Was not intending to date yet, but met someone. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the same exact situation happens to me 6 weeks after my divorce. I met this woman while travelling we had a great chemistry we exchanged numbers. We live in the same town we were going to the same city for business and we were both freshly divorced. And we had kids of similar age. And a couple of similar hobbies too. I could go and on.

We exchanged several texts talked on the phones etc she wanted us to go on a date but I ultimately decided I wasn't ready. 6 month later I am glad I made that decision because I am absolutely not ready for another relationship. In fact it's worse I don't even think I want one right now. I just don't have the energy, drive and passion in me to start all over.

But good luck to you follow your heart and instinct

Good for you. If you had jumped into that relationship the odds of success despite great chemistry are not that good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (36F) am coming out of an 8 year marriage with 2 kids after discovering a multi year affair. We are just about to file jointly and have been living separately for 3.5 months now (he moved out).

My intention was to focus on myself for [b]6m-1 year and then likely re-enter the dating world as I still feel young and hopeful with lots left to give. My "problem" is that I organically met someone in real life who seems very special. I was completely honest with him from our first conversation about where I'm at in life and my current situation. We have been talking for 2 months now and have met up once (as "friends") with the intention of grabbing coffee on a Sunday morning. Coffee turned into lunch which turned into a 4 hour walk which turned into dinner and eventually ended after 9 hours together. We just had so much to talk about the day FLEW by in the best way. We have been totally honest with one another- he knows that my intention was not to enter the dating world for a while and he keeps saying that he feels like there's something really special growing here and would like to explore that at my pace, even if that means putting a pause and reconnecting in the future. He's been nothing but kind, supportive, and respectful in a really sincere way.

WWYD here? Stop and stick to my original plan? Tip toe forward slowly? FWIW, I found out about the affair 18 months ago and have done all the therapy, grieved the marriage, etc. There hasn't been any feelings about stbxdh moving out besides immense relief, stability, and calmness. I feel like I'm in a healthy place emotionally, but want to hear some opinions on this.

And before it comes up- yes my kids are my top priority, we are splitting custody 50/50, their dad is a great parent, they've adjusted really impressively so far, have them in therapy, no I would not introduce anyone to them anytime in the foreseeable future nor ever date/get a sitter during my precious time with them.

OP, you're only 2.5 months away from your 6 months mark. You've been talking to him for 2 months, another 2.5 months would not be a problem.

Stay with what you've been doing. If he does not wait for another 2.5 months for an official first date, well....

[Anonymous]

Sounds like fate to me.

I would proceed slowly but wouldn’t not give this a chance as this guy could be a keeper.

Keep us all posted OP!

[Anonymous]

Dating before filing or having a signed separation agreement is dangerous, no matter what OP’s husband did. At best, it levels the playing field, but not in a positive way.

I’m in the middle of a divorce and spouse believes that moving out means having a girlfriend is not cheating. No agreement, no filing yet, so the law is not on his side in Virginia. Adultery is hard to prove in court and rarely produces a win, but it’s not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating before filing or having a signed separation agreement is dangerous, no matter what OP’s husband did. At best, it levels the playing field, but not in a positive way.

I’m in the middle of a divorce and spouse believes that moving out means having a girlfriend is not cheating. No agreement, no filing yet, so the law is not on his side in Virginia. Adultery is hard to prove in court and rarely produces a win, but it’s not a good look.

If your spouse has been cheating on you for years and has moved out, it's neither legally relevant nor a bad look to go on a date with someone. It's not the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Date but take it slow and don’t introduce your kids anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Work on yourself first. Don't worry there will be plenty of men for you once you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good men and matches don't come around that often. I met my husband 2 months after I got out of a long, painful relationship. I also told him I wasn't ready.

+1. I met my husband two weeks before my divorce became final, so almost there, but still. It did take us another 6 months to start dating for real, before that it was just lots of talking. Take it slowly. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. Slowly. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File today! Don't date until you file for divorce. It is tacky, irresponsible and sets a very bad example for your kids.
Then go to mediation asap and get it done.

A relationship before filing for divorce is an affair. Full stop.

This is complete nonsense.

Also, people who write "full stop" after making a point think they are indicating the obvious truth of their statement, but in reality they telegraph that they are so insecure about either their intellect, the point they made, or their ability to defend it that they want to stifle any dissent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating.

It's so clear that you people don't live in the real world. You don't even understand how divorce works. Try Google.

NP. I think your value system may be different than the previous 2 posters which may be clouding the way you are thinking about the situation. From a morality standpoint, if you are married to someone, which OP currently is, any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is considered adultery. OP is considered married until all the forms are submitted properly that says she is divorced.

That being said, you may think of OP as already being divorced since they have filed for divorce and OP is mentally and emotionally already "divorced" from her DH. You seem to insinuate that people in the real world can think and do what they want, regardless of what a piece of paper says. But just know that there are all types of people in the real world, who care about what that piece of paper says, and who want to do things correctly in the eyes of the law.

There is a correct order of doing things and if you take an alternate path, some times (not saying all the time), things can get out of whack. I think that's what most people are saying on this thread.

No. You are confusing "morality" with "technically." If you are married, even if separated after an years-long affair by your spouse and diligently pursuing a divorce with all reasonable speed, having sex with someone else is "technically" considered adultery. Morality doesn't play into it. Each person is allowed to determine their own morality. Considering the circumstances, I (and many other people) would not consider it immoral for OP to date, or have sex with, her new love interest, even though it might technically be considered adultery.

If you're going to preach morality, you should have an accurate perception of what it is, PP.

And for the record, I have been happily married for 20+ years, love my spouse very much, and have never cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating.

It's so clear that you people don't live in the real world. You don't even understand how divorce works. Try Google.

NP. I think your value system may be different than the previous 2 posters which may be clouding the way you are thinking about the situation. From a morality standpoint, if you are married to someone, which OP currently is, any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is considered adultery. OP is considered married until all the forms are submitted properly that says she is divorced.

That being said, you may think of OP as already being divorced since they have filed for divorce and OP is mentally and emotionally already "divorced" from her DH. You seem to insinuate that people in the real world can think and do what they want, regardless of what a piece of paper says. But just know that there are all types of people in the real world, who care about what that piece of paper says, and who want to do things correctly in the eyes of the law.

There is a correct order of doing things and if you take an alternate path, some times (not saying all the time), things can get out of whack. I think that's what most people are saying on this thread.

No. You are confusing "morality" with "technically." If you are married, even if separated after an years-long affair by your spouse and diligently pursuing a divorce with all reasonable speed, having sex with someone else is "technically" considered adultery. Morality doesn't play into it. Each person is allowed to determine their own morality. Considering the circumstances, I (and many other people) would not consider it immoral for OP to date, or have sex with, her new love interest, even though it might technically be considered adultery.

If you're going to preach morality, you should have an accurate perception of what it is, PP.

And for the record, I have been happily married for 20+ years, love my spouse very much, and have never cheated.

Get back to us with your preachiness after your spouse of 20+ years turns out to have been cheating on you. Guaranteed you'll be singing a different tune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating.

This is nonsense. She is already separated.

My divorce took 2 years. I did not date. I look back and I am so mad at myself for wasting two years I could have been dating. I was 40-42. It was stupid to be waiting for paperwork to be finalized. Their marriage is over. It is okay for her to date. They are already separated.