Dealing with other people shaming you and judging you

[Anonymous]

I've met several families lately where the child/family has chosen a different path and go straight into workforce. Some in a trade, some as first responders, some in care for others (whether that be children or adults with needs). When they talk about it, they say what their child wanted (or didn't) in terms of school and how they found their path. Not once did I think poorly of the child or the parent. I applauded them for doing what was right for them. I recognize that it is hard to take a different path, especially in a highly competitive environment when so many are not only going to college, but then measuring each other up based on "which college". Take yourself out of that bubble - be confident in (and stand behind) your child for taking the path that works for them.

[Anonymous]

PS - they find at their regional university that they can shine. And that's a great thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest goes to a high ranked school.

My youngest was at out oldest’s school when he found out he got into his 1st choice which was an SEC school.

A few moms (all Ivy grads) said “oh congrats which school?”

He said SC, and the look in their faces was priceless… they tried their best to fake congratulations.

You know what, they are really nice people if not a little skewed in their thinking .

We laughed it off we don’t feel responsible for other people’s follies.

See, I find an element of disingenuousness in your post.

South Carolina is ranked #121 and people generally know it exists, know a little something about it...it's a perfectly fine school. I think you likely decided it's an "acceptable" school for your kid.

Just wondering if your kid's 1st choice school was let's say Francis Marion University, Lander University, Erskine College...there are 100+ fairly random schools in the state of South Carolina...if you would feel the same way.

Yes I would if that is where they wanted to go. Like Dayton was on the list but not 1st choice and Tennessee. I don't think it matters and believe me SEC is like saying work release in NE.

but the reality is IDGAF what other think, I think to myself, hmm too bad for them that they were socialized to this this way.

But I will say my brother who didn't go to college makes more than my brother who is a patent attorney so...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest goes to a high ranked school.

My youngest was at out oldest’s school when he found out he got into his 1st choice which was an SEC school.

A few moms (all Ivy grads) said “oh congrats which school?”

He said SC, and the look in their faces was priceless… they tried their best to fake congratulations.

You know what, they are really nice people if not a little skewed in their thinking .

We laughed it off we don’t feel responsible for other people’s follies.

See, I find an element of disingenuousness in your post.

South Carolina is ranked #121 and people generally know it exists, know a little something about it...it's a perfectly fine school. I think you likely decided it's an "acceptable" school for your kid.

Just wondering if your kid's 1st choice school was let's say Francis Marion University, Lander University, Erskine College...there are 100+ fairly random schools in the state of South Carolina...if you would feel the same way.

Yes I would if that is where they wanted to go. Like Dayton was on the list but not 1st choice and Tennessee. I don't think it matters and believe me SEC is like saying work release in NE.

but the reality is IDGAF what other think, I think to myself, hmm too bad for them that they were socialized to this this way.

But I will say my brother who didn't go to college makes more than my brother who is a patent attorney so...

Again, you keep naming schools that are generally known and decently ranked. Not a single "regional" school like OP posted.

[Anonymous]

+1000 to the PP who pointed out that the best fit for DC is the best school in the world. You can be first-rate excited, first-rate thrilled, and first-rate supportive about a school ranked anywhere on any list if DC is happy and likely to thrive. Celebrate proudly, because you have achieved a very elusive thing: a highly appropriate match. Not many folks can say that, especially those who are aiming for some particular numerical rank regardless of real, actual fit. Research dollars expended does not buy your child's happiness, and at this age, at this cost, in this world, that is the most precious thing of all.

[Anonymous]

You are assuming people will have a specific reaction that I think most people will NOT have. Some yes but eff those people.

There is an experience I have had several times in this area that I don't have anywhere else. And that's where a parent will tell me where their graduating senior is headed after college *apologetically.* It is super weird. Never once have I though the college they were listing was a disappointment.

Once memorable time a colleague told me their kid was attending MY alma mater (which they obviously didn't realize) and immediately launched into an excuses-laden explanation for why their kid didn't wind up at a more prestigious school. He isn't a good test taker and they didn't realize how ED works at some schools and on and on. I was like "That's great! I went there! It's a terrific school -- let me know if he has any questions about the campus or the town or anything. I'd love to help any way I can." And then the parent was immediately embarrassed about their VISIBLE embarrassment that their kid is going to the school I attended.

But guess why that colleague had no idea I'd attended that school for undergrad. Well it's because I went to a very prestigious graduate program where our employer recruited heavily and people in the office tended to know who went there. So this person assumed I'd be the sort to look down my nose at [the wonderful and high quality if not super well-respected in the DC area] state school her son is attending. When in reality I am living proof that prestige is not the most important thing about your college and does not actually determine where you wind up in life to the degree that many seem to think it doesm.

So please for your kid's sake and your own and just for the sanity of living in a non-shi**y world be proud of your kid and stop apologizing for what I'm sure will be a great college for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, I went to UVa and kid is likely going to Alabama on full merit. Kid is smart but laid back, not highly motivated and doesn’t want to grind. I’m happy he’s got an option to go to school for free and have the experience he wants.

He’s not me and I’m ok with it, screw the shamers.

Full merit? So he got a 4.0/1600?

[Anonymous]

Most adults know that high achievers will be successful no matter which college they graduate from. I went to a solid university and was surprised to read in a thread here a few weeks ago that we have the same HHI as posters who went to Princeton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

I love this so much! Thanks for sharing it!!

absolutely I just hope it continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might be surprised what merit you can get oos or at privates that aren't T50 or whatever.

I found several little gems for my daughter across the country.

There is a FB group for parents of awesomely average students that might be of help.

Also, there is NO SHAME in going to community college for a little while. Seriously. It saves money. In some states, it is free.

Best of luck. My child who didn't even get a 2.5 in HS managed to get into 4 schools and is very happy with the choices she had. She is getting special support at her school and her attitude towards schoolwork is so much better already.

I've looked into this and didn't find anything that fit what ds wants and would give enough merit. He really wants a big school, doesn't want midwest...So there were limiting factors. And he didn't want to apply to ASU or Alabama or other big state schools that would likely give him some merit because he doesn't like where they are either.

OK, I think you are going to have to go a step below the flagships. THAT is the issue.

[Anonymous]

How big is a big school?

What state are you in?

If you are in MD, check out Towson.

If you are in VA, ODU might be a fun option.

WVU might be an option, actually.

I know people are going to laugh, but my kid looked at Slippery Rock in PA. We also looked at Bloomsburg late in the process. Are these going to have big time televised sports? No. But the kids seem to love them, the admissions requirements aren't as high and they are very reasonably priced.

Look, my child looked at Radford and ODU. Liked both very much. She didn't have the stats for higher. Radford wound up as her runner up.

I think your child might need to loosen requirements just a tad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, I went to UVa and kid is likely going to Alabama on full merit. Kid is smart but laid back, not highly motivated and doesn’t want to grind. I’m happy he’s got an option to go to school for free and have the experience he wants.

He’s not me and I’m ok with it, screw the shamers.[/quor

You don't seem ok with it. The fact you had to say it's free TWICE says you're not. But I get it. DH and I work for firms that are big on prestige and we have friends who had to deal with this. We might have to as well. It's definitely something reasonable to struggle with, though a total first world problem I guess we're lucky to have.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid at an Ivy and my cousin's kid is in the same town at a very small school that nobody on this board has ever mentioned--likely not heard of.

It made zero difference in our family. Both were celebrated and my son and this second cousin he only met once or twice when they were really little have met up a few times. It's nice.

Our family has kids that have gone all across the gamut---T10s to T100-200s+. Some have taken time off and gone back. Some have gone onto grad school. Then, on my husband's side none of the grandkids even go to college.

You can't let this stuff bother you. You need to grow a thicker skin, and please do not let your kid catch wind of your feelings. He should feel proud and celebrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest goes to a high ranked school.

My youngest was at out oldest’s school when he found out he got into his 1st choice which was an SEC school.

A few moms (all Ivy grads) said “oh congrats which school?”

He said SC, and the look in their faces was priceless… they tried their best to fake congratulations.

You know what, they are really nice people if not a little skewed in their thinking .

We laughed it off we don’t feel responsible for other people’s follies.

See, I find an element of disingenuousness in your post.

South Carolina is ranked #121 and people generally know it exists, know a little something about it...it's a perfectly fine school. I think you likely decided it's an "acceptable" school for your kid.

Just wondering if your kid's 1st choice school was let's say Francis Marion University, Lander University, Erskine College...there are 100+ fairly random schools in the state of South Carolina...if you would feel the same way.

Yes I would if that is where they wanted to go. Like Dayton was on the list but not 1st choice and Tennessee. I don't think it matters and believe me SEC is like saying work release in NE.

but the reality is IDGAF what other think, I think to myself, hmm too bad for them that they were socialized to this this way.

But I will say my brother who didn't go to college makes more than my brother who is a patent attorney so...

Again, you keep naming schools that are generally known and decently ranked. Not a single "regional" school like OP posted.

You are doing exactly what OP fears, ranking their school against others. Wild response actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are assuming people will have a specific reaction that I think most people will NOT have. Some yes but eff those people.

There is an experience I have had several times in this area that I don't have anywhere else. And that's where a parent will tell me where their graduating senior is headed after college *apologetically.* It is super weird. Never once have I though the college they were listing was a disappointment.

Once memorable time a colleague told me their kid was attending MY alma mater (which they obviously didn't realize) and immediately launched into an excuses-laden explanation for why their kid didn't wind up at a more prestigious school. He isn't a good test taker and they didn't realize how ED works at some schools and on and on. I was like "That's great! I went there! It's a terrific school -- let me know if he has any questions about the campus or the town or anything. I'd love to help any way I can." And then the parent was immediately embarrassed about their VISIBLE embarrassment that their kid is going to the school I attended.

But guess why that colleague had no idea I'd attended that school for undergrad. Well it's because I went to a very prestigious graduate program where our employer recruited heavily and people in the office tended to know who went there. So this person assumed I'd be the sort to look down my nose at [the wonderful and high quality if not super well-respected in the DC area] state school her son is attending. When in reality I am living proof that prestige is not the most important thing about your college and does not actually determine where you wind up in life to the degree that many seem to think it doesm.

So please for your kid's sake and your own and just for the sanity of living in a non-shi**y world be proud of your kid and stop apologizing for what I'm sure will be a great college for him.

This happened to me in my neighborhood. But, to be honest, I felt judged when I first moved here and all the neighbors went to private school and Ivies or expensive, private SLACs. My parents couldn't afford it --so it was state school for me--even being at the very top of my class. Things have kind of turned out weird in that now I have the kids at Ivies and these people are upset their own kids didn't get legacy admission and now they are explaining to me. I am the last person that could care!