My mom is always picking time with my sister over time with me

[Anonymous]

She spends probably 2-3x time with my sister. Every time it happens I tell myself all the potential logical reasons why that aren’t she just doesn’t love me as much (my sisters kids are older so time with them is calmer, I have more of a social network so my mom feels less need to fill a social need for me, etc etc) but despite trying to logic myself into not being hurt by it, it still always really hurts and makes me really sad

That all - no question, I’m just sad bc I my mom just casually told me they don’t have much time for my family this summer bc they already planned 3 weeks of visits and travel with my sisters family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She spends probably 2-3x time with my sister. Every time it happens I tell myself all the potential logical reasons why that aren’t she just doesn’t love me as much (my sisters kids are older so time with them is calmer, I have more of a social network so my mom feels less need to fill a social need for me, etc etc) but despite trying to logic myself into not being hurt by it, it still always really hurts and makes me really sad

That all - no question, I’m just sad bc I my mom just casually told me they don’t have much time for my family this summer bc they already planned 3 weeks of visits and travel with my sisters family

I’m sorry, OP. This dynamic exists in my family too. It is sad.

[Anonymous]

It's not that she doesn't LOVE you as much. Maybe she just enjoys spending time with older kids. Some people really just can't stand babies/toddlers, or don't have patience for naps and tantrums.

[Anonymous]

I would just call her out on it point blank. Seeing her reactions and explanations might tell you a lot about why she does this.

[Anonymous]

Do some self reflection that doesn't include a snark about your sister not having the social network you do.

Maybe your sister is more pleasant and kinder. Maybe they share interests. Maybe she takes more of an interest in your mom as a person. Maybe you suck the energy out of the room.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in different cities?

I am the childless sibling with two sisters.

Here are things my parents used to complain about when visiting my sisters:

-Having to sleep on a pull out couch in the play room and the kids run in at 6am and wake them up. This is when three kids each had their own bedroom and they could have doubled up the kids and let my parents sleep in a real bed with a bedroom with a door.

-Kids not saying thank you for things (like gifts)

-Kids ordering them around. "Grandmama, bring me my Santa gifts to unwrap." "Grandmama, wash my laundry."

-Kids telling them they did not want to go visit them.

-Parents complaining that my elderly parents who had had hip replacement and back surgeries did not want to get on the floor and play games with their kids.

I witnessed these dynamics. My parents were too old and tired and achey to put up with all that for more than a day or two.

Ask yourself honestly - how comfortable are you making your house for your parents to visit? Are your kids nice to them? Are you nice to them?

My parents visited the sister who provided a real bed in a real bathroom and who cooked good meals way more than the sister with the examples above. It wasn't because they loved one more than the other. It was because the guest conditions at one sibling's house were hellish and uncomfortable and the kids were often rude and there wasn't enough food but my sister got offended when they got their own food, etc. It just was not comfortable for them.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell your mom that you wish she spent more time with you and ask why she doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

OP, I only have sympathy. It's a similar dynamic in my family, only my sister gets way more than 2-3 times the attention. My mother was always bitter I existed and told me so--my mother had me at 20 and is the reason she married my dad. My sister was the planned, wanted child, born 6 years after me. I left home for college and made my own life.

But my mom also lamented "losing" me and was determined not to do so with my sister. The result is they're terribly co-dependent and enmeshed. My sister stayed close for college. My sister married, moved away, and then had a kid at 23. My mother divorced my father to follow me sister. My sister happily took advantage that. My mom needs to be needed, my sister fulfills that. Meanwhile, my sister wants to live a carefree life (my sister has since divorced), and my mom makes that very easy for her.

Eight years ago, we moved and my mom lives about 30 minutes closer to me and has to pass my exit to get to my sister. And yet.....nothing. I used to try and rationalize it, but I couldn't when my husband was ill and I desperately needed my mom to watch my kid so I could be at the hospital with him. But she couldn't, because she promised my sister she'd paint her living room. It drove home to me that I didn't matter, and so I decided she had shown me who she was and I should believe her.

I pulled back dramatically after that. She's never noticed. It's been freeing. I no longer chase after her, and I no longer feel guilty for not jumping when she says jump. But it was a brutal road to get here.

[Anonymous]

We need to understand how far apart you all live from each other. Do you invite your mom for dinner, do things with the kids, etc?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you tell her how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible your sister needs her help while you are self sufficient? Parents don't always have bad intentions - it's the every kid gets what they need model. If you need more time with mom, ask for it

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom and sisters personalities mesh better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your sister needs her help while you are self sufficient? Parents don't always have bad intentions - it's the every kid gets what they need model. If you need more time with mom, ask for it

This. My brother is needier than I am, so my mom helps him a ton, but she and I are closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't LOVE you as much. Maybe she just enjoys spending time with older kids. Some people really just can't stand babies/toddlers, or don't have patience for naps and tantrums.

Or, it's that she enjoys time with the other daughter. Op, has it been like this your whole life. Mine has. My mother prefers my brother and his family, then my sister then me.

My brother's daughter got very ill and my mom cried constantly. My sister's daughter got diagnosed with and illness when she was a baby thay has caused her multiple hospitalizations and near death 3 times. It's almost like my mom doesn't really care. She will send a text "pray for Larla. She's fighting for her life." That's it. When my brother's kid gets sick, she's at he hospital, calls all her friends, is always checking in etc. Luckily, my kids are all healthy. If they were sick, I probably wouldn't even get the "pray for Larla" text.

Some parents are hust obvious in their favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I only have sympathy. It's a similar dynamic in my family, only my sister gets way more than 2-3 times the attention. My mother was always bitter I existed and told me so--my mother had me at 20 and is the reason she married my dad. My sister was the planned, wanted child, born 6 years after me. I left home for college and made my own life.

But my mom also lamented "losing" me and was determined not to do so with my sister. The result is they're terribly co-dependent and enmeshed. My sister stayed close for college. My sister married, moved away, and then had a kid at 23. My mother divorced my father to follow me sister. My sister happily took advantage that. My mom needs to be needed, my sister fulfills that. Meanwhile, my sister wants to live a carefree life (my sister has since divorced), and my mom makes that very easy for her.

Eight years ago, we moved and my mom lives about 30 minutes closer to me and has to pass my exit to get to my sister. And yet.....nothing. I used to try and rationalize it, but I couldn't when my husband was ill and I desperately needed my mom to watch my kid so I could be at the hospital with him. But she couldn't, because she promised my sister she'd paint her living room. It drove home to me that I didn't matter, and so I decided she had shown me who she was and I should believe her.

I pulled back dramatically after that. She's never noticed. It's been freeing. I no longer chase after her, and I no longer feel guilty for not jumping when she says jump. But it was a brutal road to get here.

It took me 20 years to get to the point you realized. My mom needs to be needed too.

The problem with her neediness, is when you need her there is 5 years or so of gloating and "I knew you could do blah blah without me" that follows. It's so much work.