Losing weight: the difference in treatment is profound

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread it's interesting people think being a size 12/14 would invite fat phobia or real negativity. I mean I get not getting hit on at that size but this is not massively obese by any means, it's your basic 5' 5", 160-180 woman who's a bit overweight. Fat phobia kicks in after 250lbs or so in my work/life experience.

I don't thinks it's phobia, it's more just being invisible.

Weight really does make a difference. I was overweight up until college and I was invisible or bullied growing up, and then rather than put on the freshman 15, I took off 50 (I'm 5'7, so I didn't look huge, because I have a large chest, but I was definitely invisible) and have pretty much been dieting since then to maintain. It was so odd getting hit on that I didn't even know I was getting hit on when it started. My friends had to tell me some guy was hitting on me when I thought they were just being nice.

[Anonymous]

If you are talking about being a size 8 versus a size 12 or 14 and you are seeing a big difference in treatment I actually think you are dealing with "pretty privilege" NOT fat phobia.

OP probably looks a lot better as an 8 than a 12 or 14. This is common. I actually look better as a 6 than a 0 and I get treated better as a 6 (when I have boobs and a butt and some fat in my cheeks). Yes it's related to weight but only insofar as weight influences your appearance. It's really about attractiveness and the fact that more attractive people get treated better. This is always true. And not just for weight. I got treated better after I got my teeth fixed. I get treated better when my hair has been professionally blown out or when I'm wearing professional makeup or nicer better-looking clothes.

Pretty privilege absolutely benefits thinner people more than fatter people as a general rule because of general preferences for thinness (but as I know well -- not TOO thin! Not so thin you start to look older or sick or lose certain curves).

This is different than what actual fat people experience -- the fat phobia where people who are obese are treated as though they have certain qualities regardless of fact (studies have shown that fat people are viewed as less intelligent and lacking in self control compared to thinner people). But that's not a size 8 versus a size 12 thing. That's more like people who are size 18+ versus everyone else.

AND even obese people can experience pretty privilege -- a size 20 who has a beautiful face and whose body is ideally proportioned for their size will still experience pretty privilege while also encountering fat phobia. Whereas a size 20 who has an average face and not ideal proportions will only experience fat phobia.

OP lost her pretty privilege when she gained relatively small amount of weight. It's not because people looked at her and though "oh no she's so fat now" because she wasn't actually fat. They just no longer looked at her and found her especially attractive or pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are talking about being a size 8 versus a size 12 or 14 and you are seeing a big difference in treatment I actually think you are dealing with "pretty privilege" NOT fat phobia.

OP probably looks a lot better as an 8 than a 12 or 14. This is common. I actually look better as a 6 than a 0 and I get treated better as a 6 (when I have boobs and a butt and some fat in my cheeks). Yes it's related to weight but only insofar as weight influences your appearance. It's really about attractiveness and the fact that more attractive people get treated better. This is always true. And not just for weight. I got treated better after I got my teeth fixed. I get treated better when my hair has been professionally blown out or when I'm wearing professional makeup or nicer better-looking clothes.

Pretty privilege absolutely benefits thinner people more than fatter people as a general rule because of general preferences for thinness (but as I know well -- not TOO thin! Not so thin you start to look older or sick or lose certain curves).

This is different than what actual fat people experience -- the fat phobia where people who are obese are treated as though they have certain qualities regardless of fact (studies have shown that fat people are viewed as less intelligent and lacking in self control compared to thinner people). But that's not a size 8 versus a size 12 thing. That's more like people who are size 18+ versus everyone else.

AND even obese people can experience pretty privilege -- a size 20 who has a beautiful face and whose body is ideally proportioned for their size will still experience pretty privilege while also encountering fat phobia. Whereas a size 20 who has an average face and not ideal proportions will only experience fat phobia.

OP lost her pretty privilege when she gained relatively small amount of weight. It's not because people looked at her and though "oh no she's so fat now" because she wasn't actually fat. They just no longer looked at her and found her especially attractive or pretty.

And notably not all thin people get pretty privilege. You can be thin and if people think you're unattractive there is zero benefit to being thin. People will openly make fun of your thinness and say derogatory things about it because it's way more important to be pretty than thin (even though culturally it's easier to be pretty if you're thin at least in Western culture at the moment).

[Anonymous]

This is a thing, OP.

I spent most of my life quite thin, then gained almost 90lbs due to medication. Then lost most of it. Then gained again. Trying to lose again.

Yes, the difference in how I am treated is profound. And it is all about looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you acted different too b/c of the weight? If you were self-conscious and insecure being heavier people probably picked up on that.

This.

If I change my vibe, people treat me differently. I’ve played around with it to see if this holds true. Seems to. Data point of one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread it's interesting people think being a size 12/14 would invite fat phobia or real negativity. I mean I get not getting hit on at that size but this is not massively obese by any means, it's your basic 5' 5", 160-180 woman who's a bit overweight. Fat phobia kicks in after 250lbs or so in my work/life experience.

5'5" and 170lbs is not a little overweight.
At that height a healthy woman under 65 should be around 110-130lbs depending on genetics and muscle mass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you acted different too b/c of the weight? If you were self-conscious and insecure being heavier people probably picked up on that.

This.

If I change my vibe, people treat me differently. I’ve played around with it to see if this holds true. Seems to. Data point of one person.

Agree. I have much more self confidence at a size 6-8 than I did at a size 12-14. I also dress differently now - I dressed to be invisible at a size 14. Dark, plain clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this thread it's interesting people think being a size 12/14 would invite fat phobia or real negativity. I mean I get not getting hit on at that size but this is not massively obese by any means, it's your basic 5' 5", 160-180 woman who's a bit overweight. Fat phobia kicks in after 250lbs or so in my work/life experience.

It’s not even fat phobia though. I went from a size 4/6 to a 0/00. So I was never fat but I still saw changes in treatment. Tiny things like shopping clerks offering assistance, people moving aside for me on transit, more smiles and eye contact from people walking by.

I think I looked “dumpier” when I was larger. My clothes hung differently, I looked less neat even in the same outfit. People seemed to pick up on that. Kind of like how a woman with coordinated accessories and a manicure will be treated differently from a woman in a holey tee and no makeup.

[Anonymous]

I went through a mentally unhealthy period in my life where I got down to my lowest weight and could wear anything and look good. I got so much more attention at that weight from men. Like tons.

[Anonymous]

My husband treats me differently at a size 2 than a size 6. He always wants sex, but the power dynamic shifts in my favor at a smaller size. He's more attentive, deferential and available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband treats me differently at a size 2 than a size 6. He always wants sex, but the power dynamic shifts in my favor at a smaller size. He's more attentive, deferential and available.

So your husband is shallow. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A size 12/14 is average sized.

Actually average is a 16-18!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband treats me differently at a size 2 than a size 6. He always wants sex, but the power dynamic shifts in my favor at a smaller size. He's more attentive, deferential and available.

Interesting. Majority of men would prefer a size 6 over a size 2

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised you are surprised by this. Being thin AND fit has positive connotations: self disciplined, makes good choices, good time management, educated about food and health, works hard

Being on the heavier end of overweight or obese has negative connotations: lazy, no discipline, gluttonous, eats garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband treats me differently at a size 2 than a size 6. He always wants sex, but the power dynamic shifts in my favor at a smaller size. He's more attentive, deferential and available.

Which size were you when you met?

My DH prefers me a little bigger and softer. He's supportive of me wanting to be fit and stronger because he knows it's for my health and that I'm thinking down the road to being healthy in old age so he's not going to complain but I know he prefers me bigger.