Come in if you recently raised successful young adults

[Anonymous]

I have two happy and (mostly) launched 20 something’s - one is engaged with a great job and one is finishing up a grad program with lots of options for employment once complete. As others have said we placed a focus on manners, kindness, making time for friends, working p/t “real” jobs (food service) and instilling independence. We didn’t helicopter or track every move. We taught them to self advocate for themselves with friends and teachers. We limited screen time and ate dinner together every night. I was a SAHM for a bit and then worked P/T so our house was calm and ran smoothly. They went to 3 week sleep away summer camps from an early age through middle school. I can’t think of anything truly special except that we were not pushy and let them figure out their paths - we let them define, and then supported, who they wanted to be and how they wanted to get there and that seemed to be the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are defining success by “failure to launch” that is going to vary based on cultural differences. I grew up in the Midwest and I know one person who moved back home after college. Everyone else was out of the house at 18. But out there, that’s part of the culture - when you’re an adult, you leave home. Since moving here I’ve come across tons of people who lived (or still live) at home for some period of time as an adult. It seems to be part of the culture out here. Maybe because living here is more expensive? Not sure what drives the difference, but it’s very apparent.

Come on, living at home isn’t by itself a failure to launch. My brother lived with my parents until he was 27. He was also gainfully employed, doing his Master’s and helping take care of my grandparents (a big part of why he lived at home - to share the load as he was their main driver)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

While no "magic formula" I do think expecting your kids to do more and more responsibilities as they grow up helps with being a "fully launched adult" come age 22 (end of college). The amount of kids who hit college and have never done a load of laundry is astounding.

We gave our kids more and more responsibilities over time. By age 16 we would leave for the weekend (only once in a while) with the 16 yo in charge of the 12 yo and themselves for 1-2 days. They had a CC and were trustworthy (and friends were nearby to assist if needed). Basically we trusted them and let them have more responsibilities as long as they didn't do something stupid. SO by time they go to college, they have been in charge of a lot. We wanted them to make their mistakes while still at home, with some guidance (and there were some mistakes, but nothing major).

Whereas I have other parents who won't leave their 17 yo home alone for a night, because they "don't trust them". Which to me is a bit scary

My kids never did laundry until college, managed it well and became academically, socially, professionally and relationally successful. [b]Its a good skill to learn but your success of any kind isn't dependent on it or on doing odd jobs.

Wrong. The skill you learn is not pushing the buttons on the washer and dryer. The skill is to remember that laundry exists, and you have to allocate time to do it no matter what, so you have to leave some slack. Your success is very much dependent on your executive functioning.

And, of course, if you know how to take care of things, they look better and last longer, but that’s secondary.

[Anonymous]

This whole concept makes me throw up a little. I’m successful but please don’t take any advice my parents would give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set expectations for your kids nand beyond college. - they are expected to graduate in four years, and then have a job or be in graduate school within a few months. Spending time to find yourself as a waitress or barista or hanging out in the basement while you figure out what you want to do after graduating is not an option after I have spent $300,000 to send you to college.

yes- the 4 years in college are the buffer zone to find yoursel also you never truly do that- you evolve and need to learn to check in with yourself all through life so that you can identify- hey i Dont like such & such anymore or i would really like to try such and such as you go through life.

[Anonymous]

yes. Onne is in law school, other in special forces. I was a parent. It is that simple. Hardest job I have ever had but I choose to have children and I had a responsibility to parent them. It worked

[Anonymous]

Finances play so much into this conversation too.

If we had loads of money, our kid would be debt free after college and we could help pay for grad school. But that’s not the case. After school, they may move home to save money that’s not their preference, but a mature choice.

If our kid had no debt, or we had extra money or a second property, this might look very different.

[Anonymous]

Idk if I’m one to give advice - who is really? Money luck smart genes all are factor. But from my experience - if the kid is derailing, as a parent you need to have the courage and persistence to get them back on track before the point of no return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

I have many successful friends who did not have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

I have many successful friends who did not have that.

And many failure to launch young adults do have caring and involved parents. It’s just that their version of care and involvement frequently looks like (especially in this area) pushing your kid to Harvard and then McKinsey, which may lead to burn out, resentment, and identity diffusion.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't a catty witch like IP

[Anonymous]

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

I have many successful friends who did not have that.

And many failure to launch young adults do have caring and involved parents. It’s just that their version of care and involvement frequently looks like (especially in this area) pushing your kid to Harvard and then McKinsey, which may lead to burn out, resentment, and identity diffusion.

What? The people I know at went to Harvard and then McKinsey are married with kids and living in multi million dollar homes. Not living in their parents’ basement as adults.

[Anonymous]

If you pay all their bills you can lie to your friends and pretend they launched. Win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

I have many successful friends who did not have that.

And many failure to launch young adults do have caring and involved parents. It’s just that their version of care and involvement frequently looks like (especially in this area) pushing your kid to Harvard and then McKinsey, which may lead to burn out, resentment, and identity diffusion.

What? The people I know at went to Harvard and then McKinsey are married with kids and living in multi million dollar homes. Not living in their parents’ basement as adults.

I am the therapist PP and a good chunk of my caseload are former employees at prestigious places like McKinsey or Meta (and people who went to elite colleges more generally) who had some sort of implosion in their 20s and are now going through young adulthood without a strong sense of self because their parents pushed them to careers ill-tempered with their personality. YMMV.