My mom is always picking time with my sister over time with me

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP.

My MIL is like this. She is very close with my BIL and only speaks with my spouse when he calls her. She makes no effort with us but showers gifts, paid vacations, free childcare, and other care to BIL and SIL.

Some parents have favorites even when their children are grown. It’s unfortunate but it’s their loss. Grieve it and then you can start accepting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a great group of friends. It’s time to focus more on your family and friends and not worry so much about your parents and extended family.

Do you actually want to spend more than a week in the summer with your parents?

Is your sister divorced? Are you? It sounds like there is more to this dynamic.

If it was me, I’d really drop the rope with them. They just aren’t that in to you and your kids. And that’s ok. Focus on the people who are.

Neither of us are divorced, we strangely both have husbands with pretty significant mental health issues (that don't hugely impact visits and do in roughly the same way) - which is probably part of the dynamic now that i think about it. Neither of us get the adult support or partnership you typically would from a spouse, both our marriages are very one sided support so maybe we each look for that mutually supportive adult relationship more with our mom than typical. I don't turn to her with my problems (she's never been great with emotional stuff and I worry of creating a negative/downer tone to our interactions) but could overweight wanting to feel important and like a priority to her b/c my husband is incapable of prioritizing anything beyond his own needs

Historically no I didn't want more than a week with them but I am really acutely feeling the clock ticking down on their good time so do want to make the most of it. I have a flexible and remote job some more time with them doesn't come at a cost of other trips (they also live in a great summer spot and are fun when they visit us so a week with them doesn't feel like a drag)

This makes me think there could be additional stuff going on with her spouse that you don't know about

[Anonymous]

I wondered and wondered about this. Until, my sister volunteered that she pays for my mom's plane tickets to visit. So does my other sister - but she mainly needs mom for babysitting.
I refuse to do that so I guess my (now adult) kids are missing out.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I get why your mom avoids you. You seem exhausting to be around. You think you are a better than everyone else. Obviously your family prefers to not be around you.

DP. You are such a badass keyboard warrior anonymously criticizing people who have made themselves vulnerable by sharing personal hurts. Does it make you feel like a big person? It should not. Maybe next time consider whether what you are posting is helpful to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She spends probably 2-3x time with my sister. Every time it happens I tell myself all the potential logical reasons why that aren’t she just doesn’t love me as much (my sisters kids are older so time with them is calmer, I have more of a social network so my mom feels less need to fill a social need for me, etc etc) but despite trying to logic myself into not being hurt by it, it still always really hurts and makes me really sad

That all - no question, I’m just sad bc I my mom just casually told me they don’t have much time for my family this summer bc they already planned 3 weeks of visits and travel with my sisters family

In many ways I can relate OP. But with my situation, it was that my sister demanded the time with our father. I never understood this completely but then it became clearer. Squeaky wheel and all that.

[Anonymous]

I invited my parents to go with us on vacation to Ireland this summer. They love to travel and have the money to do so. They really love going to Europe and this trip is truly aligned with their normal travel plans. They have traveled with my siblings before and keep saying they want to travel with my family. Plus, one day of the trip we have to attend an Adult only wedding and asked them if they could watch our kids that day. (normal for our family to make that sort of ask.) They turned us down and said it would just be too much. Which is fine. I get it.

Meanwhile. They are going to the beach with my brother and his family for a few days (so they can help with the kids and babysit one night), and a week long cruise with my sister and her kids (to help her and give her a break). We asked them awhile ago about Ireland, so I am not even sure if they realize how it feels to us.

It stings, even if there are understandable reasons why parents choose one sibling over another. It’s not always apples to apples decision making, but it is hard not to let it bother you.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way too. I have a brother and my mom is always laying out the red carpet for him.

I rationalize it because I know my mom can’t stand my husband. And my brother is divorced with an only daughter. My mom also hated my brother’s ex wife and she did not spend much time with him then.

My mom knows my husband is a good man, but she dislikes his personality and prefers to not be around him… it’s not great and it has strained our relationship to the point that I don’t really want to spend time with my mom either. My kids love her and she loves my kids so I send them to the grandparents alone…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At one point you'll tell them both to their face that since your mother still spends the bulk of her time with your sister, she will also be looked after by said sister in her old age.

And follow through.

+1
I did this.
What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

OP- I’m wondering if your mom is spending more time with your sister because she “makes her feel bad/guilty” and you make it a point not to. The squeaky wheel & all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’m wondering if your mom is spending more time with your sister because she “makes her feel bad/guilty” and you make it a point not to. The squeaky wheel & all that.

MIL is like this. She gives attention to the child who needs it most. DH is a middle child. His younger sister dealt with mental health issues for years. Then his older sister got a divorce and went through a really terrible situation. They no doubt needed help. But after 20 years of this, with DH never being the one who needed his mom the most, the dynamics are set. MIL never visits DH, never calls DH, never reaches out. This spreads to our kids too. His sisters take up all her attention and he never needs his Mom. And now he has no relationship with her beyond an obligatory visit every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I only have sympathy. It's a similar dynamic in my family, only my sister gets way more than 2-3 times the attention. My mother was always bitter I existed and told me so--my mother had me at 20 and is the reason she married my dad. My sister was the planned, wanted child, born 6 years after me. I left home for college and made my own life.

But my mom also lamented "losing" me and was determined not to do so with my sister. The result is they're terribly co-dependent and enmeshed. My sister stayed close for college. My sister married, moved away, and then had a kid at 23. My mother divorced my father to follow me sister. My sister happily took advantage that. My mom needs to be needed, my sister fulfills that. Meanwhile, my sister wants to live a carefree life (my sister has since divorced), and my mom makes that very easy for her.

Eight years ago, we moved and my mom lives about 30 minutes closer to me and has to pass my exit to get to my sister. And yet.....nothing. I used to try and rationalize it, but I couldn't when my husband was ill and I desperately needed my mom to watch my kid so I could be at the hospital with him. But she couldn't, because she promised my sister she'd paint her living room. It drove home to me that I didn't matter, and so I decided she had shown me who she was and I should believe her.

I pulled back dramatically after that. She's never noticed. It's been freeing. I no longer chase after her, and I no longer feel guilty for not jumping when she says jump. But it was a brutal road to get here.

This really resonated with me. I had a very similar dynamic with my parents favoring one of my sisters over me. I realized over time that my favored sister really leaned in to the dynamic too, making the situation so much worse. After years of pain and many tears, I decided to take a huge step back about ten years ago. And I am a million times happier and still have a cordial relationship with all of them.

[Anonymous]

Reading the posts in this thread has been sad but very relatable and cathartic.

I'm the oldest child and my younger brother has always been favored by my mom, likely in part because he's always been needier but also because I think he reminds her of herself as they look quite similar. I moved cross country for college and work and in the decade plus that I was away, she visited me twice. Meanwhile when my brother moved away for college, she followed him.

I moved back home recently in an attempt to improve the relationship but it's only cemented that we will never be close. My mother makes no attempt to know me but peppers my brother with questions about how work is going, what's he been up to, how was the latest trip, etc. We both live close to her but she sees my brother weekly while she sees me every few months.

I recently hosted a get together at my house and my mom arrived before my brother. I was attempting to make conversation with her but she would only give short answers and made no attempt to continue the conversation. After awhile, she got bored and pulled out her phone to scroll TikTok. When my brother arrived, her face lit up and she was suddenly very outgoing.

As much as I now regret moving back home and realize how naive I was to think that I could ever improve things between us, I'm starting to accept it. I've completely stopped making attempts to get closer to her since she's proven that it won't be reciprocated.