Don’t want to cut off, but also no desire for a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

[Anonymous]

You must be very sheltered. While I don’t agree with this comment, you must never have encountered this type of thing to be so paralyzed by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be very sheltered. While I don’t agree with this comment, you must never have encountered this type of thing to be so paralyzed by it.

That’s garbage. No one should be subjected to those remarks, least of all from their own families!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be very sheltered. While I don’t agree with this comment, you must never have encountered this type of thing to be so paralyzed by it.

That’s garbage. No one should be subjected to those remarks, least of all from their own families!

You most certainly misunderstood the comment to which you are responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes typical dcum

" I experienced something prejudiced"

Dcum commentariat " Oh you probably didn't. You're just playing the victim. Or you were the victim and you just didn't speak up enough. Or maybe the anti-semitic remark wasn't really that anti-semitic and you should just accept it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

+1 Stop trying to get other people to understand. You know what happened.

Just do what you are going to do without so much discussion. You don’t owe any sort of explanation to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

+1 Stop trying to get other people to understand. You know what happened.

Just do what you are going to do without so much discussion. You don’t owe any sort of explanation to anyone.

OP here. There was no discussion in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

Is there something bad about discussing a difficult personal issue while trying to understand it and decide what to do? Is it weird to want a close relative to understand how I feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your relative is Jewish and your children are not?

Other way around, lol. But thanks for reiterating yet again the background anti-semitism!

DP. I was thinking relative was evangelistic Christian and kid was Jewish since that has been my experience with this intolerant behavior.

relative is a limousine liberal who was making a hip anti-Semitic comment he thought was amusing. Like wink wink nod nod all Jews are sneaky

I don’t know any liberals who wouldn’t find that highly offensive. Anti semitism isn’t hip in liberal circles at all.

The guys a jerk. Ghost him and don’t engage with relatives who try to push you into playing nice.

Antisemitism is absolutely part of the new woke. I say this as one who tended to lean progressive until the aftermath of October 7th.

I was prepared to talk about Gaza actually but not for the casual anti-Semitic “joke”! I do feel like it was evidence that it’s ok in some circles to say those things now (as long as there are no Jews around). I feel like the Gaza convo would have been totally normal unless he did something weird like demand that I recite that Israel is committing genocide if I brought up my kid’s bar mitzvah prep. (which is actually the kind of thing he’d do …)

Ok, OP, exactly what did he say?
And how could you have not reacted on the spot??
I’m Christian and at least would have uttered an ‘WTF dude’
Also, people can acknowledge and realize that Oct 7th was horrible and terrorism is awful and not tolerated , Hamas should be held accountable AND think that what the Israeli government is doing is genocide.
Those ideas are not mutually exclusive, not anti-Semitic and not fodder for a joke or a slight.

Gaza actually wasn’t part of the conversation but thanks for the lecture. I’m sure relative also would love to lecture me about what is and is not anti-Semitic, which is partly why I didn’t respond. And he had already gone off at me on an unrelated matter, so I had zero interest in discussing it with him at that time and creating more conflict at the holiday gathering. I just left the room.

Like I said, Well that is sort of on you.
I do not tolerate racism or anti-semitism or any -ism in my presence, especially if directed towards my child.
But that was your choice, if others want to tell you the “joke” was not offensive, tell them to kick rocks.
But now you want to make a big deal of ‘breaking off’ the relationship. Just leave his crazy a** alone. Why do you need to crowd source this with your whole extended family????
If he says something out of turn, go off on him.

you totally failed to read my OP. I don’t want to make a big deal - that’s the whole point. I want it to go away. my kid actually wasn’t there at the time but probably my reaction would have been different. I’m still mulling over what to do.

I read your OP.
Some people only understand getting their butts cussed out!
Let her rip!!!!

It’s a good question to ask why I don’t feel capable of doing that. I think it’s because I just want to get away from him, not even have the interaction that yelling would entail. There would be no satisfaction for me and then he’d just tell everyone I’m “crazy.”

I mean what advice do you want? You aren’t willing to stand up for your child, there’s nothing else to say.

This is unfair to OP and her child. I'm Jewish and most of my family is not. I wouldn't want my mom to try to defend me. First of all, she's not equipped with the language to do it. Second, it would just fuel the fire; I'm thinking of my relatives who might say something like this and they are all attention-seekers who say stuff to get a reaction. There are lots of ways to stand up for your child. OP should make sure her child knows they are loved and cared for, and part of the way to do that is to let the relationship with this other relative lapse.

I've got a cousin who is gay and my aunt handles her bigoted brother in law in the same way. Just walk away, rant about it to me and my mom, and continue to validate and support her daughter. They only see that uncle at funerals and mostly avoid talking to him even then.

Point is, OP, it's ok to just quietly walk away from this relative. You can go so far as to avoid family gatherings he will be at, but if that's not feasible given your extended family dynamics, just find another room to be in most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your relative is Jewish and your children are not?

Other way around, lol. But thanks for reiterating yet again the background anti-semitism!

OP, how is your child Jewish? How much of your extended family is Jewish? Are you intermarried to a Jewish person? I assume this is your side of the family and not your spouse's family? Or did your child convert to Judaism as an adult?

If you have a Jewish spouse, you might consider talking it through with them. I'm sure this kind of antisemitism is not new to them.

If your child is an adult, I would talk to them about what happened, how it upset you, and how your child might want you to handle future comments from this relative.

If you do have other extended family who are Jewish, you might find it helpful to talk to them. Presumably they would also have developed strategies for dealing with antisemitism from this particular relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your relative is Jewish and your children are not?

Other way around, lol. But thanks for reiterating yet again the background anti-semitism!

OP, how is your child Jewish? How much of your extended family is Jewish? Are you intermarried to a Jewish person? I assume this is your side of the family and not your spouse's family? Or did your child convert to Judaism as an adult?

If you have a Jewish spouse, you might consider talking it through with them. I'm sure this kind of antisemitism is not new to them.

If your child is an adult, I would talk to them about what happened, how it upset you, and how your child might want you to handle future comments from this relative.

If you do have other extended family who are Jewish, you might find it helpful to talk to them. Presumably they would also have developed strategies for dealing with antisemitism from this particular relative.

I’ve been talking it through with Jewish friends, which has been very helpful. What I realized is that there is no way to be honest with him about it because there was no trust or good will to begin with (b/c he’s been increasingly hostile to me in general). With the other relative I think they get it, even though the process of getting there was difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

Is there something bad about discussing a difficult personal issue while trying to understand it and decide what to do? Is it weird to want a close relative to understand how I feel?

Very much so 5 weeks later. At this point it seems like you are more intent drama than resolution. The time to say something to the offender was when it happened. It must not have been that difficult . But you chose not to, to say anything, fine. But crowd sourcing it later is pointless , especially since the offender is not a part of the crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: I talked about it with a relative who was there. (Not the one I want to cut off but one who is playing the role of “let’s keep the family together.”) I’m glad I did but it was disappointing. It took quite a while for me to get them to understand that no, the immediate reaction is not for me to “try to understand why they said that anti-semitic thing! Have grace!” But they did understand eventually. Still it’s just … disappointing. No matter how much it is acknowledged that this person seems to have it out for me, the answer is always “Oh but you have to understand, they have so much going on! Why don’t you reach out and blah blah blah.”

I think it was ONLY in fact getting through to them that yeah, that discussion could have sounded jarring to the mom of a Jewish kid, was the only way I could be seen as having any justification to be angry.

Why do you need so much crowd sourcing?
Why does the relative need to understand?
You should have said something in the moment so everyone knows you don’t tolerate that mess.

Is there something bad about discussing a difficult personal issue while trying to understand it and decide what to do? Is it weird to want a close relative to understand how I feel?

Very much so 5 weeks later. At this point it seems like you are more intent drama than resolution. The time to say something to the offender was when it happened. It must not have been that difficult . But you chose not to, to say anything, fine. But crowd sourcing it later is pointless , especially since the offender is not a part of the crowd.

That’s literally the opposite of most credible advice on how to handle confrontations. I have a lot of self-doubt but taking a few days to sort out how I feel isn’t one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your relative is Jewish and your children are not?

Other way around, lol. But thanks for reiterating yet again the background anti-semitism!

DP. I was thinking relative was evangelistic Christian and kid was Jewish since that has been my experience with this intolerant behavior.

relative is a limousine liberal who was making a hip anti-Semitic comment he thought was amusing. Like wink wink nod nod all Jews are sneaky

I don’t know any liberals who wouldn’t find that highly offensive. Anti semitism isn’t hip in liberal circles at all.

The guys a jerk. Ghost him and don’t engage with relatives who try to push you into playing nice.

Antisemitism is absolutely part of the new woke. I say this as one who tended to lean progressive until the aftermath of October 7th.

I was prepared to talk about Gaza actually but not for the casual anti-Semitic “joke”! I do feel like it was evidence that it’s ok in some circles to say those things now (as long as there are no Jews around). I feel like the Gaza convo would have been totally normal unless he did something weird like demand that I recite that Israel is committing genocide if I brought up my kid’s bar mitzvah prep. (which is actually the kind of thing he’d do …)

Ok, OP, exactly what did he say?
And how could you have not reacted on the spot??
I’m Christian and at least would have uttered an ‘WTF dude’
Also, people can acknowledge and realize that Oct 7th was horrible and terrorism is awful and not tolerated , Hamas should be held accountable AND think that what the Israeli government is doing is genocide.
Those ideas are not mutually exclusive, not anti-Semitic and not fodder for a joke or a slight.

Gaza actually wasn’t part of the conversation but thanks for the lecture. I’m sure relative also would love to lecture me about what is and is not anti-Semitic, which is partly why I didn’t respond. And he had already gone off at me on an unrelated matter, so I had zero interest in discussing it with him at that time and creating more conflict at the holiday gathering. I just left the room.

Like I said, Well that is sort of on you.
I do not tolerate racism or anti-semitism or any -ism in my presence, especially if directed towards my child.
But that was your choice, if others want to tell you the “joke” was not offensive, tell them to kick rocks.
But now you want to make a big deal of ‘breaking off’ the relationship. Just leave his crazy a** alone. Why do you need to crowd source this with your whole extended family????
If he says something out of turn, go off on him.

you totally failed to read my OP. I don’t want to make a big deal - that’s the whole point. I want it to go away. my kid actually wasn’t there at the time but probably my reaction would have been different. I’m still mulling over what to do.

I read your OP.
Some people only understand getting their butts cussed out!
Let her rip!!!!

It’s a good question to ask why I don’t feel capable of doing that. I think it’s because I just want to get away from him, not even have the interaction that yelling would entail. There would be no satisfaction for me and then he’d just tell everyone I’m “crazy.”

I mean what advice do you want? You aren’t willing to stand up for your child, there’s nothing else to say.

This is unfair to OP and her child. I'm Jewish and most of my family is not. I wouldn't want my mom to try to defend me. First of all, she's not equipped with the language to do it. Second, it would just fuel the fire; I'm thinking of my relatives who might say something like this and they are all attention-seekers who say stuff to get a reaction. There are lots of ways to stand up for your child. OP should make sure her child knows they are loved and cared for, and part of the way to do that is to let the relationship with this other relative lapse.

I've got a cousin who is gay and my aunt handles her bigoted brother in law in the same way. Just walk away, rant about it to me and my mom, and continue to validate and support her daughter. They only see that uncle at funerals and mostly avoid talking to him even then.

Point is, OP, it's ok to just quietly walk away from this relative. You can go so far as to avoid family gatherings he will be at, but if that's not feasible given your extended family dynamics, just find another room to be in most of the time.

Thus makes zero sense to me. I am African American, been that my whole life, and I honest to God do not understand the ability to say , ‘hey, that’s racist,, sexist, anti-Semitic, inappropriate, out of order, insensitive, mean, rude’ PICK A WORD!
WHO cares if you are the only one in the room, do you know often black people have to deal with that -ish?!!
There is no argument, you call the person out, end of discussion. They try to respond, ‘I SAID WHAT I said!’
This weird over thinking and explaining and discussing, it’s weird and pointless.
You do not tolerate these things. PERIOD!