Don’t want to cut off, but also no desire for a relationship?

[Anonymous]

A close relative has become increasingly nasty to me, capped off by an offensive joke told at Thanksgiving about my kid’s religion. I’m loath to cause any drama but I also just feel … done with this relative? I want to just never talk to them again really but not make a big deal about it. I’ll gracefully decline invitations to their house, and ignore them if they are at other’s homes.

Other relatives seem to think it’s on me to try to “understand what they are going through” or make overtures to them to make our relationship better (like tell them they hurt my feelings, etc). But frankly, we didn’t have a strong relationship before all of this, so it’s not like there’s much to repair. And yeah, I feel like I shouldn’t have to be in charge of maintaining this relationship; and I’m also wary of such a conversation going wrong (him blaming me, denying what happened, etc).

I guess at the end of the day I feel like I deal with enough bullsh*t at work and with my exDH trying to hold together relationships with cr*ppy dudes who seem to think they can be jerks with no repercussions - I don’t really have the energy to do this in another context and would rather just let this relationship fade out.

[Anonymous]

No need to have a big ‘ breakup’ conversation but what did you say when they made the offensive joke???

[Anonymous]

Just stop talking to them and move on. You do not have to be best friends with everyone. You can dislike people.

Do not make the effect to see them and avoid places where you will run in to them. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need to have a big ‘ breakup’ conversation but what did you say when they made the offensive joke???

nothing. it was so shocking that I just went into another room and stayed there the rest of the night until they left.

[Anonymous]

Set boundaries and stick to them. The toxic relative will likely cut themselves off.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so you just let it fade out. Pretty common.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have DCUM permission to ghost this relative. No explanation needed.

[Anonymous]

Other relatives seem to think it’s on me to try to “understand what they are going through” or make overtures to them to make our relationship better (like tell them they hurt my feelings, etc).

So just say "I agree, and am willing to hear them out if they want to apologize" and keep reiterating to the family members the pressure should be on the other person.

[Anonymous]

The conversation you need to have is with the relatives who are telling you to play nice. With them, you need say they are offensive and rude to defend the indefensible. You need to push back hard and advocate for yourself and your child. They think gender norms apply, they think juniors should be courteous to elders, or whatever other crap. Teach them to respect you (not like you).

There is nothing to do about the actual offender. He's not worth your time and effort. There is actually nothing to repair here. Ignore and ghost. Do not contact, do not visit, do not invite him. Double check if he will be present at other gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Dysfunctional family systems will do anything to try to preserve the big family gathering and pretend things are fine. You now know they are not going to be supportive. Just detach from the problematic person and if they rest of the family tries to push you together maintain silent boundaries. Let them have their denial. Show no emotion. Just say "no, I won't be going to Lulu's house." When they tell you Lulu has been through a lot and she is just a victim, just show no emotion and either make an excuse to go to the bathroom or change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you just define “close relative?“ is it a sibling? A parent? A cousin? It makes it difference.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, your relative is Jewish and your children are not?

[Anonymous]

You could also try not being so sensitive and realize that the guy made a bad joke. Remember a time when people could say dumb things and we would just be like hey man that sucks!? Instead of all this talk about cutting someone out of your life forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could also try not being so sensitive and realize that the guy made a bad joke. Remember a time when people could say dumb things and we would just be like hey man that sucks!? Instead of all this talk about cutting someone out of your life forever.

I'm guessing this isn't a one-tine occurrence, PP, but a generally dismissive person who always makes borderline comments and jokes. People around him have become inured to it, but OP can't stand it because he's targeting her kid.

[Anonymous]

Well I’m sure you’re right, the guy sounds like a douche bag. It doesn’t mean you have to use some nuclear option and never go to his house again! Or have a big conversation! Just avoid the guy and don’t sit near him. OP can’t be the only one who thinks the guy is a jerk.