Was not intending to date yet, but met someone. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot cheat on a guy who was cheating on you for years, you don't live with, and you're in the process of divorcing. You're allowed to go on a date.

This. Goodness me. No moral issues at all with this.

[Anonymous]

I get the morality thing - my brother had an affair and later married his AP. I was very judgy about it and my mom said “you couldn’t expect him not to date - the divorce took 3 years.” I think it would have been a very different story if he’d moved out, filed for divorce, and then dated. If you’re separated and have no intention of getting back together I think you should file, date, and feel fine even in the divorce isn’t official. If you want to try to get back together I think you shouldn’t date.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the guy's situation? Divorced? Kids?

[Anonymous]

Of course date him!

Spending 9 hours together on your first meeting though does not bode well for your ability to keep the pace of this courtship on track. Take your time, Mama! Be more protective of your own time, too. Don’t invest too much in someone so early on. I kinda can’t fathom giving ANYONE 9 hours of my undivided attention, let alone some guy I’ve only just met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the morality thing - my brother had an affair and later married his AP. I was very judgy about it and my mom said “you couldn’t expect him not to date - the divorce took 3 years.” I think it would have been a very different story if he’d moved out, filed for divorce, and then dated. If you’re separated and have no intention of getting back together I think you should file, date, and feel fine even in the divorce isn’t official. If you want to try to get back together I think you shouldn’t date.

Those are two completely different things, but you don't seem bright enough to comprehend that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

Op here and I'm feeling twinges of this too which makes me feel stupid considering he had a full fledged girlfriend for several years of our marriage. I'm assuming it will be a 6-9 month process to officially be divorced.

Don’t let a technicality stand in the way of your future happiness.

I also would give you a pass since your husband cheated and you know you won't reconcile. There is no marriage left to save. He broke the vows and forgiveness/amends are not part of your mutual plan so it's de facto over.

I would however keep this private from everyone. Let it be its own relationship first. It will either flourish or wither 1:1. That will be optically and logistically easiest.

Also for the record, I'm tired of hearing betrayed mothers of young children say their cheating spouses are good dads. They might be kind to the kids when present but betraying and destabilizing a mother of young children automatically removes a man from "good dad" status in my eyes. A person that self-indulgent is likely to let a kid down as well. Even if they pack lunches and play catch and know the teachers' names.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating.

It's so clear that you people don't live in the real world. You don't even understand how divorce works. Try Google.

NP. I think your value system may be different than the previous 2 posters which may be clouding the way you are thinking about the situation. From a morality standpoint, if you are married to someone, which OP currently is, any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is considered adultery. OP is considered married until all the forms are submitted properly that says she is divorced.

That being said, you may think of OP as already being divorced since they have filed for divorce and OP is mentally and emotionally already "divorced" from her DH. You seem to insinuate that people in the real world can think and do what they want, regardless of what a piece of paper says. But just know that there are all types of people in the real world, who care about what that piece of paper says, and who want to do things correctly in the eyes of the law.

There is a correct order of doing things and if you take an alternate path, some times (not saying all the time), things can get out of whack. I think that's what most people are saying on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Go have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

Op here and I'm feeling twinges of this too which makes me feel stupid considering he had a full fledged girlfriend for several years of our marriage. I'm assuming it will be a 6-9 month process to officially be divorced.

Don’t let a technicality stand in the way of your future happiness.

I also would give you a pass since your husband cheated and you know you won't reconcile. There is no marriage left to save. He broke the vows and forgiveness/amends are not part of your mutual plan so it's de facto over.

I would however keep this private from everyone. Let it be its own relationship first. It will either flourish or wither 1:1. That will be optically and logistically easiest.

Also for the record, I'm tired of hearing betrayed mothers of young children say their cheating spouses are good dads. They might be kind to the kids when present but betraying and destabilizing a mother of young children automatically removes a man from "good dad" status in my eyes. A person that self-indulgent is likely to let a kid down as well. Even if they pack lunches and play catch and know the teachers' names.

+1

-1 You can be a cheating spouse. You can be a good dad. Both can be true.

It can also be true that the previous poster judges who is a good dad and reclaims that title from each man. It can also be true that I can make my own decision of who is a good dad. Both can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating.

It's so clear that you people don't live in the real world. You don't even understand how divorce works. Try Google.

NP. I think your value system may be different than the previous 2 posters which may be clouding the way you are thinking about the situation. From a morality standpoint, if you are married to someone, which OP currently is, any sexual activity with someone other than your spouse is considered adultery. OP is considered married until all the forms are submitted properly that says she is divorced.

That being said, you may think of OP as already being divorced since they have filed for divorce and OP is mentally and emotionally already "divorced" from her DH. You seem to insinuate that people in the real world can think and do what they want, regardless of what a piece of paper says. But just know that there are all types of people in the real world, who care about what that piece of paper says, and who want to do things correctly in the eyes of the law.

There is a correct order of doing things and if you take an alternate path, some times (not saying all the time), things can get out of whack. I think that's what most people are saying on this thread.

We heard you the first time. You still sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

"We have been talking for 2 months now and have met up once (as "friends") with the intention of grabbing coffee on a Sunday morning. ... We have been totally honest with one another- he knows that my intention was not to enter the dating world for a while and he keeps saying that he feels like there's something really special growing here and would like to explore that at my pace, even if that means putting a pause and reconnecting in the future. He's been nothing but kind, supportive, and respectful in a really sincere way."

OP, I would proceed with caution. Especially with a guy you have met once. This guy is well aware you are in a vulnerable place and he may be love-bombing you. He sure seems to be saying all the right things at the right time which can be a red flag.

Vulnerable single mom may signal an easy fling or (sexual) conquest for him.

If I were you, I'd take him up on his offer. Tell him for the next six months or so, your entire focus is going to be entirely on your children and finalizing your divorce. Tell him you will contact him when all that is done, but in the meantime you would prefer to hit the pause button and won't be seeing/chatting with him until that time.

Then, in six months or whenever divorce is finalized, reach out to him and see how he responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We have been talking for 2 months now and have met up once (as "friends") with the intention of grabbing coffee on a Sunday morning. ... We have been totally honest with one another- he knows that my intention was not to enter the dating world for a while and he keeps saying that he feels like there's something really special growing here and would like to explore that at my pace, even if that means putting a pause and reconnecting in the future. He's been nothing but kind, supportive, and respectful in a really sincere way."

OP, I would proceed with caution. Especially with a guy you have met once. This guy is well aware you are in a vulnerable place and he may be love-bombing you. He sure seems to be saying all the right things at the right time which can be a red flag.

Vulnerable single mom may signal an easy fling or (sexual) conquest for him.

If I were you, I'd take him up on his offer. Tell him for the next six months or so, your entire focus is going to be entirely on your children and finalizing your divorce. Tell him you will contact him when all that is done, but in the meantime you would prefer to hit the pause button and won't be seeing/chatting with him until that time.

Then, in six months or whenever divorce is finalized, reach out to him and see how he responds.

This is a horrid suggestion given the fast paced modern dating. The dude may really like OP but if she suggests it -some other woman will be riding him in 2 months 100% guaranteed. And it’s very hard to break up and go back to OP. They won’t be in sync with their single status anymore.
OP needs to grab him now, if he’s that amazing. But pace herself

Besides - maybe OP wants sex, too - she needs to be an adult and realize that sometimes great sexy connections just end up being a fling. Enjoy those flings as you only live once and the older she gets, the fewer men would even look appealing enough to sleep with.

Stop treating sex as something that only men want and they “use” and manipulate women to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would date him. You've got baggage on the dating market and it's going to be a small pool of men. If you want to be with someone going forward I would remain flexible. You met someone you like. See what happens.

He cheated, Morality went out the door..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me.

Op here and I'm feeling twinges of this too which makes me feel stupid considering he had a full fledged girlfriend for several years of our marriage. I'm assuming it will be a 6-9 month process to officially be divorced.

Don’t let a technicality stand in the way of your future happiness.

I also would give you a pass since your husband cheated and you know you won't reconcile. There is no marriage left to save. He broke the vows and forgiveness/amends are not part of your mutual plan so it's de facto over.

I would however keep this private from everyone. Let it be its own relationship first. It will either flourish or wither 1:1. That will be optically and logistically easiest.

Also for the record, I'm tired of hearing betrayed mothers of young children say their cheating spouses are good dads. They might be kind to the kids when present but betraying and destabilizing a mother of young children automatically removes a man from "good dad" status in my eyes. A person that self-indulgent is likely to let a kid down as well. Even if they pack lunches and play catch and know the teachers' names.

+1

-1 You can be a cheating spouse. You can be a good dad. Both can be true.

It can also be true that the previous poster judges who is a good dad and reclaims that title from each man. It can also be true that I can make my own decision of who is a good dad. Both can be true.

I suggest that OP negotiates that her exH pays for kids college. Think really hard about it, OP! dating the new guy is cool but right now you should make practical matters like that a priority

Cheating fathers usually offload any financial obligations towards kids right after HS graduation

[Anonymous]

OP the same exact situation happens to me 6 weeks after my divorce. I met this woman while travelling we had a great chemistry we exchanged numbers. We live in the same town we were going to the same city for business and we were both freshly divorced. And we had kids of similar age. And a couple of similar hobbies too. I could go and on.

We exchanged several texts talked on the phones etc she wanted us to go on a date but I ultimately decided I wasn't ready. 6 month later I am glad I made that decision because I am absolutely not ready for another relationship. In fact it's worse I don't even think I want one right now. I just don't have the energy, drive and passion in me to start all over.

But good luck to you follow your heart and instinct