Come in if you recently raised successful young adults

[Anonymous]

OP you need to define what you mean by success.

I have a friend whose daughter dropped out of college after she got pregnant at 20. She works in a restaurant part time. But the entire family came together to help. That little toddler has an entire extended family to help him and is absolutely beloved. The daughter is back in school part time, and is going to open a home daycare. More importantly, the entire extended family is happy. They genuinely love spending time together. They aren’t rich in money, but they sure are a lot happier than the parents I know freaking out because their kids got a C on a test.

Is my friends DD successful? Money-wise, probably not. But life-wise? I would say yes. Absolutely. But a lot of DCUM would practically disown their kids if they got pregnant in college. Idk if I consider that success.

[Anonymous]

My cousin was top of class and got pregnant in college. Everyone rallied around her with love and support and yet neither she nor the baby (now an adult) ever found stability. I would say the best was made of the situation. It still turned out poorly though which is hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Mine are super independent. It's cultural.
They don't need mama and definitely wouldn't come home to live with me unless some sort of medical emergency.
No job is below them; not stress or anxiety; lots of young energy; in great mental and physical health; school/work are easy and so is making and keeping friends.
They had their great credit, small investment accounts, Roth at launching.
They only ask me about finance because that's what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

LOL !!!!!!!

Ridiculous advice. If parenting was that easy, shrinks would be out of business.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

While no "magic formula" I do think expecting your kids to do more and more responsibilities as they grow up helps with being a "fully launched adult" come age 22 (end of college). The amount of kids who hit college and have never done a load of laundry is astounding.

We gave our kids more and more responsibilities over time. By age 16 we would leave for the weekend (only once in a while) with the 16 yo in charge of the 12 yo and themselves for 1-2 days. They had a CC and were trustworthy (and friends were nearby to assist if needed). Basically we trusted them and let them have more responsibilities as long as they didn't do something stupid. SO by time they go to college, they have been in charge of a lot. We wanted them to make their mistakes while still at home, with some guidance (and there were some mistakes, but nothing major).

Whereas I have other parents who won't leave their 17 yo home alone for a night, because they "don't trust them". Which to me is a bit scary

[Anonymous]

If you are defining success by “failure to launch” that is going to vary based on cultural differences. I grew up in the Midwest and I know one person who moved back home after college. Everyone else was out of the house at 18. But out there, that’s part of the culture - when you’re an adult, you leave home. Since moving here I’ve come across tons of people who lived (or still live) at home for some period of time as an adult. It seems to be part of the culture out here. Maybe because living here is more expensive? Not sure what drives the difference, but it’s very apparent.

[Anonymous]

Op here- yes, everyone's idea of success is going to vary. In my mind, some of my thoughts are:

-capable of independently supporting themselves and earning enough to have middle class needs met (i.e good health insurance, pay bills, etc.). It's fine if they need to live at home for awhile to accomplish this
-have a lot of resiliency and be good decision makers to handle life challenges
-take care of their their health, relationships, community

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

Wow this is fascinating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

While no "magic formula" I do think expecting your kids to do more and more responsibilities as they grow up helps with being a "fully launched adult" come age 22 (end of college). The amount of kids who hit college and have never done a load of laundry is astounding.

We gave our kids more and more responsibilities over time. By age 16 we would leave for the weekend (only once in a while) with the 16 yo in charge of the 12 yo and themselves for 1-2 days. They had a CC and were trustworthy (and friends were nearby to assist if needed). Basically we trusted them and let them have more responsibilities as long as they didn't do something stupid. SO by time they go to college, they have been in charge of a lot. We wanted them to make their mistakes while still at home, with some guidance (and there were some mistakes, but nothing major).



Whereas I have other parents who won't leave their 17 yo home alone for a night, because they "don't trust them". Which to me is a bit scary

Sounds like this was a smart move

[Anonymous]

Set expectations for your kids nand beyond college. - they are expected to graduate in four years, and then have a job or be in graduate school within a few months. Spending time to find yourself as a waitress or barista or hanging out in the basement while you figure out what you want to do after graduating is not an option after I have spent $300,000 to send you to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- yes, everyone's idea of success is going to vary. In my mind, some of my thoughts are:

-capable of independently supporting themselves and earning enough to have middle class needs met (i.e good health insurance, pay bills, etc.). It's fine if they need to live at home for awhile to accomplish this
-have a lot of resiliency and be good decision makers to handle life challenges
-take care of their their health, relationships, community

“Take care of health, relationships, and community” is weird phrasing.

[Anonymous]

Set expectations and then help them gain the skills to get there. Don't micromanage, but offer help as long as it is needed. With my two, they needed help in different areas before they were ready to do things independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

LOL !!!!!!!

Ridiculous advice. If parenting was that easy, shrinks would be out of business.

Becoming successful adults doesn't mean becoming perfect and having zero issues ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no magic formula other than being caring and involved parents.

While no "magic formula" I do think expecting your kids to do more and more responsibilities as they grow up helps with being a "fully launched adult" come age 22 (end of college). The amount of kids who hit college and have never done a load of laundry is astounding.

We gave our kids more and more responsibilities over time. By age 16 we would leave for the weekend (only once in a while) with the 16 yo in charge of the 12 yo and themselves for 1-2 days. They had a CC and were trustworthy (and friends were nearby to assist if needed). Basically we trusted them and let them have more responsibilities as long as they didn't do something stupid. SO by time they go to college, they have been in charge of a lot. We wanted them to make their mistakes while still at home, with some guidance (and there were some mistakes, but nothing major).

Whereas I have other parents who won't leave their 17 yo home alone for a night, because they "don't trust them". Which to me is a bit scary

My kids never did laundry until college, managed it well and became academically, socially, professionally and relationally successful. Its a good skill to learn but your success of any kind isn't dependent on it, or on doing odd jobs.