13yo sleepover without meeting the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughters are 16 & 17 so maybe I just don't remember, but this seems really weird to me. Until what age do you all continue to need to contact the other parents?

Until they leave my house at 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

OP here. I don’t think it matters but I put it out there because I assumed someone would want all the facts. You know DCUM.

Thanks for your reply!

It's not in any way relevant to the question you posed, though. It was a strange thing to mention.

DP. In every single DCUM sleepover thread, someone will inevitably come in and cite sexual assault by older brothers as a reason not to do them.

Seriously, this. There is always some older brother watching p*rn in the next room on every sleepover thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside creepiness or any concerns about abuse, the very least is saying hi and thank you for hosting my kid tonight. But we now live in a society where there are no manners or even normal social interactions.

OP here. I fully intend on texting her today. This sleepover was sprung on me this AM and like I said, she’s already going home with the mom/girls. I had already intended on thanking her for that, but now I’ll thank her for the sleepover, too. I’m working and won’t have a chance to meet her beforehand now, and won’t meet her tomorrow (she has offered to drop off DD in the afternoon when they wake) but I will make it a point to meet her soon.

I might offer to drop off her toothbrush and pajamas or whatever when you get off of work, just to meet them and check it out briefly.

[Anonymous]

This would be a no go for me. Just imagine, your daughter goes missing and you can’t even describe how the mother looks physically because you never met her. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me,

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

How do you casually work this series of questions into the conversation
Do you own a gun?
Is your husband on the sex offenders list?
Any creepy uncles or other house guests?

"Thank you so much, this is so nice of you. I hope it's ok, just for my peace of mind- who will be home? where will the girls be sleeping? do you have any pets? Just wanted to check with you also- alcohol, weapons?" If you get a vibe you can throw in a comment like "Sorry don't mean to be over the top, but I've heard of some incidents" or whatever.

Also speak to your DD and tell her how to be smart and aware and safe.

And you don't have to be casual. These are fair questions. You don't have to be rude, it's just a conversation.

NP here. My kids are elementary age so we’ve only done a handful of sleepovers with 2 families that we know well (like emergency contact level of closeness).

I am anxious about the day my kids start having play dates/sleepovers with kids I don’t know as well and I would find it so comforting to have another parent ask me this stuff. I really wish we could normalize asking this before kids hang out without worrying about being “weirdos.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me,

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

How do you casually work this series of questions into the conversation
Do you own a gun?
Is your husband on the sex offenders list?
Any creepy uncles or other house guests?

"Thank you so much, this is so nice of you. I hope it's ok, just for my peace of mind- who will be home? where will the girls be sleeping? do you have any pets? Just wanted to check with you also- alcohol, weapons?" If you get a vibe you can throw in a comment like "Sorry don't mean to be over the top, but I've heard of some incidents" or whatever.

Also speak to your DD and tell her how to be smart and aware and safe.

And you don't have to be casual. These are fair questions. You don't have to be rude, it's just a conversation.

I've never understood the point of asking these questions. The parents you need to worry about wouldn't ever admit to having alcohol out for the kids to sneak or guns that weren't properly stored. They're not hooked up to a lie detector. It makes you feel better to ask, but doesn't change the underlying safety risk at all.

It’s not full proof and of course people can lie, but it at least gives you some sort of baseline. There’s likely a different vibe from a parent lying (and probably defensive/giving a basic “no” as an answer) vs a parent who comes off as really forthcoming. E.g. someone who says “We do have a firearm in the home because my spouse is a LEO and we make sure to lock it up in a biometric safe” or an empathic “no, we are not a gun household” who seems open to questions is going to give me a better feeling than someone who is vague, seems put off by my questions, etc. It’s not perfect, but it’s helpful to know if this is a parent whose style you click with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

No

Why in The world would you. We teach kids stranger danger and then you shove them over night to a place you have never been.

And no one say I’m nuts my kids led very free lives metro by themselves buses freedom on bikes no sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Yes- you can call mom rather than text if you have additional worries.

[Anonymous]

No. And I have boys. Still no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughters are 16 & 17 so maybe I just don't remember, but this seems really weird to me. Until what age do you all continue to need to contact the other parents?

Until they leave my house at 18

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

Brothers, particularly older brothers, are all sexual deviants/molesters, didn't you know? I hate this attitude. I have an older boy/younger girl. Not one of DD's friends has ever not been able to sleep at our house after being invited, but in 7th grade (FCPS, so first year of MS), she is still primarily friends with kids from ES and they all at least kind of know our family and my son. Just waiting for the day when it becomes an issue.

I have a boy who is 7 years older than my DD. She is still young now, but this has crossed my mind as a concern for when she is a bit older and has a teen brother in the home. It sucks that the world works this way, but I also sort of get it if that gives families pause. Especially since in my experience there can be a disconnect in families where family A’s youngest is the same age as family B’s oldest because they may be in different stages of life and if you’ve only ever had young kids then having a teen could seem like a gamble.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

DP but it came out many years later that a friend's brother was molesting his sister's friend at sleepovers. My parents did not allow me to do sleepovers, thank god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

Not knowing the parents is not just a “mundane activity”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of parents here in this thread should be less worried about the what ifs at a sleepover, and more worried about the anxiety disorder they are likely giving their children by treating every mundane activity like a potential death trap.

My child will have anxiety because I don’t let her sleep over at a strangers house?!?