MIL announced she is filing for divorce

[Anonymous]

Did I ask you to write my post for me, Mommie Dearest?

[Anonymous]

At this point, I actually don’t care what MIL does. And I won’t encourage spouse to call her on holidays or her birthday anymore. She’s not my problem. Thanks for the perspective, critical PP. cheaper than talking to a therapist and just as effective…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On Mother’s Day. Spouse called to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she greeted him with this announcement. She and her husband (who is not spouse’s father) have been married for 25 years. The reason she gave is that she wants to move in with spouse’s brother and his family and stepfather wants his own house.

Just venting. Stepfather is 80 years old and has cancer in remission but a lot of mobility issues from his latest round of chemotherapy.

Spouse did express concern for his well being but MIL just said she doesn’t want to be a caregiver yet. She’s 11 years younger than stepfather.

I don’t get it. Why would she immediately want to move in with another adult man and “his family”?

Is that a joke?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll bet your BIL is happy to hear this.

Yeah. What the heck.

I heard of gray divorcing to get more independence, less people’s krap to clean up, and getting away from snoring rude old guys but she seems to be doubling down on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL does have young children and relies on his in laws for daycare. We have never relied on them for daycare or financial support. As a result there is always a lot we don’t know.

What a mess.

gTFO of their mess. Don’t spend any time, money or mind power on them. Total mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL does have young children and relies on his in laws for daycare. We have never relied on them for daycare or financial support. As a result there is always a lot we don’t know.

No. You don’t know what is going on because of piss poor communication. Not because you don’t need a set of grandparents for daycare or money.

Is this another outlandish Troll post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL does have young children and relies on his in laws for daycare. We have never relied on them for daycare or financial support. As a result there is always a lot we don’t know.

No. You don’t know what is going on because of piss poor communication. Not because you don’t need a set of grandparents for daycare or money.

Is this another outlandish Troll post?

No, it’s not.

It’s because MIL seeks transactional relationships. When we stopped offering to pay for her meals out and hotels, she dropped the rope.

I have encouraged DH to call her on holidays and we have visited her at her home for a few hours at a time since this happened but that’s it.

I am thinking I should stop doing that now and let them all talk. Her mess is not something I can help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL does have young children and relies on his in laws for daycare. We have never relied on them for daycare or financial support. As a result there is always a lot we don’t know.

No. You don’t know what is going on because of piss poor communication. Not because you don’t need a set of grandparents for daycare or money.

Is this another outlandish Troll post?

No, it’s not.

It’s because MIL seeks transactional relationships. When we stopped offering to pay for her meals out and hotels, she dropped the rope.

I have encouraged DH to call her on holidays and we have visited her at her home for a few hours at a time since this happened but that’s it.

I am thinking I should stop doing that now and let them all talk. Her mess is not something I can help with.

So yes she has piss poor communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you care about stepfather? Let his family deal with it. Not your problem.

OP said they have a good relationship with the stepfather. The fact that you, PP, can't even imagine that someone might actually care about a stepparent (whom OP says they've known for 25 years) is sad. You need an empathy transplant. Your own family might choose not to "deal with it" when YOU need help someday.

As hard as this might be to believe, I actually do care about SFIL. I’ve known them both for almost two decades. Even through he can handle his own care, I think it’s sad that he’s being abandoned by the people closest to him when he needs them the most.

I’m always happy to offer my ILs practical help. Not financial but practical.

She has asked you for nothing and has a plan to move in with other family. Stop borrowing trouble.

Are you squatting at your adult offspring’s house, too, PP?

I can’t avoid “borrowing trouble”. I actually care about my spouse. And if that word bothers you? Well, that’s a personal problem.

It has nothing to do with you if MIL lives with her other adult child. If they don't want her or need your husband to help with caregiving or costs that is one thing, but still not your business.

My MIL had an unexpected surgery when my husband and I lived overseas. My husband had a major work emergency that no one else could cover so I flew back to the US to help her! Even though her daughter, husband, and kids live 5 minutes from my in-laws and also use them for free babysitting, I was the one to take care of her for the first week back from the hospital. My FIL was leaving a few days after surgery on a weekend golf trip and was useless when it came to caregiving... don't ask. My MIL have not really had a great relationship, but she is my husband's mother and my children's grandmother! I don't know but that is what you do for family. I hope you never have an emergency and need help! And poor SFIL, hope he moves into assisted living or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On Mother’s Day. Spouse called to wish her a happy Mother’s Day and she greeted him with this announcement. She and her husband (who is not spouse’s father) have been married for 25 years. The reason she gave is that she wants to move in with spouse’s brother and his family and stepfather wants his own house.

Just venting. Stepfather is 80 years old and has cancer in remission but a lot of mobility issues from his latest round of chemotherapy.

Spouse did express concern for his well being but MIL just said she doesn’t want to be a caregiver yet. She’s 11 years younger than stepfather.

She wants to move in to her spouse’s brother’s house (ie her BiL)?

Or she wants to move in to your spouse’s brother’s house (ie her son)?

This is so ESOL poor writing, why do you keep changing tenses and pronoun use?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t feel to sorry for your husband’s step-father. Anyone who hasn’t talked to their own kids in decades isn’t as great as they seem.

Did you ever find out what your husband’s brother thinks about mom moving in?

[Anonymous]

This happened to a couple I know, but the opposite. Husband with cancer demanded his wife leave him. So he lived without her fir the last 2 years of his life. People do weird things when it comes to cancer.

[Anonymous]

If MIL is constantly concerned about money why is she divorcing? Divorce is expensive and for people like MIL (who are apparently always struggling enough to constantly be asking her children doe money) she will end up on much worse financial footing. BIL is insane if he's having her move in. MIL will never leave and his marriage will likely be strained into divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If MIL is constantly concerned about money why is she divorcing? Divorce is expensive and for people like MIL (who are apparently always struggling enough to constantly be asking her children doe money) she will end up on much worse financial footing. BIL is insane if he's having her move in. MIL will never leave and his marriage will likely be strained into divorce.

OP again- without providing further background explanation, PP, you hit my concern’s nail on the head. My spouse and his brother have a good relationship (as far as we can tell). His brother (who is married and has children of his own) just purchased a single family home (4 bed, 3 bath) in 2023. That is where MIL announced she is moving when my spouse called to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. He plans to call his brother to ask for his side of the story on the weekend. Something doesn’t add up here.

He and his wife lived with MIL and SFIL for a few years while they saved up for a down payment but this was over a decade ago. They then sold that house and used the proceeds to buy their new home.

MIL has been asking us to buy a larger house for the last ten years or so. She harps on this every time we see her. We live in a HCOL area so we have a smaller house than BIL (3 bed 2 bath). She told us she wanted this so she wouldn’t have to stay in a hotel when she visited. We had no idea she was planning to move in with either of her adult sons. BIL just beat us to the bigger house acquisition so we suspect that’s why she said that she’s moving in with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If MIL is constantly concerned about money why is she divorcing? Divorce is expensive and for people like MIL (who are apparently always struggling enough to constantly be asking her children doe money) she will end up on much worse financial footing. BIL is insane if he's having her move in. MIL will never leave and his marriage will likely be strained into divorce.

OP again- without providing further background explanation, PP, you hit my concern’s nail on the head. My spouse and his brother have a good relationship (as far as we can tell). His brother (who is married and has children of his own) just purchased a single family home (4 bed, 3 bath) in 2023. That is where MIL announced she is moving when my spouse called to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. He plans to call his brother to ask for his side of the story on the weekend. Something doesn’t add up here.

He and his wife lived with MIL and SFIL for a few years while they saved up for a down payment but this was over a decade ago. They then sold that house and used the proceeds to buy their new home.

MIL has been asking us to buy a larger house for the last ten years or so. She harps on this every time we see her. We live in a HCOL area so we have a smaller house than BIL (3 bed 2 bath). She told us she wanted this so she wouldn’t have to stay in a hotel when she visited. We had no idea she was planning to move in with either of her adult sons. BIL just beat us to the bigger house acquisition so we suspect that’s why she said that she’s moving in with him.

What you don't seem to be understanding is that she can't just move in without his permission. This man is not your "spouse", this isn't your house, nobody is asking you for anything, butt out.