Making Mom Friends--should I feel bad?

[Anonymous]

WhatsApp?! What?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ but also messaging them literally the next day is a bit thirsty…

OP here. This is actually hilarious and made me LOL. Maybe it was a bit thirsty, and I appreciate from the other posts that maybe it was too much too soon. I will remember this as I continue my quest to make friends.

[Anonymous]

It can take years to establish new friends in a new city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

For the most part I ignore WhatsApp, so don't take that personally. I post there occasionally so it may look like I'm active (I'm not).

Also, many repeated frequent small interactions are how you build trust psychologically. If you want a new friend, you need to move from "stranger" or "acquaintance" category to "trusted" category, psychologically. Just be patient and persistent, kind, not overbearing. It will happen. It's just human psychology.

[Anonymous]

I can be very inpatient. It comes from a loving place. I like the person. When I have a conflict between what I want and what I think is probably more appropriate or their efforts aren't equal to mine, I instead develop a schedule to reach out. A date to do it. Otherwise I would probably overwhelm too many people with my interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't want to smother them. They fear this though they have no real information. That's the problem. It was too much too soon. It was right after the field trip. they do not have a history with you to know how much contact you are going to expect or what they are getting into - with a relationship with you. Put it on your calendar to reach out to(maybe another way), reach out again in 3 months. Maybe only a couple times a year. Meanwhile they will get to know you better, even if it's from afar and feel more comfortable.

You're nuts. If someone I met on a field trip messaged me after THREE MONTHS I doubt I would remember them. Do you even have friends or are you just really awkward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just being active in the class group does not mean they pay attention to random messages on WhatsApp. This happened to me once and the mom was like “OMG I missed that. Please text me instead!” We all have too many damn apps.

+1, I automatically delete messages from unidentified phone numbers on WhatsApp without reading them because they are usually spam. If someone's not in my contacts, they cannot message me via WhatsApp in an introductory way.

I think you should not give up and continue to try and connect with other moms, and then when you feel comfortable, ask one of them in person if you can connect via text. Exchange numbers in person and then you'll be in one another's contacts. WhatsApp just isn't good for what you are using it for, and it's possible that their interaction with you on that one day didn't make enough of an impression for them to hone in on you. I wouldn't take that personally -- you are actively looking to meet people but they already mostly know people and have been at the school for years. So they aren't approaching it as purposefully as you are. It's not a personal slight.

[Anonymous]

I am pp poster 11:24 and I found a previous comment re: "small interactions" helpful. Probably what lacks for many of us is the environment where frequent small interactions is possible.

[Anonymous]

I made the mistake of thinking my kid's school was going to be a new horizon of social engagement. For a while it was, and a few of my kid's friends' parents started having a group of us over for parties, etc. Then it all suddenly changed (younger kids started at the school, they found cooler people they wanted to engage, etc.) and we were suddenly on the margins. It's had an effect on our kid since his playdate scene has been mixed up. This is all to say that I'd caution about investing too much in the way of expectations. If some nice parental connection and organic friendship emerges, take it as an unexpected bonus, but don't expect it nor weight down any of the interactions with that hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

What a strange take on her post. How in the world would this be about race? Most of us (by that I mean people living in a city) have friends from all races and backgrounds. Even "white" American non-immigrant families have immigrant families, very few people are purely native American, like almost no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your exact situation. It is hard.

It may be that the moms do like you, but don’t have time to meet up so the new people for coffee. Between work, other obligations, existing relationships etc their schedule is busy.

It would be better if you saw them (or other moms in general) at regular intervals where they are not setting aside extra time. Get involved with the PTA or volunteering, sign your kid up for sports- summer swim, little league, rec soccer etc. Easier to work social time in naturally, and easy to add a “hey we are grabbing pizza after the game, anyone want to join us?” type thing that is not such a big commitment.

+1 my kids are in HS now and the women who are my closest friends are the ones I got to know this way, sitting on the sidelines of games and going out for pizza or taking the kids to the park after the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your exact situation. It is hard.

It may be that the moms do like you, but don’t have time to meet up so the new people for coffee. Between work, other obligations, existing relationships etc their schedule is busy.

It would be better if you saw them (or other moms in general) at regular intervals where they are not setting aside extra time. Get involved with the PTA or volunteering, sign your kid up for sports- summer swim, little league, rec soccer etc. Easier to work social time in naturally, and easy to add a “hey we are grabbing pizza after the game, anyone want to join us?” type thing that is not such a big commitment.

+1 my kids are in HS now and the women who are my closest friends are the ones I got to know this way, sitting on the sidelines of games and going out for pizza or taking the kids to the park after the game.

I guess this is why I don’t have mom friends. I hate chatting at games and have never felt closer from talking on the sidelines or going out to team meals. I’ve found the moms and dads talk to people they have known and whose kids have been in the same activities since preK. There’s no interest or need to talk to newcomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just moved to a new city mid-year (last month) where my son started 4th grade at a private school. He has adjusted well and made friends. I left my own close-knit group of girlfriends who I met up with usually a few times/week, but have been excited to meet people in my new city.

I decided to jump in with both feet, hoping to get to know the school better and meet other parents, by chaperoning the first field trip of the year. I met a few other moms during the full-day excursion and they were very friendly and open. We had some nice conversations, and I was quite excited by how welcoming they were. The day after the field trip, I messaged two of the moms (separately) that I thought I had clicked with, saying that I enjoyed meeting them and would love to meet up for coffee. They never responded--didn't even acknowledge that they received my WHatsapp message. They have been active on the classroom WhatsApp groups, so I know they are online and receiving messages. Furthermore, I saw them at pick-up times, and they looked right through me as if they didn't recognize me (after having spent the whole day with me and sharing a lot about their lives/children) until I literally was directly in front of them and smiled/said hello. Maybe I'm feeling extra sensitive b/c I miss my friends/family back home and it's been a long time since I've been the "outsider" but I'm feeling rejected. What do you all think? Should I take the hint that they don't want to get to know me and move on, or do you think I should try again? Do people usually respond right away if they want to be friends? I feel like I'm dating

Are you not White? Are you an immigrant?

What a strange take on her post. How in the world would this be about race? Most of us (by that I mean people living in a city) have friends from all races and backgrounds. Even "white" American non-immigrant families have immigrant families, very few people are purely native American, like almost no one.

I don’t think that’s a strange take at all. I present as Asian in appearance and get snubbed or sidelined all the time while white moms and dads talk to each other. The mom with italian parents or big Greek family do not really have issues being identified as “immigrants” or “other.” Similarly, the Indian woman with white lady blow out bob hairstyle married to a white guy also seems to get along ok with the white majority, though more on the margins that the white parents. Meanwhile the true immigrant families want nothing to do with us because our kids aren’t of the old culture enough and have a more American attitude, and we are not culturally old country enough to have comfortable friendships. It’s a reality for many of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in your shoes. The thing is that those super friendly moms act like that to everyone. They make you feel special and that's their charisma at play, but when it comes down to it they have a packed social life and don't need any more friends. I know how you feel! I basically fell in love with this one mom because she was so sweet but the truth is I'm nobody to her.
The mom who is actually looking for a real friend is probably quiet and suffers from RBF like me! You haven't even noticed her.

This is totally me too! I also agree with others that people don't respond to Whatsapp. I have made a lot of situational friends when are kids are in the same activities or we're volunteering on the same project. Those friends change year after year and I notice as the kids change schools, they move on too.

[Anonymous]

We moved 5 years ago. The first year we got invited to a few parties. There were parents who casually asked for a play date at the request of their kid and then would never actually plan a time.

I now get coffee with women I have known casually for years. It doesn’t happen after a day.

This one woman who just moved here did ask me out for coffee and I went. It felt like an awkward date and I wished I had not gone.