Everything I do is “spoiling” according to my mother

[Anonymous]

Tell her less information. That is the solution. The less information she has, the less she can judge. Follow me for more tips on boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a change in behavior it could herald cognitive decline.

Also, it's a fact that people get crankier as they get elderly. Especially women. Most become insufferable. The exceptions are the sweet little Betty White types. The rest are terrors.

It’s horrible and makes me not even want to talk to her!

I would actually spend less time in person and keep calls more impersonal. Don't share details she will turn back on you. Just let it go to vm or say, you will call later. No explanation.

[Anonymous]

My gut feeling is you and your mom are too emmeshed. Do you really need to give her all the details about the shorts you're buying your kid? And picking up her call at an inconvenient time just to tell her you can't talk? I think you're both very into each other's business and here you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gut feeling is you and your mom are too emmeshed. Do you really need to give her all the details about the shorts you're buying your kid? And picking up her call at an inconvenient time just to tell her you can't talk? I think you're both very into each other's business and here you are.

For the THIRD time. We were shopping together on Mother’s Day. What was I supposed to do, tell her to go sit in the car?

But you are all right, share less info, that’s the only way. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are these kids they they can only sleep in pure silence but wear $30 shorts?

You raise a good point. Wonder if OP will answer. It sounds like she's talking about toddlers but then the shorts thing makes you wonder.

Way to derail things. Imagine having kids different ages! I have a tween, and school aged kids (8, 6)

I was buying my tween clothes and getting my youngest kid(s), but mainly my 6yo, to bed early. Sheesh.

You seem … difficult.

+1

I’m not sure if spoiled is the right word but it sure does sound like you bend over backwards to make things “just so” for your children. Borderline unhealthy, especially with the silence requirement in the house because a six-year-old needs a few extra minutes of sleep.

DP and disagree. You put your kids needs as a priority and sleep is super important especially at that age. I would do the same exact thing.

If your 6 year old needs complete silence to sleep then you’re doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gut feeling is you and your mom are too emmeshed. Do you really need to give her all the details about the shorts you're buying your kid? And picking up her call at an inconvenient time just to tell her you can't talk? I think you're both very into each other's business and here you are.

For the THIRD time. We were shopping together on Mother’s Day. What was I supposed to do, tell her to go sit in the car?

But you are all right, share less info, that’s the only way. Thanks!

I’m sure this is not the first time your mom has made comments while shopping. So you know that it’s not going to be a pleasant experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gut feeling is you and your mom are too emmeshed. Do you really need to give her all the details about the shorts you're buying your kid? And picking up her call at an inconvenient time just to tell her you can't talk? I think you're both very into each other's business and here you are.

For the THIRD time. We were shopping together on Mother’s Day. What was I supposed to do, tell her to go sit in the car?

But you are all right, share less info, that’s the only way. Thanks!

I am close with my mother, she lives 15 minutes away, and in the last 20 years she's never gone clothing shopping with me (for me or my kids). Now, we are not big shoppers, so I realize this is an activity that many many other moms/daughters do together, but it is not a requirement. But if she is this hyper critical of your choices (and your daughter's) then YES STOP SHOPPING TOGETHER. You can certainly still spend time with her, but if you have to purchase things, do not do that with her.

If it's something you guys do regularly, just push it out to happen less and less. Or just focus on what your mother needs while you are out, or only on necessities and not "fun" shopping. Otherwise you need to practice pushing back firmly when she is critical. A direct "mom, quit it with the spoiling comments please" and then smile and move on.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice but I can tell you that its no less annoying coming from the other side when your mother is the one who insists on spoiling them. My mother cannot say no to my kids no matter what they ask for. A new toy a week before Christmas--sure. Let's just add it to the 15 gifts she already has wrapped and waiting on Christmas morning. Doesn't matter what it is, she will find a way to get it for my kids even when I specifically ask her not to. Or, if she does say no, she will make me the bad guy "well, I would have bought it for you but mom said no". Thanks mom!

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I didn't ask for your opinion. Please don't give it if I don't ask."

If a lot of these interactions are happening on the phone, reevaluate how much you are telling her. You can't just ramble-on about every detail of your day and not think she won't add something to the conversation. No one can listen for a long time and always agree. Make sure you're not confusing her with a best girl friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her less information. That is the solution. The less information she has, the less she can judge. Follow me for more tips on boundaries.

+1. She sounds too enmeshed with you. Neither my parents nor my in-laws know what we spend on kids clothing. And I’m sure at times they commented on bed times (our kids went to bed at 6:45 for many many years) they were ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The not talking to her after they were in bed was ridiculous. You have the right to do that, but it was an absurd “excuse.”

The shorts, I would rather buy the ones I know my kids finds comfortable.

Yeah seems a little weird to me to demand total silence. But I totally get having a late night and wanting a quiet, early night the next day, and NOT wanted to talk to my mom. I think your framing made it weird, but it isn't "spoiling".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on your side about the shorts, but you sound totally crazy with the silence. There is no reason you can’t talk in a room not near your kids, or even step outside if you have a spouse. If you don’t want to talk then just say, Mom I’m tired I need an early bedtime.

Or better yet, don't answer the phone! No need to answer to tell someone you can't talk - you say the same thing by not answering.

I think you're a bit crazy about the silence unless you live in a one-room hut. The shorts, whatever, but the price was 50% more (even though $10 isn't much), so I don't think you sound crazy but with the phone call thing it makes me wonder if your mom is just tired of all your excuses.

[Anonymous]

I live in a small, older house and my kids are home from college. I get calls at 9am that I’m not picking up because they are still asleep and I want them to rest. I have a loud voice and there’s nowhere I can really go where I won’t be heard. The key here isn’t that OP is respecting her kids’ sleep needs but that she is answering the phone in the first place. It’s all about management of the situation. I’m going on a short, solo vacation later this summer that I don’t want my parents to know about mostly because they may try to tag along. All I need to do is not post on social media and no way for them to know! I get to do what I want and their feelings don’t get hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, I didn't ask for your opinion. Please don't give it if I don't ask."

If a lot of these interactions are happening on the phone, reevaluate how much you are telling her. You can't just ramble-on about every detail of your day and not think she won't add something to the conversation. No one can listen for a long time and always agree. Make sure you're not confusing her with a best girl friend.

So it’s ok for a “best girl friend” to give her opinion, but not a mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My gut feeling is you and your mom are too emmeshed. Do you really need to give her all the details about the shorts you're buying your kid? And picking up her call at an inconvenient time just to tell her you can't talk? I think you're both very into each other's business and here you are.

For the THIRD time. We were shopping together on Mother’s Day. What was I supposed to do, tell her to go sit in the car?



But you are all right, share less info, that’s the only way. Thanks!

You never answered the “total silence” question. Does the house have to be completely silent for your kid to sleep?
I know someone else who does that but it is overkill.