Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for 4 years, but worked nights and weekends when DP was home.
I'd think the person who says it is kind of special. I'd be ready to hear more statements coming out them.
I stayed home because DP didn't trust anyone with the child unless it was a family member. His distrust really was a problem.
He never went to daycare. All he knows is his parents, grandparents, and 7 siblings.
I was in an awesome daycare from age 2.5 to 7.5. Every kid in the town went to the same daycare. We all have great memories from the time.
Really depends on a parent and a daycare if you asked me. I would not have wanted to be home with a parent who said, 'didn't want someone else to raise my kids'.

[Anonymous]

Totally unacceptable. It’s really only true in the most extreme cases with completely uninvolved parents, weekday nanny followed by evening and weekend au pair, etc. The vast majority of working parents are just as engaged in “raising” the kids as a SAH parent.

- a SAHM

[Anonymous]

It's silly if the person is trying to imply that people who use childcare do not "raise" their kids. Of course they do. They raise their kids though they also work with their childcare provider on this. The childcare provider is definitely also raising the kids.

So it's understandable to me if they are talking about just wanting to not share that experience with a hired provider. Some people really enjoy the early years and they don't want to miss certain things or let someone else experience those things with their kids while they're at work.

Also some people have really mediocre child are options. If all you can afford is a not-great daycare where you don't feel the providers are going to approach their role in helping raise your kid with the attitude you'd hope, then youight choose to stay home. But you might make a different choice if you had access to a really high quality care provider. Not everyone does though.

Working parents are of course raising their kids but they are also outsourcing portions of the work to someone else (the choice of that someone else is part of them raising their kids). Both things are true at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

It's rude, sure. But surely you don't actually believe you are using your intellectual capabilities to the same degree that you would be/were prior to staying home with kids? I know that I felt very unchallenged in many areas, mostly intellectual, and completely overwhelmed in others.

Intellectual capabilities are usually unchallenged at work too. Most of work is drudgery even in intellectually demanding jobs. Especially at the mid career leadership level when you transition which is what parents often are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

That's not a normal schedule for most that work. you are fortunate.

Right, exactly. Stop judging because you don't know peoples schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Whatever makes you feel better about not being able to handle both a career and a family. My kids are in school 9 - 4 and I get home 30 minutes after their bus drops them off. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot of childraising during those 30 minutes

You are a mean, smug person who lacks perspective. Just another wealthy jerk making the world a worse place.

Really? I'm a mean, smug person because my kids go to a late start elementary and I have a job close to my home that allows me to be home at 5pm? How does that make me mean and smug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two teens here with two observations:

1) my kids friends are all really great, smart, well mannered, kind kids. I couldn’t tell you which ones had SAHMs and which ones had WOHMs if I didn’t know their parents (I know many but not all and it’s a mix of both working and non working parents - they all raised awesome kids).


2) this concept of raising your own children is a relatively new phenomenon. Ever heard of the term “it takes a village”? I also have seen some studies that say that working parents now spend significantly more time with their children than stay at home moms did 20-30 years ago. Probably because there isn’t really a village anymore.

Interesting how everyone is just passing by and ignoring this post. As a mom of older ES kids, I agree - all of my children's friends are wonderful kids. Some of them have SAHMs, some of them have two working parents. They're all great kids. If it makes you ladies feel better to put down working moms and tell us we're ruining our children forever, then fine, go ahead, but my kids have turned out great so far, even with a mom who sent them to daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn’t realize saying this is potentially going to ruffle some feathers has low EQ.

So the choices are you knowingly say things that are going to make some people feel a certain kind of way and you don’t care or you have low EQ. So I’m not offended but then I form an opinion of you probably.

Yep it's this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

It's rude, sure. But surely you don't actually believe you are using your intellectual capabilities to the same degree that you would be/were prior to staying home with kids? I know that I felt very unchallenged in many areas, mostly intellectual, and completely overwhelmed in others.

Intellectual capabilities are usually unchallenged at work too. Most of work is drudgery even in intellectually demanding jobs. Especially at the mid career leadership level when you transition which is what parents often are.

I was a SAHM and now I'm a working mom and I felt more intellectually fulfilled as a SAHM because I spent more time reading and going to museums and because I was "my own boss" as a SAHM which allowed me to make executive decisions about my days. I also found being with small children endlessly fascinating because witnessing their brain development took me back to college courses on neuro psych and human behavior.

I like my job and it's reasonably interesting but it's a lot of the same issues over and over and I am at the mercy of clients and execs a lot of the time.

I did struggle with the lack of adult interaction as a SAHM though sadly with WFH I have similar issues now. The biggest difference now is that when I socialize with adults they seem to respect me a lot more now that I'm working. Which is interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

People who are comfortable in their choices in life don't speak that way. Polite people don't speak that way.

Right, "truly believe" is not a reason for saying things that are rude. Like you can truly think someone is fat or not bright or poor or whatever but would you say that?

[Anonymous]

Offended? No. But I'll think less of you for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

I’m sorry it’s offensive. But it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who doesn’t realize saying this is potentially going to ruffle some feathers has low EQ.

So the choices are you knowingly say things that are going to make some people feel a certain kind of way and you don’t care or you have low EQ. So I’m not offended but then I form an opinion of you probably.

So many people have low EQ though -- I've had to stop holding it against people because it's so common. I agree it's a bit time deaf and if she thought about it she should realize it's offensive. But I've also heard working moms say insanely offensive things about SAHMs -- see half the comments in this thread.

I also think it's worth pointing out that if you are primed to think people are judging you, it's incredibly easy to be offended and to offend. Everyone in this conversation is primed to feel judged so it's almost inevitable that they will keep offending each other because everyone approaches the issue from a defensive posture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

Ha, no. I'm not hurt by your stupid comment. And I don't care if that comment is that you wanted to raise your kids or use your brain. Anyone who would say either of those things isn't someone I would associate with.