Was not intending to date yet, but met someone. WWYD?
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Anonymous
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I (36F) am coming out of an 8 year marriage with 2 kids after discovering a multi year affair. We are just about to file jointly and have been living separately for 3.5 months now (he moved out).
My intention was to focus on myself for 6m-1 year and then likely re-enter the dating world as I still feel young and hopeful with lots left to give. My "problem" is that I organically met someone in real life who seems very special. I was completely honest with him from our first conversation about where I'm at in life and my current situation. We have been talking for 2 months now and have met up once (as "friends") with the intention of grabbing coffee on a Sunday morning. Coffee turned into lunch which turned into a 4 hour walk which turned into dinner and eventually ended after 9 hours together. We just had so much to talk about the day FLEW by in the best way. We have been totally honest with one another- he knows that my intention was not to enter the dating world for a while and he keeps saying that he feels like there's something really special growing here and would like to explore that at my pace, even if that means putting a pause and reconnecting in the future. He's been nothing but kind, supportive, and respectful in a really sincere way. WWYD here? Stop and stick to my original plan? Tip toe forward slowly? FWIW, I found out about the affair 18 months ago and have done all the therapy, grieved the marriage, etc. There hasn't been any feelings about stbxdh moving out besides immense relief, stability, and calmness. I feel like I'm in a healthy place emotionally, but want to hear some opinions on this. And before it comes up- yes my kids are my top priority, we are splitting custody 50/50, their dad is a great parent, they've adjusted really impressively so far, have them in therapy, no I would not introduce anyone to them anytime in the foreseeable future nor ever date/get a sitter during my precious time with them. |
Anonymous
| Good men and matches don't come around that often. I met my husband 2 months after I got out of a long, painful relationship. I also told him I wasn't ready. |
Anonymous
| How soon will the divorce be finalized? I didn't date until I was divorced because until then I was married albeit separated. It was just a morality issue for me. |
Anonymous
| I would date him. You've got baggage on the dating market and it's going to be a small pool of men. If you want to be with someone going forward I would remain flexible. You met someone you like. See what happens. |
Anonymous
Op here and I'm feeling twinges of this too which makes me feel stupid considering he had a full fledged girlfriend for several years of our marriage. I'm assuming it will be a 6-9 month process to officially be divorced. |
Anonymous
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File today! Don't date until you file for divorce. It is tacky, irresponsible and sets a very bad example for your kids.
Then go to mediation asap and get it done. A relationship before filing for divorce is an affair. Full stop. |
Anonymous
Don’t let a technicality stand in the way of your future happiness. |
Anonymous
I agree dating before being divorced is not good for you or the children, it's actually adultery. So at the very least, file for divorce right now before you start dating. |
Anonymous
| I would just keep talking with him until you file and then date. It’s good to have a sense of closure and he too will feel reassured you are moving on. I think it’s not a bad idea to slow play this since you are still vulnerable and the longer time frame will give you time to see this person not just through rose colored lenses. If it’s mean to be a delay of a month or two won’t change anything. |
Anonymous
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Yep, file and then date. It's a good excuse to escalate the filing date.
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Anonymous
| Date ! Get back on the horse.I would date - you aren't remarrying just dating. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the poster that said good matches don't come around every day. Just pursue it and move slowly op and do all the things you said like don't involve your children in any way, probably for a very long time. But that shouldn't be too difficult with 50/50. I think that is really the only big piece in my mind, I think that would be really hard for kids to process and not something I would ask them to process for a good long time. But other than that, you deserve to enjoy yourself. Forget the morality - goodness. You are divorced from a morality perspective, your relationship and commitment has ended. The legal part is legal - it is about assets, and money. Not about morality. Don't let that stop you, that is silly. And I'm usually pretty black and white on ethics things. |
Anonymous
| You cannot cheat on a guy who was cheating on you for years, you don't live with, and you're in the process of divorcing. You're allowed to go on a date. |
Anonymous
| You are still married, this is not a good idea both emotionally and for the divorce proceedings, FULL STOP. If he's the one he can wait another 6 months. |
Anonymous
Where do you live? Because it won't be that fast in VA for sure. I dated while separated but we didn't have kids, just had to wait out the required time to get it finalized. I was obviously open about it. I don't think there's a morality issue if you're done with the marriage, but that's just me. What's the situation with the new guy? Divorced? Always single? |