No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

This. People are shelling out for a beautiful adult event and don't want entitled parents letting their kids run amok during it. Second, they want parents who attend to be able to be in the moment, not distracted the whole time by their kids. Parents who don't get this are selfish.

[Anonymous]

The simple answer is people make assumptions. If kids are not invited, they project that there is some intent there that may or may not be.

Most engaged couples don’t have kids yet and are not interested in a kid-centric event. It’s not personal.

I included kids on my wedding invites in order to make travel and logistics easier for out of town friends and family. I was lucky to have a huge venue that could handle the additional RSVPs and a caterer that could do a kid option (and price). Even so, nobody brought their kids because they didn’t even want to! They wanted to party!

Bottom line, let people have their weddings the way they want them.

[Anonymous]

I am not a fan of “absolutely no kids- period!” weddings, but I think being “mad” about this (especially to the point it damages relationships) is weird.

I’d be very annoyed if my kids were not allowed/invited at a wedding of a close family member. Fortunately this has never happened. If it did, I would not say anything about it however.

On the other hand, I’d never expect our kids to be invited to weddings of old friends/acquaintances (colleagues etc)- they dont even know our kids!- and usually the kids are not invited. Which is of course fine!

I think the issue with family weddings is the VERY strong expectation/obligation that you must attend- but then not allow you to bring your kids? Especially if travel is involved. Flying across the country just to leave small kids with a stranger (sitter) in the hotel room would be extremely unappealing. If the wedding is local- I truly do not see the issue with leaving the kids barring unusual circumstances (EBFing a newborn, for example).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

Bigotry and intolerance are worth breaking up a family over; parties are not. Your priorities are out of whack. Imagine how you would feel getting the phone call that one of your sisters had died, and you had wasted time and emotions and squandered the gifts of family and sisterhood over a party. A party.

I think the sister is the one who is squandering the gifts of family. What kind of monster wouldn't invite their nieces and nephews? My kids are very close to their aunts and would be incredibly hurt to be excluded.

It's a party. At the end of the day. If you want a family reunion, plan one and pay for one. People get mad because they want freebie or low-cost family reunion on someone else's dime with someone else's logistical efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

"Show off" is an odd word choice; I don't think anyone is impressed by my eight year old. I do like when my kids get to see their family and friends, though. It helps build social bonds, which are important. I've never fought with anyone over kids at weddings, but I think weddings are better with kids.

Sounds like you want a family reunion. Plan and pay for one yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a fan of “absolutely no kids- period!” weddings, but I think being “mad” about this (especially to the point it damages relationships) is weird.

I’d be very annoyed if my kids were not allowed/invited at a wedding of a close family member. Fortunately this has never happened. If it did, I would not say anything about it however.

On the other hand, I’d never expect our kids to be invited to weddings of old friends/acquaintances (colleagues etc)- they dont even know our kids!- and usually the kids are not invited. Which is of course fine!

I think the issue with family weddings is the VERY strong expectation/obligation that you must attend- but then not allow you to bring your kids? Especially if travel is involved. Flying across the country just to leave small kids with a stranger (sitter) in the hotel room would be extremely unappealing. If the wedding is local- I truly do not see the issue with leaving the kids barring unusual circumstances (EBFing a newborn, for example).

This. It's horrifically expensive and a hassle if you have to fly. If the wedding-location sitter flakes, then one of the parents has to sit out of the wedding. It's not worth it. And it's not a good experience for the kids, to do all the travel hassle and have a sitter and not actually get to spend much time with their own family.

And paying an overnight sitter and leaving them home will also be hundreds of dollars and the sitter might flake. It's just a lot. So the parents of little kids are under pressure to attend the wedding but there's no way to do it that isn't extremely expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

"Show off" is an odd word choice; I don't think anyone is impressed by my eight year old. I do like when my kids get to see their family and friends, though. It helps build social bonds, which are important. I've never fought with anyone over kids at weddings, but I think weddings are better with kids.

Sounds like you want a family reunion. Plan and pay for one yourself.

I did. It was my wedding. Part of the purpose of a wedding, to normal, non-deranged people, is to see family and friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care, but, I do think a 12 year old is fine at an "adults only" event, unless you are Johnny Depp and Amber Heard including shrooms and a cuddle puddle as part of the official event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a fan of “absolutely no kids- period!” weddings, but I think being “mad” about this (especially to the point it damages relationships) is weird.

I’d be very annoyed if my kids were not allowed/invited at a wedding of a close family member. Fortunately this has never happened. If it did, I would not say anything about it however.

On the other hand, I’d never expect our kids to be invited to weddings of old friends/acquaintances (colleagues etc)- they dont even know our kids!- and usually the kids are not invited. Which is of course fine!

I think the issue with family weddings is the VERY strong expectation/obligation that you must attend- but then not allow you to bring your kids? Especially if travel is involved. Flying across the country just to leave small kids with a stranger (sitter) in the hotel room would be extremely unappealing. If the wedding is local- I truly do not see the issue with leaving the kids barring unusual circumstances (EBFing a newborn, for example).

Agree with this completely.

You'll notice that the only ppl who get really mad about childfree weddings are usually siblings of the bridal couple. For precisely this reason. And I think OP's example of the couple excluding their 12 yr old niece or nephew reflects poorly on the bridal couple themselves.

[Anonymous]

I do not attend adult only weddings. I do not harbor ill will to the groom and bride either at the time or after the fact. They have a right to set their ceremony as they wish. I have a right to attend or not.

For me, I think weddings are one of the few ceremonies left where our young people can learn about community, promises and meaning.

[Anonymous]

It’s an outgrowth of kids being poorly behaved. There is no longer any expectation of reasonable behavior - thx “gentle parenting”

[Anonymous]

I am sort of amazed at how few people have mentioned cost as part of the equation.

Spouse and I had a non-extravagant smaller wedding (75 people) that we paid for ourselves. We left friends and yes, kids other than our nieces and nephews off the guest list for budgetary reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The above poster is a good example of how or why people get outraged if the couple doesn't invite children at the wedding. It's not about the perfect wedding. We limited children at our wedding to the wedding party and those that were traveling from very far away. We could simply not accommodate all the children in my spouse's extended family spacewise and financially. We had a person who's inlaws were local to them, lose her mind because we didn't invite her toddlers who were personally SO upset they couldn't share in our day. They and their entire branch of that family refused to come to the wedding. The couple have the right to dictate how and where they spend their money on their wedding. A guest does not have the right to challenge them on that. Just don't come if it pisses you off so badly, but then you can't also then hold a grudge like a petulant child either.