Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Because a kid is "raised" by the age of 5? Is that how it works? There is nothing left to do after the age of 5? And where are all those daycare employees after the kid starts elementary school? if they were "raising kids" wouldn't they need to stay involved? Shouldn't they be paying bills and making sure the kid has shelter, clothing, goes to school, does their homework, has a moral compass?

No what people like you don't want to admit, is that the first few years are basic caregiving and essentially any kind and normal person who likes kids is equally as good as a parent at caregiving for 8 hours a day. But in polite society this will hurt feelings.

The actual raising of kids and doing the tough work starts when kids are elementary school age and older. When moral and ethical situations creep into children's lives. That's where the real parenting happens.

If you read up on brain development, you will see that the majority of the foundation that shapes you happens in the first few years of life. Of course development doesn't come to a halt but it slows exponentially in terms of the building blocks tht make someone who they are. Young children are also completely dependnet on adults and so those interactions are very impactly to their development. As they get a little older, the interactions accumulate and they have their own ability to respond to their needs so each interaction is less impactful. Understanding childhood development is important. Your child's brain is pretty much entirely determined by the time they go to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

That's not a normal schedule for most that work. you are fortunate.

9 to 5 is a very normal schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

Well, I took care of my own babies and toddlers precisely because I did not want someone else raising them, so I guess I would not be offended by this turn of phrase. Any way you cut it, putting your baby or toddler in daycare or handing him off to a nanny is having someone else raise him. At least a nanny is a dedicated one-on-one caregiver who usually stays on for a few years. If I had been rich, I might have hired a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

Not everyone is working just because they couldn't afford to stay home.

Yes, people want to work but they can also want few years off to raise their babies. Its not mutually exclusive. Same way, people want to raise babies themselves but often want to work part time or remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

Just like ones who can't/don't want to spend time with their children and feel insecure about their decisions. There are no perfect choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

I guess if you try to act superior about your choice and try to put their's down, they don't feel its rude to use similar phrases? Delusions of grandeur are bad no matter what choice one makes.

[Anonymous]

How is this offensive? Are you trying to raise their kid or something? It’s their kid they can raise them however they want.

[Anonymous]

I changed to part time when my kids entered elementary. I am often asked why and I answer honestly that I wanted to be able to see them off in the am and be home when they get home in the pm and I was fortunate enough that my husband made enough I could drop my hours. I do in-person work and would have to find before care and aftercare if I worked full time and I wasn’t comfortable with those hours as my children aged out of daycare. I dont apologize for this answer and I dont judge others who work full time because all our circumstances are different.

[Anonymous]

NP. I am not offended in the slightest. But it does make me classify the speaker as stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

It’s not just women though. There are also men who struggle with these same decisions and we are erased from the conversation.

[Anonymous]

I’m not offended at all by this. Personally, I’m not really a baby person so I was happy to outsource that. I totally understand brain development, but I think the earlier part of childhood is easier to outsource. I am happy that by the time my kid was in fifth grade, I was in the C suite and can mostly set my own schedule. I’m up with her every morning and get her off to school and I can typically be done when she gets home from school to shuttle her places while we talk about her day. We watch TV and movies together and talk from them about all kinds of issues. We can travel, go to museums, etc. Some people think the baby/toddler stuff is most important. I think these tween/teen years will be the most important. None of us are all right or all wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

You are a mean, smug person who lacks perspective. Just another wealthy jerk making the world a worse place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not offended at all by this. Personally, I’m not really a baby person so I was happy to outsource that. I totally understand brain development, but I think the earlier part of childhood is easier to outsource. I am happy that by the time my kid was in fifth grade, I was in the C suite and can mostly set my own schedule. I’m up with her every morning and get her off to school and I can typically be done when she gets home from school to shuttle her places while we talk about her day. We watch TV and movies together and talk from them about all kinds of issues. We can travel, go to museums, etc. Some people think the baby/toddler stuff is most important. I think these tween/teen years will be the most important. None of us are all right or all wrong.

If you’re “in the C suite” then why won’t you offer flexibility to your employees? Be a good person.

[Anonymous]

No but I do assume that person is kind of an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

Ok