Dealing with other people shaming you and judging you

[Anonymous]

I come from an ivy league obsessed family and they are very snooty about it. Fortunately, as a legacy I got into an ivy so I didn't have to hang my head in shame with the cousins and aunts and uncles. My oldest has HFA and health issues. I am over the moon thrilled she is 4 year college material. No idea where she will go yet, but it will be what my mother would say in her snooty voice "a bottom rate school." My husband and I are bursting with pride at how far she has come. We faced so many challenges raising her unsupported and even shunned. Needless to say we don't hang with mom or any of the other snobs much. My son will likely be fancy pants university material, but he is also down to earth and kind and he doesn't care for the snobs either. They will of course brag to everyone they know about wherever he ends up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, I went to UVa and kid is likely going to Alabama on full merit. Kid is smart but laid back, not highly motivated and doesn’t want to grind. I’m happy he’s got an option to go to school for free and have the experience he wants.

He’s not me and I’m ok with it, screw the shamers.

Don't get this. UVA is not that far off from Alabama. Weird post.

Plus she claims he got full merit scholarship. Much more impressive than full pay at UVA

Kid is NMSF and eligible for one of Alabama’s full ride merit scholarships aimed at NMF. Nothing is final until we get the letter but he’s got a solid shot at it - 5 full years completely covered.

He also got direct admit offer to GMU already so he will be ok either way.

read the room! sheesh.

Post was about being shamed and yes, people do shame kids for going to redneck Bama, ranked #179 instead of #24 UVa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

I've looked into this and didn't find anything that fit what ds wants and would give enough merit. He really wants a big school, doesn't want midwest...So there were limiting factors. And he didn't want to apply to ASU or Alabama or other big state schools that would likely give him some merit because he doesn't like where they are either.

OK, I think you are going to have to go a step below the flagships. THAT is the issue.

Our flagship is his reach. Whatever else is going to be "below", as in 100+ at best. He doesn't especially want to go far, so chasing merit out of state doesn't make a lot of sense because it would be only marginally better than a regional college closer.

I really think you are the one with the problem. YOU are obsessed with this nonsense.

I was trying to help, but I honestly cannot take you seriously.

Best of luck - you're going to need it, apparently.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making him an extreme outliner by limiting his application to: one.

[Anonymous]

Most of the highly successful people I know (who make a lot of money) did not go to an Ivy Leagues. They went to state universities that weren't super hard to get into. You can get a really good education at so many universities that are not considered high academics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my extended family, all the parents (quite a few) with PhDs from elite universities have children who have attended or are attending or will soon attend non-elite universities, and all the children with elite academic affiliations have parents without them. I think that puts everything in the right perspective.

We are seeing this. My kid is the first in family at an Ivy (well his great grandfather went to one- but nobody else—no $$). All the parent Ivy grads we know have kids that didn’t get into one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suspect the problem is not that others are judging your kid, but that you are judging your kid, probably because your own sense of identity is tied up with your own elite alma mater. That was a long time ago. Let your old college be just a small part of your story, and let most of that chapter be about what you did while you were there, not the name on the diploma. Work on reorganizing your personal narrative around something present, and more within your control: your accomplishments, hobbies, volunteer work, throwing parties, anything but how you did in high school or where you went to school a million years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my extended family, all the parents (quite a few) with PhDs from elite universities have children who have attended or are attending or will soon attend non-elite universities, and all the children with elite academic affiliations have parents without them. I think that puts everything in the right perspective.

I’m actually not understanding what you are trying to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the highly successful people I know (who make a lot of money) did not go to an Ivy Leagues. They went to state universities that weren't super hard to get into. You can get a really good education at so many universities that are not considered high academics.

Name some or name their positions and companies.

Another “trust me…I know highly successful people who went to no name X” post…but zilch on any specifics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the highly successful people I know (who make a lot of money) did not go to an Ivy Leagues. They went to state universities that weren't super hard to get into. You can get a really good education at so many universities that are not considered high academics.

Name some or name their positions and companies.

Another “trust me…I know highly successful people who went to no name X” post…but zilch on any specifics.

I'm not this poster, but you people absolutely blow. Seriously, get over yourselves. Pretentious a-holes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are assuming people will have a specific reaction that I think most people will NOT have. Some yes but eff those people.

There is an experience I have had several times in this area that I don't have anywhere else. And that's where a parent will tell me where their graduating senior is headed after college *apologetically.* It is super weird. Never once have I though the college they were listing was a disappointment.

Once memorable time a colleague told me their kid was attending MY alma mater (which they obviously didn't realize) and immediately launched into an excuses-laden explanation for why their kid didn't wind up at a more prestigious school. He isn't a good test taker and they didn't realize how ED works at some schools and on and on. I was like "That's great! I went there! It's a terrific school -- let me know if he has any questions about the campus or the town or anything. I'd love to help any way I can." And then the parent was immediately embarrassed about their VISIBLE embarrassment that their kid is going to the school I attended.

But guess why that colleague had no idea I'd attended that school for undergrad. Well it's because I went to a very prestigious graduate program where our employer recruited heavily and people in the office tended to know who went there. So this person assumed I'd be the sort to look down my nose at [the wonderful and high quality if not super well-respected in the DC area] state school her son is attending. When in reality I am living proof that prestige is not the most important thing about your college and does not actually determine where you wind up in life to the degree that many seem to think it doesm.

So please for your kid's sake and your own and just for the sanity of living in a non-shi**y world be proud of your kid and stop apologizing for what I'm sure will be a great college for him.

This happened to me in my neighborhood. But, to be honest, I felt judged when I first moved here and all the neighbors went to private school and Ivies or expensive, private SLACs. My parents couldn't afford it --so it was state school for me--even being at the very top of my class. Things have kind of turned out weird in that now I have the kids at Ivies and these people are upset their own kids didn't get legacy admission and now they are explaining to me. I am the last person that could care!

I have been at dinner parties and neighborhood events over the years where people actively disparaged my alma mater (not knowing I went there). Flash forward 10 years, my kid is at an Ivy and many of those snooty people now have kids at my alma mater—and even some whose kids couldn’t get in . Now of course those same people quickly changed their script and now they go on and on about how my Alma mater is such a great school and we are idiots for paying for an Ivy. lol

[Anonymous]

Oh, the horror - a kid at a school under T100.

Might as well just flip burgers.

I am so done with you idiots.

Go on with your holier than thou crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from an ivy league obsessed family and they are very snooty about it. Fortunately, as a legacy I got into an ivy so I didn't have to hang my head in shame with the cousins and aunts and uncles. My oldest has HFA and health issues. I am over the moon thrilled she is 4 year college material. No idea where she will go yet, but it will be what my mother would say in her snooty voice "a bottom rate school." My husband and I are bursting with pride at how far she has come. We faced so many challenges raising her unsupported and even shunned. Needless to say we don't hang with mom or any of the other snobs much. My son will likely be fancy pants university material, but he is also down to earth and kind and he doesn't care for the snobs either. They will of course brag to everyone they know about wherever he ends up.

This person knows what’s what! Op, learn from her example-the people who do well in your situation (fancy school and kid heading to non-fancy) are the ones who weee either never snobs or quickly un-snobbified themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the highly successful people I know (who make a lot of money) did not go to an Ivy Leagues. They went to state universities that weren't super hard to get into. You can get a really good education at so many universities that are not considered high academics.

Name some or name their positions and companies.

Another “trust me…I know highly successful people who went to no name X” post…but zilch on any specifics.

I'm not this poster, but you people absolutely blow. Seriously, get over yourselves. Pretentious a-holes

No, it’s just that I’m tired of the multitude of posts where someone relays some random anecdote with absolutely nothing to back it up.

I wish them to be true but I doubt they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are assuming people will have a specific reaction that I think most people will NOT have. Some yes but eff those people.

There is an experience I have had several times in this area that I don't have anywhere else. And that's where a parent will tell me where their graduating senior is headed after college *apologetically.* It is super weird. Never once have I though the college they were listing was a disappointment.

Once memorable time a colleague told me their kid was attending MY alma mater (which they obviously didn't realize) and immediately launched into an excuses-laden explanation for why their kid didn't wind up at a more prestigious school. He isn't a good test taker and they didn't realize how ED works at some schools and on and on. I was like "That's great! I went there! It's a terrific school -- let me know if he has any questions about the campus or the town or anything. I'd love to help any way I can." And then the parent was immediately embarrassed about their VISIBLE embarrassment that their kid is going to the school I attended.

But guess why that colleague had no idea I'd attended that school for undergrad. Well it's because I went to a very prestigious graduate program where our employer recruited heavily and people in the office tended to know who went there. So this person assumed I'd be the sort to look down my nose at [the wonderful and high quality if not super well-respected in the DC area] state school her son is attending. When in reality I am living proof that prestige is not the most important thing about your college and does not actually determine where you wind up in life to the degree that many seem to think it doesm.

So please for your kid's sake and your own and just for the sanity of living in a non-shi**y world be proud of your kid and stop apologizing for what I'm sure will be a great college for him.

This happened to me in my neighborhood. But, to be honest, I felt judged when I first moved here and all the neighbors went to private school and Ivies or expensive, private SLACs. My parents couldn't afford it --so it was state school for me--even being at the very top of my class. Things have kind of turned out weird in that now I have the kids at Ivies and these people are upset their own kids didn't get legacy admission and now they are explaining to me. I am the last person that could care!

I have been at dinner parties and neighborhood events over the years where people actively disparaged my alma mater (not knowing I went there). Flash forward 10 years, my kid is at an Ivy and many of those snooty people now have kids at my alma mater—and even some whose kids couldn’t get in . Now of course those same people quickly changed their script and now they go on and on about how my Alma mater is such a great school and we are idiots for paying for an Ivy. lol

This is the second or third post of someone commenting they went to no name U, but kids now go to an Ivy.

Seems like this is the opposite of what OP is talking about so it’s strange that people are commenting as such.