Boyfriend doesn’t provide emotional support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

What do you mean “a good time”?

I feel like he’s there when I’m happy and things are light. but if something serious or not positive is going on that I need support on he’s not available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

What do you mean “a good time”?

I thought you meant you’re good in bed. Well… it sounds like you guys are constantly having rough times and needing some serious support… maybe there’s other problems besides lack of hugs.

I feel like he’s there when I’m happy and things are light. but if something serious or not positive is going on that I need support on he’s not available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

What do you mean “a good time”?

I thought you meant you’re good in bed. Well… it sounds like you guys are constantly having rough times and needing some serious support… maybe there’s other problems besides lack of hugs.

I feel like he’s there when I’m happy and things are light. but if something serious or not positive is going on that I need support on he’s not available.

I would not say we are constantly needing serious support. For him he needs support weekly. He has chronic stressors. for me it’s no big deal
To be there for him. I would like support monthly. It’s not usually something huge. just a bad day at work and I’d like to talk to him and get a back rub or something. I dunno I consider this stuff to be basic adulting, dealing with the ups and downs of life. Life is not rainbows and sunshine every minute, and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I tried discussing it with him once in the past. He said that he is sensitive and when I need to vent or get other ways of support it wears him down. it was kind of disappointing because he always happily accepts my support. Sometimes I feel used, like I’m only good for a good time.

What do you mean “a good time”?

I thought you meant you’re good in bed. Well… it sounds like you guys are constantly having rough times and needing some serious support… maybe there’s other problems besides lack of hugs.

I feel like he’s there when I’m happy and things are light. but if something serious or not positive is going on that I need support on he’s not available.

I would not say we are constantly needing serious support. For him he needs support weekly. He has chronic stressors. for me it’s no big deal
To be there for him. I would like support monthly. It’s not usually something huge. just a bad day at work and I’d like to talk to him and get a back rub or something. I dunno I consider this stuff to be basic adulting, dealing with the ups and downs of life. Life is not rainbows and sunshine every minute, and that’s ok.

Back rubs are seriously irritating to give, why don’t you just go to get a good massage or do a stretch workout?

[Anonymous]

The main issue, that PPs are glossing over is his resentment, and the fact that he “can’t deal” - we’re not talking about the string, silent type. Plus you’ve only brought this up to him *once* (and you probably wouldn’t dare mention the inequity) which means your communication as a couple is no good.

Life is simple now, without kids or sharing a household, but there will be ups and downs and this will get old. He’s “sensitive?” GMAFB. This would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. It’s a terrible foundation for a life together.

[Anonymous]

*strong silent type ^

[Anonymous]

This is something you need to talk to him about. DH isn't a worrier, at all. To the point that when he does get worried, I know something is really wrong. He used to think that the way to handle my worries (I can sometimes spiral into worse case scenarios) was to just try to get me to think like him. That it will work out and we will deal with things as they come and there was no point to stress. I told him it didn't help me when I was feeling anxious even though what he said made sense.

So now he will ask...is this a "you need to vent?" "you need my advice?" or "you want me to get your mind off of it?" And it has helped immensely.

I will say, while his hugs calm me and offer me a ton of support, there is a lot more that goes into it. When I'm stressed at work, he picks up things like cooking dinners (which we normally split) so I don't have to worry about it. He makes sure I get solo time and will often encourage me to do things for myself. He will pick up coffee for me or grab me my favorite snack when he's out because he knows it will make me happy.

So 1. Talk to him because he may need help knowing what you want and 2. Look to see if there are other things he does to support you that you may not realize.

[Anonymous]

To me you both sound super needy and in need to develop some self-soothing mechanisms. I'd not like my partner to expect me to back-rub monthly or listen to their cry-stories (weekly is no way!). As you say, one needs to adult and this means dealing with your problems in your head and finding your own solutions, not crying out loud all the time. Not sure how old you both are, but this all sounds like too much drama. I cannot imagine having issues monthly, much less weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me you both sound super needy and in need to develop some self-soothing mechanisms. I'd not like my partner to expect me to back-rub monthly or listen to their cry-stories (weekly is no way!). As you say, one needs to adult and this means dealing with your problems in your head and finding your own solutions, not crying out loud all the time. Not sure how old you both are, but this all sounds like too much drama. I cannot imagine having issues monthly, much less weekly.

If you don’t have a bad day once a month, you’re living a great life. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy like this, he was extremely emotionally needy and immature yet thought he was stoic and rational. I broke up with him and married a guy with a high EQ who is very supportive but also non emotional needy and it is so much better.

Most men are socialized to expect women to be more emotionally supportive and caretaking. You have to keep hunting for a guy who doesn’t expect it as a default part of womanhood.

[Anonymous]

You are both very needy with the bad days and needing support. How old are you? Personally, I only want a hug when someone has died vs a bad day at work.

[Anonymous]

You are really trying to pathologize OP’s preference or need for a hug from her partner once a month when she’s had a bad day? That’s pretty ridiculous. OP, I’m afraid you are getting some useless advice here. It’s perfectly reasonable to want physical touch once in a while, geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend is a good guy. There’s a lot I enjoy about our relationship. He’s funny, we have good sex, and a fair amount in common. An area where he disappoints is emotional support.

When he’s having a bad day, which is often because he hates his job…I’m there for him. I listen, offer advice, just let him vent if he wants, give physical affection, try and take his mind off things. When I have a bad day, he is a terrible shoulder to lean on. I come to him much less than he comes to me. I may need support once a month, where as he does multiple times a week.

When I come to him he may listen a little but resents it. She doesn’t offer affection, doesn’t offer to come be with me in person.

How bad of a problem is this? Do you need this from a spouse?

Do not make this person a spouse unless you want a life of loneliness and despair with this person. You can do better. Don’t expect or wait for them to change.

[Anonymous]

You are dating a vampire. He drains your emotional support without providing you with any.