard.

It may be that the moms do like you, but don’t have time to meet up so the new people for coffee. Between work, other obligations, existing relationships etc their schedule is busy.

It would be better if you saw them (or other moms in general) at regular intervals where they are not setting aside extra time. Get involved with the PTA or volunteering, sign your kid up for sports- summer swim, little league, rec soccer etc. Easier to work social time in naturally, and easy to add a “hey we are grabbing pizza after the game, anyone want to join us?” type thing that is not such a big commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know I could have been one of these moms and I actually don't have a social life at all. I only have time for work and kids. But am very friendly in person. And I definitely would have missed your message...I can usually process nonurgent messages in 3-5 days. I would not be able to allocate time to meet someone for coffee, epsecially someone new, so I might even accidentally delay trying to figure out what to say.

"Process non-urgent messages in 3-5 days"? GTFO.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM, I assume that everyone - WOHM and SAHM - are stretched to the brim. I think OP jumped the gun. She should have met them a few more times and then asked in a very organic and natural way. If a mom I have met once on a field trip, wanted to meet for coffee then I would ignore it because maybe I am not looking for more friendships or maybe I don't want to add another to-do on my list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know I could have been one of these moms and I actually don't have a social life at all. I only have time for work and kids. But am very friendly in person. And I definitely would have missed your message...I can usually process non-urgent messages in 3-5 days. I would not be able to allocate time to meet someone for coffee, especially someone new, so I might even accidentally delay trying to figure out what to say.

+1
That's me. I am in my own world. I am responsive to my kids, DH and my mom and siblings, but I am very bad in responding to people. And I am a SAHM. Thankfully, my circle of friends know and accept this about me. I need a lot of downtime after meeting people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ but also messaging them literally the next day is a bit thirsty…

Look, OP, if this is the type of person that these moms are, then you are better off without them. I can't imagine getting a text from someone that I had just met that was new to the community and thinking "omg I just met her yesterday, how desperate is she?". Chances are, OP, that she didn't recognize your number on what's app and just didn't even open it to see what it said. If you run into one of them again in person, say "hey, it was great to meet you at the field trip, we're new to the community and I'd love to grab coffee sometime if you're free later this week". It's fine. It's awkward, but we've all been there. Don't worry about it, just try again.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't want to smother them. They fear this though they have no real information. That's the problem. It was too much too soon. It was right after the field trip. they do not have a history with you to know how much contact you are going to expect or what they are getting into - with a relationship with you. Put it on your calendar to reach out to(maybe another way), reach out again in 3 months. Maybe only a couple times a year. Meanwhile they will get to know you better, even if it's from afar and feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Just send a text. Maybe I'm old (well....I am) but why would you correspond through Whats App? That seems strange. Sometimes people send me messaging through LinkedIn and Facebook (people who have had my number for years) - I don't think I would even see a message in those apps.