My mom is always picking time with my sister over time with me
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Have a conversation with your mother on this or simply accept the dynamics for what it is. Definitely not up for forcing anyone to spend any time with me/family.. Good luck. |
Anonymous
|
OP here - I talked to her about it a few years ago and she got very defensive and said everyone (meaning my sister and me) are both always mad at her and making her feel bad when she spends time with the other one so she just wasn't going to do anything with any one any more. I thought very carefully about both 1) was I guilting her (yes I was) and 2) was my sister truly getting more time / attention (also yes). Since then I've been extremely careful to not guilt her or make negative comments about anything she's doing with my sisters family. About 2 years ago she alluded to our still making her feel bad and I pushed back and said no, I took the feedback and hadn't for several years, she deserved to spend her time how she wanted (which i do believe, but how she wants hurts), and asked her to give any examples of when I've done that in the last couple years. She backpedaled and said something like "ok maybe its just your sister still doing that"
We have a very comfortable house and I make sure my mom doesn't have to take on extra work when she visits, though she does jump in with things. When I say I have more of a social network, its not snarky its true. I have friends for a girls weekend, friends to celebrate my bday with etc while my sister doesn't really - so if I'm looking for not personal reasons for the imbalance, I could see my mom feeling the pull to give my sister a break from the grind while I have other sources for that. My sister lives 3 hour drive away while I live a 10 hour drive away, so they see each other a lot more for the little things (coming for kids concerts and bdays etc). That makes sense. But its the big things that get me - they're spending 3 full weeks on my sister / her family this summer so I'm told there's only time for us for 1. The same thing the last 2 summers. They plan a trip with her family, have her kids visit on their own, meets my sister somewhere for a girls trip etc and then I'm told they're "so busy this summer" and there's time for one week for my family whatever combo of people I want to use it on. I'm just kind of rambling at this point - she's obviously making the choice she is because she prefers it (consciously or not, because of things about me or because of just feeling a pull to give more to my sister). I try really hard to make sure she enjoys the time with us, to focus on the fact that we still get a decent amount of time together and I'm lucky to have a parent I want to spend time with, and to not care that there's such an obvious preference....but its hard when your mom over and over chooses a sibling over you |
Anonymous
I wish it was easy to "simply accept" it and not feel at all emotional about it. I have accepted it in that I don't fight it but haven't accepted it in terms of no longer caring about it |
Anonymous
| Do you really want to spend that much time with your mom or is it the feeling of imbalance that is bothering you? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Somewhere in between - we made a plan for a girls weekend 2.5 years ago that had to be canceled bc of health issues my dad had. Every time I bring up rescheduling its "oh that sounds really fun....we'll have to find a time..." yet she's done several things with my sister over the 2 years. I wouldn't want to and it wouldn't be possible to do it as regularly as my sister but I'd like for it to happen sometimes. She's at the age where health could change on a dime and it could become impossible to do some of things ever again. Same with my kids visiting them on their own - I have such special memories of that as a kid with my grandma, my parents are still up for it physically and energy wise, just prioritized other things (trips on their own and time with my sisters family) over it. It's not that I want to "dump my kids on them" or need the childcare, I want the closeness for my kids that they have with my sisters kids....or at least some of it. And to not feel like we get the leftovers of their time and priorities |
Anonymous
Much as it sucks you have to accept that your mother has shown you her priorities. |
Anonymous
Or spouse or kids too. Sometimes people mesh really well. Sometimes they don't. This sucks, coming from your mother TBH. But try to see if there might be some personality mis-match with your family. I'd focus on not tracking who your mom is spending more time with. Ask her to plan visits, and then disengage from exactly how much time she's spending in each place. If you have a good relationship with your sister, you could try talking out your hurt with her. But tread carefully bc you might trigger defensiveness, which is counter productive. |
Anonymous
Do you ever spend time together with your sister? |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like you have a great group of friends. It’s time to focus more on your family and friends and not worry so much about your parents and extended family.
Do you actually want to spend more than a week in the summer with your parents? Is your sister divorced? Are you? It sounds like there is more to this dynamic. If it was me, I’d really drop the rope with them. They just aren’t that in to you and your kids. And that’s ok. Focus on the people who are. |
Anonymous
Well, it’s natural that Mom can spend more time with them and they developed more of a relationship. OP, as I read your comments, it seems like you are more concerned with the fairness of the time split rather than the relationship. I don’t know if that’s how you feel, it’s hard to convey complicated dynamics online. If you want a closer relationship, then I would say take the initiative. Don’t make it about your sister. Or even your kids. Focus on connecting with your mom as a person, and let things grow. Talk to her about wanting to be closer without placing a time label on it. See what happens. Maybe she will be more open to you and your kids. |
Anonymous
|
Op, you buried the lede - your sister lives three hours away and you live ten hours away. That is HUGE. Of course she visits your sister more! She's only three hours away!
Stop comparing. Work towards spending the amount of time YOU want to spend with her. That may mean YOU visiting HER more. And stop worrying about how it compares to your sister. And make sure you dont treat her like the nanny when she is there. |
Anonymous
Neither of us are divorced, we strangely both have husbands with pretty significant mental health issues (that don't hugely impact visits and do in roughly the same way) - which is probably part of the dynamic now that i think about it. Neither of us get the adult support or partnership you typically would from a spouse, both our marriages are very one sided support so maybe we each look for that mutually supportive adult relationship more with our mom than typical. I don't turn to her with my problems (she's never been great with emotional stuff and I worry of creating a negative/downer tone to our interactions) but could overweight wanting to feel important and like a priority to her b/c my husband is incapable of prioritizing anything beyond his own needs Historically no I didn't want more than a week with them but I am really acutely feeling the clock ticking down on their good time so do want to make the most of it. I have a flexible and remote job some more time with them doesn't come at a cost of other trips (they also live in a great summer spot and are fun when they visit us so a week with them doesn't feel like a drag) |
Anonymous
|
Op, you're coming across as very competitive and score keeping. You don't want to spend time with your mom. You want to "win" more time from your sister.
Your mom probably doesn't enjoy visiting you because of this competitive personality you have so she doesn't. |
Anonymous
| Why don't the three of you travel together. I gather you don't have a good relationship with your sister. |