Dealing with other people shaming you and judging you

[Anonymous]

I think ds is going to end up at a regional university at best (he should get into at least one). He's a good student but not shiny enough for merit out of state, and spending a ton doesn't make financial sense when he says he is perfectly happy staying in state. I know he will be fine wherever he goes, but I still feel bad that I am going to tell people where he is going and they are going to judge. Dh and I went to very prestigious schools, but under extremely different circumstances. I am sure everyone expects the same from our kids. Their only similar age cousin is at Oxford now so the contrast will not be good. How do I stop caring? I know it is absolutely stupid and shallow to care!

[Anonymous]

Others care less than you think. The only people who really care are you and your own family. It sounds like you feel bad about this on many levels.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you know from your last sentence, but this is not what people are thinking about your kid, but rather what you think people are thinking about your kid.

The likelihood that anybody ACTUALLY says anything to shame or judge is extremely know. You are basing your feelings on what you are *imagining* will happen in their head.

Be proud of your kid and don't worry yourself with making up things about what other people think.

[Anonymous]

I get it, I went to UVa and kid is likely going to Alabama on full merit. Kid is smart but laid back, not highly motivated and doesn’t want to grind. I’m happy he’s got an option to go to school for free and have the experience he wants.

He’s not me and I’m ok with it, screw the shamers.

[Anonymous]

anyone who will shame your kid is an a-hole.

I was the good student with good stats who went T50 right out of HS.

My husband barely graduated HS, joined the military, got his electrical engineering degree PT over 10 years of schooling while working FT. He attended two community colleges and then George Mason to get it.

Our child STRUGGLED with school and the LEAST of our worries was the way a-holes would react to wherever she landed. I am proud of her to want to go anywhere and she found her perfect little fit (at least on paper) in a small regional LAC (not in OUR region) that is known for its programs for kids with LDs AND its performing arts programs.

Please do NOT let anyone else's opinions concern you or your kid. You have to meet your kid where they are. Don't push just because of expectations.

[Anonymous]

OP you don't have to make any big announcements, just tell the people you trust and who care about your family, when and if it comes up (face to face).

Otherwise, its nobody's business and its not a competition either, it sounds like he will go to a place suited to him where he can thrive, and that's what matters.

[Anonymous]

You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

[Anonymous]

My oldest goes to a high ranked school.

My youngest was at out oldest’s school when he found out he got into his 1st choice which was an SEC school.

A few moms (all Ivy grads) said “oh congrats which school?”

He said SC, and the look in their faces was priceless… they tried their best to fake congratulations.

You know what, they are really nice people if not a little skewed in their thinking .

We laughed it off we don’t feel responsible for other people’s follies.

[Anonymous]

I don't say this to be mean, but to be honest. If your kid is happy and you are stressing about it because of what other's will think or say than you may want to see a therapist. That is not healthy behavior for you or your kid and coming on an anonymous board seeking advice is not the appropriate level of help you require to fix it. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like the student. Can't imagine a parent acting like this. Who gives a $hit what others think? My God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

I love this so much! Thanks for sharing it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

I've looked into this and didn't find anything that fit what ds wants and would give enough merit. He really wants a big school, doesn't want midwest...So there were limiting factors. And he didn't want to apply to ASU or Alabama or other big state schools that would likely give him some merit because he doesn't like where they are either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like the student. Can't imagine a parent acting like this. Who gives a $hit what others think? My God.

The OP mentions a cousin at Oxford as a point of comparison, not friends' kids.

So is it safe to assume this is about intrusive and gossipy family members? If so, I have a lot of empathy and can see why this requires some extra effort to stay grounded.

Most extended families are happy when the kids are happy or are pretty darn removed from decisions like this.

But some extended families can be pretty darn rude about this stuff, either because they have poor boundaries (and believe everything is about or reflects on them) or because of cultural norms where grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/close family friends are more included in what feels like "nuclear family" issues to many of us.

Either way, my advice has two parts:

(1) Focus first on your DS. Is this a good result for him, all things considered (his application/achievements, your family's priorities and finances)? Do you believe he will be happy and successful at this school? Are the opportunities a good fit for him? Do you think he's well-positioned to take advantage of them and grow and learn as a student and person in the next four years? Do you see him ready to launch to a career or grad school immediately after he graduates?

If so, CONGRATULATIONS!! I mean this sincerely. If you center your son and your immediate family and see this as a good result for you all, you've done GREAT! Remind yourself of this often. "This school is a great fit for DS."

(2) Stop guessing what other people think of you, your immediate family, and your son. They probably don't care or judge nearly as much as you think. Unless they say otherwise, assume they're happy for you and DS.

(3) If anyone asks some double-edged questions or suggests you might be disappointed, just respond with something clear and simple: "We're thrilled! It's a great fit for DS!" No need to explain the reasons to anyone unless you want to. Literally no one is entitled to details about your son's grades, test scores, or vbroader admissions profile. Same for information about your immediate family's financial priorities.

If you want to choose that information and "explain" why this school is "such a great fit" for your DS, go ahead. But do not feel obligated to do so.

What matters is that your DS is happy with the result, and that you and DH are, too. Other people are entitled to their opinions, of course. (As we like to say, "Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody has one." But their opinions are about them, not you. Keep focusing on your DS's happiness and this concern will fade away.

Again, congratulations! Seems like a great outcome for all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, I went to UVa and kid is likely going to Alabama on full merit. Kid is smart but laid back, not highly motivated and doesn’t want to grind. I’m happy he’s got an option to go to school for free and have the experience he wants.

He’s not me and I’m ok with it, screw the shamers.

Don't get this. UVA is not that far off from Alabama. Weird post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest goes to a high ranked school.

My youngest was at out oldest’s school when he found out he got into his 1st choice which was an SEC school.

A few moms (all Ivy grads) said “oh congrats which school?”

He said SC, and the look in their faces was priceless… they tried their best to fake congratulations.

You know what, they are really nice people if not a little skewed in their thinking .

We laughed it off we don’t feel responsible for other people’s follies.

See, I find an element of disingenuousness in your post.

South Carolina is ranked #121 and people generally know it exists, know a little something about it...it's a perfectly fine school. I think you likely decided it's an "acceptable" school for your kid.

Just wondering if your kid's 1st choice school was let's say Francis Marion University, Lander University, Erskine College...there are 100+ fairly random schools in the state of South Carolina...if you would feel the same way.