Boyfriend doesn’t provide emotional support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been together? How old are you? Do you envision this relationship ending in marriage?

We’ve been together a year. We are both dating with the hopes of marriage and no kids. We are late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

This is a problem, OP, and not the foundation that you'd want to try to build a long term relationship/marriage on. He's telling you flat out he's a taker and once you start layering years, kids, and just general life sh*t on top of that you likely be very lonely. Counseling might help, but he doesn't seem to realize there is anything wrong with taking and not giving emotionally in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

You have reasonable expectations of emotional support.

He has reasonable expectations of someone not being a negative emotionally needy person.

Both are reasonable. Sounds like you guys aren’t a good match longterm.

FWIW I have probably asked dh for a hug on a bad day like three times ever in 25 years. I’m just really low drama on the emotional side. He’s very high eq, but he also is sensitive and I bet if I was doing that once or twice a month, he would find it emotionally draining.

Also, I think the fact that your bf is having twice a week “bad days” that require back rubs or whatever is potentially a red flag. Either his job is objectively terrible, in which case he needs to find a new one. Or he just has very low bandwidth to deal with anything not awesome. The former I could deal with if I saw him on a path to fixing the problem. And also a very good excuse for why he also doesn’t want to have to be heavily emotionally available for you on a frequent basis. The latter would suck to be married to.

[Anonymous]

I see 2 potential issues here:

- He is unable to emotionally support you when things aren't going well.

- He expect this emotional support from you on a very frequent basis, even though he cannot return the favor.

For the first issue, this can work if you're ok with it AND can find the support elsewhere. Perhaps a family member or close friend. But if you stay with him, you will have to be sure to keep these other relationships up. A recipe for disaster would be marrying him, loosing close touch with your support network, and then when you REALLY need emotional support, no one is around.

For the second issue, it all depends on how you feel. Personally, I'm unwilling to go out of my way to do something knowing the person won't ever return the favor. Especially with the frequency that you are supporting him. And even if this feels fine to you now, it may not later as marriage-related stressors are added to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see 2 potential issues here:

- He is unable to emotionally support you when things aren't going well.

- He expect this emotional support from you on a very frequent basis, even though he cannot return the favor.

For the first issue, this can work if you're ok with it AND can find the support elsewhere. Perhaps a family member or close friend. But if you stay with him, you will have to be sure to keep these other relationships up. A recipe for disaster would be marrying him, loosing close touch with your support network, and then when you REALLY need emotional support, no one is around.

For the second issue, it all depends on how you feel. Personally, I'm unwilling to go out of my way to do something knowing the person won't ever return the favor. Especially with the frequency that you are supporting him. And even if this feels fine to you now, it may not later as marriage-related stressors are added to the relationship.

This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been together? How old are you? Do you envision this relationship ending in marriage?

We’ve been together a year. We are both dating with the hopes of marriage and no kids. We are late 30s.

Answer the other posted questions too OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question is too hard to answer.

In some ways you're just describing an incredibly common male - female dynamic.

I turn to my female friends when I need deep emotional support and that's fine with me. He will listen to me cry if I need to but doesn't say the right things so friends are better. But you might need more. It's too hard to say- personal decision.

Maybe I am just asking for too much. I do go to other loved ones mostly. But sometimes I was a hug or some other form of support from him.

If what he's offering isn't enough, he's not the right person for you. I rely on my female friends alot, but when I had a miscarriage I needed my husband to be supportive when I had a D&C, and to stay with me afterward. I love and lean on my female friends and close friends alot, but there are times when I need my husband. If there are times you need your boyfriend, and he doesn't offer any support during those times (and you've said the words "I could really use your support right now"), theres a possibility he's not the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am curious. How do men wanting such situationships approach women and propose this kind of arrangement? What was said to you by your BF that you agreed to become involved in a sexual relationship with no emotional support?

OP here. I wouldn’t say he gives no emotional support. He gives a lot of emotional support in terms of listening, being present, saying nice things, giving affection. It’s just that the emotional support is given when things are positive with me. If I have a bad day his support is limited. He claims it’s because he’s so empathic that he gets overwhelmed when I vent.

I assume he was the one that asked you out and hit on you

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be interested in such a one-sided emotional relationship but it doesn't really matter what I think. If it bothers you, then it bothers you. I wouldn't expect it to change, so either decide that you're ok with it and know that that's how it will be going forward or decide that you need more out of a marriage and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question is too hard to answer.

In some ways you're just describing an incredibly common male - female dynamic.

I turn to my female friends when I need deep emotional support and that's fine with me. He will listen to me cry if I need to but doesn't say the right things so friends are better. But you might need more. It's too hard to say- personal decision.

Maybe I am just asking for too much. I do go to other loved ones mostly. But sometimes I was a hug or some other form of support from him.

OP, there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. Just because someone else doesn't want it doesn't make them right. You need what you need and that's that. If he can't give it to you, then that's an issue. That someone else wouldn't be bothered is a moot point.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have married my husband if he treated me like this.

Clearly there are women on here that would be fine with that, leave this guy to them. There are plenty of men who want to hug and support you after a rough day. There are plenty of men who won't make you feel used. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel this way, you know it's not going to get better, if anything it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

This is a problem, OP, and not the foundation that you'd want to try to build a long term relationship/marriage on. He's telling you flat out he's a taker and once you start layering years, kids, and just general life sh*t on top of that you likely be very lonely. Counseling might help, but he doesn't seem to realize there is anything wrong with taking and not giving emotionally in a relationship.

+1

It is fine to acknowledge your own needs but this is over the top. He sounds very unappealing. I would move on.

[Anonymous]

I have tried to be emotionally supportive to my wife went to therapy for it. I am a better, but I am no where near what she needs. In general I am not a very emotional person.

[Anonymous]

As a married woman, I advise not pursuing the relationship with this guy, OP. Having kids with him would be a huge mistake.