older teen (18) sexually active

[Anonymous]

Just turned 18 and in high school is an adult in word only.

You should still help them grow up and guide them.

My parents gave me good advice my entire life. Don’t stop just because of a birthday.

[Anonymous]

I'm team No Need to Share with DH.

And I say this as someone who contracted genital herpes as a young adult. This stuff happens. But I do agree with not broadcasting the information to friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is her story to tell OP not yours.
She confided in you. Do not blow this.

Well OP already blasted this on the internet. Unbelievable

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what I would do if it were my kid but at this point there is nothing about my kids that I’ve withheld from my spouse. My only point is that I can see why you are asking if up to this point you’ve always discussed your kids and nothing this personal has come up before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this in tweens? Shouldn't this be in Adult Children, because she's y'know, an adult?

Please don't tell other people her personal medical issues. If she wants to tell him, she can. She didn't need to tell you, don't make her regret it by spreading it around.

I thought about putting it in adult children, but this is Tweens AND Teens, and I carefully labeled it as older teen (18) in the subject line. And she lives at home, so it didn't seem quite right for adult children.

Thanks all, good advice. The other thing I did say was while this is easily handled there are other things that aren't and she interrupted me, "I know! I'm being careful!"

I am a very private person; she is not. I do agree if she wants to tell her dad she can, and I think I'll leave it at that. She's already told 6 of her friends.
I did tell her this morning she might want to consider discretion - not being shamed, or hiding, but just keeping her private business private.

I hear you OP. Plus this is an anon forum. It’s a safe-space to share thoughts and discuss.

I also grew up in the early AIDS era; it was so sad and tragic when HIV was a literal death sentence (remember the quilt?). Thank God for the cocktail!

Anywho, I also remember we all learned about Safe Sex, but then most of us changed to calling it “safer sex”. Condoms can and do break; even intact condoms can’t always stop herpes transmission if the partner has an active outbreak.

Please reinforce safer sex with your daughter; a good quality condom is required every time (for every use; never re-use). And for oral. Flavored condoms are everywhere and they are specifically made for oral (and should be used).

Don’t be afraid to buy them for her; don’t let “we didn’t have any” ever be an excuse.

Also,

[Anonymous]

darn - hit reply too soon;

Also, has she informed the boy yet? I mean, he probably knows. But still, it’s important to do the right thing here. He needs to be informed and to get treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t share this with my husband. She can tell him if she wants to.

+1 especially if the DD asked to not tell him.

There are a few things that my 15 yr old DD has asked me not to tell DH, and I haven't. If it was a safety issue, I would, and DD knows that. But, sexual activity at 18 is not something you want to share with the dad.

I know my 18 yr old DS has been sexually active since 17 because I found a (new) condom in the basement where he was hanging out recently. I did tell DH, but only because I wanted to make sure it wasn't his first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the kind of thing I'd tell my husband, but he's pretty mellow and would just be like "Okay, we need to hug her, then go over what medications she's supposed to take and remind her to finish the course even if she feels better, we need to tell her to tell the boy to get checked, etc."

Yes, OP, she should definitely stop telling her friends.

Same here. My husband and I tell each other everything parenting wise unless a kid specifically asks us not to. So since she doesn’t care I would tell. But he wouldn’t over react.

Another one here. But my DDs are very open with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm glad I posted here because it literally did not occur to me that she did not practice safe sex and use a condom in addition to her birth control. The thought never even crossed my mind. Genuinely thought that was such a part of the discourse it was standard practice. I grew up in the AIDS era, had a relative die from AIDS, condom usage was non negotiable in my dating days.

I am naive. I guess I thought the foreplay would be enough to result in STI.

So I said to her, wait, you told me you were being safe, are you saying you did not use a condom? And she said "I am being safe! But I just wanted to so much we just went ahead." OMG. She has always had impulse control issues (documented in her neuropsych / 504 plan) and now I am just stunned at her poor decision making, though I shouldn't be. I had a lot to say about ALWAYS using a condom, taking control of her body and her choices, how LUCKY she was that it was something easily caught and resolved.

So thank you to the person who pointed out it was unlikely a condom was used.

Good for you. And remember that kids with ADHD / impulse control challenges can be about three years behind their peers in social-emotional maturity, even if their hormones are right on time. That means more intense parenting for longer than average and clearer instructions. With impulse control she might need to practice scripts for how to handle heavy situations.

[Anonymous]

Also make sure she tells the partner who will need to get tested and tell all their partners.

[Anonymous]

She is an adult. You should NOT tell your husband/her dad. Not his business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult. You should NOT tell your husband/her dad. Not his business.

Would you give the same advice to man to keep secrets from his wife about her daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult. You should NOT tell your husband/her dad. Not his business.

Would you give the same advice to man to keep secrets from his wife about her daughter?

In this case yes.

It is none of his business.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't share unless you feel you need his help to manage the situation. But it sounds like you managed just fine.

[Anonymous]

The lesson: condoms.