13yo sleepover without meeting the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me, dog.

Speaking of dogs, I was just thinking about this incident a couple of years ago where my friend was hosting a playdate, and her DD's friend got bit by their dog. I can't remember if stiches were involved, but there was definite bleeding. My other friends and I were rolling our eyes when we heard this-- because our friend and her DH can be way too laidback about things like this, and they don't understand that not everyone is. I am sure the girl's parents were furious and thought (erroneously) that if being bit was in the realm of possibility, the dog would be nowhere near their daughter. Nope.

Now these girls were still in elementary- but it speaks to the fact that parents have different values and judgment.

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

So you would not allow sleepovers anywhere that there is a dog? You could stick your hand in my dog's mouth and she would not bite you. Almost every single person I know has a super friendly dog. The few friends that have dogs that are not 100% trustworthy around people are handled appropriately. What about mean cats?

Holy moly. Dude. I am talking about a case where these people HAD A DOG THAT WAS NOT 100% TRUSTWORTHY AND WAS NOT HANDLED APPROPRIATELY.

Happy for your few friends who do so but the whole point is not everyone does. Including my idiot friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me, dog.

Speaking of dogs, I was just thinking about this incident a couple of years ago where my friend was hosting a playdate, and her DD's friend got bit by their dog. I can't remember if stiches were involved, but there was definite bleeding. My other friends and I were rolling our eyes when we heard this-- because our friend and her DH can be way too laidback about things like this, and they don't understand that not everyone is. I am sure the girl's parents were furious and thought (erroneously) that if being bit was in the realm of possibility, the dog would be nowhere near their daughter. Nope.

Now these girls were still in elementary- but it speaks to the fact that parents have different values and judgment.

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

So you would not allow sleepovers anywhere that there is a dog? You could stick your hand in my dog's mouth and she would not bite you. Almost every single person I know has a super friendly dog. The few friends that have dogs that are not 100% trustworthy around people are handled appropriately. What about mean cats?

Haha I have never heard of a cat biting someone needing stitches and if they did, it’s probably your fault. My daughter was bitten by a dog at a friends house and of course the owners said she is the sweetest dog and she’s never done that before. My DD was 6 and would never go near a big dog like that on her own. So yes, a big dog is a concern at a sleepover and I would expect the owner to keep it away.

[Anonymous]

Mom could sexually abuse girls too.

But probably won't get then pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me, dog.

Speaking of dogs, I was just thinking about this incident a couple of years ago where my friend was hosting a playdate, and her DD's friend got bit by their dog. I can't remember if stiches were involved, but there was definite bleeding. My other friends and I were rolling our eyes when we heard this-- because our friend and her DH can be way too laidback about things like this, and they don't understand that not everyone is. I am sure the girl's parents were furious and thought (erroneously) that if being bit was in the realm of possibility, the dog would be nowhere near their daughter. Nope.

Now these girls were still in elementary- but it speaks to the fact that parents have different values and judgment.

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

So you would not allow sleepovers anywhere that there is a dog? You could stick your hand in my dog's mouth and she would not bite you. Almost every single person I know has a super friendly dog. The few friends that have dogs that are not 100% trustworthy around people are handled appropriately. What about mean cats?

Haha I have never heard of a cat biting someone needing stitches and if they did, it’s probably your fault. My daughter was bitten by a dog at a friends house and of course the owners said she is the sweetest dog and she’s never done that before. My DD was 6 and would never go near a big dog like that on her own. So yes, a big dog is a concern at a sleepover and I would expect the owner to keep it away.

Yes, exactly. This is the point of those conversations some of you are too terrified to have.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a no from me,

I understand everything will probably be fine OP- but go ahead and call the mom. Speak to her. I hate talking on the phone myself, but you have to got to elevate this beyond text.

How do you casually work this series of questions into the conversation
Do you own a gun?
Is your husband on the sex offenders list?
Any creepy uncles or other house guests?

"Thank you so much, this is so nice of you. I hope it's ok, just for my peace of mind- who will be home? where will the girls be sleeping? do you have any pets? Just wanted to check with you also- alcohol, weapons?" If you get a vibe you can throw in a comment like "Sorry don't mean to be over the top, but I've heard of some incidents" or whatever.

Also speak to your DD and tell her how to be smart and aware and safe.

And you don't have to be casual. These are fair questions. You don't have to be rude, it's just a conversation.

I've never understood the point of asking these questions. The parents you need to worry about wouldn't ever admit to having alcohol out for the kids to sneak or guns that weren't properly stored. They're not hooked up to a lie detector. It makes you feel better to ask, but doesn't change the underlying safety risk at all.

I go back and forth on this. It's true the most irresponsible parents will lie, but honestly, the worst of these probably wouldn't even take your call at all. Some will talk to you but just roll their eyes and tell you it's all fine. And others will get offended.

Still, the alcohol question can be helpful since many "good" middle school parents of "good" kids forget that when tweens and teens get together and are in the giddy atmosphere of a sleepover, judgement flies out the window and risk taking increases. All it takes is one kid to say "hey, where do your parents keep alcohol?" And even if they others don't want to drink they may not be brave enough in the moment to be the kid to say "hey guys, that's not cool."

Asking the question might make the parent think about making alcohol less accessible, even if they believe their kid "would never do that."

[Anonymous]

I'd be more concerned about the dad or any other adults being in the home as well as any guns in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more concerned about the dad or any other adults being in the home as well as any guns in the house.

I think middle school girls are far more likely to get into trouble with cell phones than with a gun.

13 year old girls loose on the Internet can end up seeing some incredibly messed up things that can scar them or end up posting things that will haunt them or their friends for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

Brothers, particularly older brothers, are all sexual deviants/molesters, didn't you know? I hate this attitude. I have an older boy/younger girl. Not one of DD's friends has ever not been able to sleep at our house after being invited, but in 7th grade (FCPS, so first year of MS), she is still primarily friends with kids from ES and they all at least kind of know our family and my son. Just waiting for the day when it becomes an issue.

[Anonymous]

I agree that I would prefer to meet the parents first but texting with the mother will likely be fine. If it were my child, I would give her the option of bailing if she feels uncomfortable for any reason. Go over your expectations. My 6th grader thinks I am nuts because I always go through the litany of things that, statistically speaking, may happen before she finishes middle school, ie she will be offered alcohol, drugs, vapes etc at a gathering. While not as likely if you have vetted the family and child, emphasize safety first and no questions asked until your child arrives at home. Let her know she can call or text on her own device (if she has one) or go speak to the parent to get a device if she wants to come home. Show your child you trust her to use good judgment and you may be surprised.

Middle school girls most likey will do these types of dumb things --selfies posted on social media, chatting with boys from school, prank calls etc. Painting nails and gossip also may happen but, yes, I do know older middle schoolers especially get into things.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would be less concerned about the parents for now, but rather that this is a new-ish friendship. Has your daughter been over her house multiple times? Does your daughter know her parents at all? Does this friend identify as gay/bi (a lot of middle school girls do). I wouldn’t want my teen spending the night with a friend she doesn’t know very well, or hasn’t met the parents, or has not spent much time at their house

[Anonymous]

My daughters are 16 & 17 so maybe I just don't remember, but this seems really weird to me. Until what age do you all continue to need to contact the other parents?

[Anonymous]

Uh, heck no. I have to meet the parent first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD13 doesn’t have school tomorrow and is going home today with a new-ish friend and a couple other friends. They are going to see a movie. This morning DD asks if she can spend the night, that a sleepover has suddenly been planned and all of the girls are sleeping over. The mom is ok with it. No brothers in the house. Mom will be home the entire time. I’ve never met the mom in person, but I’ll shoot her a text. Would you be comfortable with this? They live about a mile away.

Yes, this is the how it works at this age.

How is "no brothers in the house" relevant to anything?

Disagree that this is how it works at this age because I have a kid the same age and yes brother in the house has a factor and no I would not be OK with any of this and my daughter is the same age.
absolutely not. No way unless I know the parents well

[Anonymous]

No