DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Maybe this is something inside of you wanting to do more, even if not for the money but for the challenge? Why not pursue something you can feel good about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

I'm not religious but DH and I definitely see our marriage as a team effort. We pick up slack for each other, sometimes review each other's resumes/cover letters/work when it could be useful or appropriate, and try to represent each other well in our respective professional spheres. I think OP's DH is not just being politic when he says she should consider his success her own - I WOH but the few *extremely* successful men I know have SAH wives and it's not a coincidence, it's a necessary precondition. They know it when they talk their wives into mommy tracking or leaving the work force, and should continue to acknowledge it when it pays off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

I'm a woman and in my experience women are more "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". You might feel like her successes are yours (like OP's husband says) but is she as eager to attribute her success to you? That's not my experience when speaking with girl friends.

DP. This is interesting. I am the breadwinner, and at times have been the sole breadwinner. I would say that my career success would not have been as easy (and maybe not possible) if DH still worked the way he did when I met him. I would say that the money I earned is our money. But you are right, there is something odd to me about saying my career success is his success. Also I completely bristle when SAHMs use the collective pronoun to discuss their husbands careers, promotions, raises, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

That’s the problem. I was ambitious. I was career oriented. I used to work 60+ hours per week when I had my first child. Those hours weren’t sustainable. I took a lateral less demanding less paying job when I had my second child but the job was not satisfying. It was just a job to have a job. I kept cutting down and stayed home when we had our third child.

Nobody forced you to do that. Nobody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Yes if that’s his way of demonstrating how thankful and grateful he is of all of your hard work on the homefront so he can mainly focus on work.

No, if he’s full of cliches and platitudes but not thankful and grateful of you and your work. If he ignores you, the kids, the home or spends little quality time with you he’s showing you he’s not appreciative. And vice versa.

You already know this Op. why the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:omg go away this is not a real problem. stop. you know it's not bc you made sure to brag extensively in your post. jfc. your real problem is not having any perspective on real issues and if you have time go and maybe volunteer somewhere and get some.

It does smell like the DCUM troll hypotheticals.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

[Anonymous]

I’d love to be in your shoes OP. I did SAH for a long time and now work PT but my husband isn’t very satisfied in his career and doesn’t make as much either. He’d also like me to go back full time so we can save more even though we save a lot every year. I’m very envious of you!

[Anonymous]

I get feeling this way and I would feel this way. I went to a good college and my peers who are mothers who went to college with me have accomplished a lot and have real careers. As do I. And nope, nannies didn't raise my kids.

I personally don't think it's living the dream to have a spouse who earns all the money and have no job. This would make me feel nervous and also bored and restless. I want more from life than a nice house and to be someone's mother. Although it's great OP that your DH seems like he treats you well and says all the right things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

It's also never too late to re-invest in yourself. Maybe you mentioned your age. Your kids will grow up and leave. Prepare for that and have a plan that is about your own identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

Woukd you say the same if the roles were reversed ?

Be honest

[Anonymous]

Gosh, you are too much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I haven't read all the responses, but I totally get where you're coming from. His success is not your success. You shouldn't have stopped working, but now you have to live with that. Just remember this when you're giving young women/your daughter advice.

Exactly! Just remember to let your kids know that you regret spending so much time with them (even though you had more than enough money to do so) because they’re not worth bragging about at a college reunion the way some job you didn’t need would be…

[Anonymous]

OP, I am you, but it sounds like you may be a bit younger than I am. My kids are now HS/college.

A few thoughts... you have to stop caring what other people think, like, at all. Maybe you are too young to feel that way now, but it will come. Also, it's not necessarily about what YOU want... it's about what's best for your family. At least that's how I think about it. I've always thought of my family as a unit... not just DH, not just the kids, not only myself, but us as a unit together. I also have a special needs child, so that has come into the mix. If DH did not have such a high paying job and there was any question that more money would help, I'd be out there working and contributing financially to the family. In my (and your) case, that's not where I'm most needed though. No, I am not "responsible" for DH's success. To me, that's a sort of ridiculous way to think of it. I am true to myself, knowing I'm where I'm meant to be, which is the most important thing, really.

For a long time, I thought I'd go back to work as my kids got older. I was not at peace not working, as at one point career was a huge part of my identity and something I loved, and it was easier to reconcile thinking I was on break. When people used to ask me about it, I'd say I was considering going back in a year or two. Now, although I truly do think it's never too late to go back to work... as I get older, my priorities change and a slower way of life is starting to sound more enticing.

I don't want to get into a stay home/working mom debate... but I'd suggest you do some soul searching and really ask yourself what feels right? And if it's exactly what you're doing, keep doing that and don't worry about what people will think at your college reunion. You don't owe them anything, nor do you have anything to prove to them. Ignore the nuanced comments about why you would not work... they're in the same category as everyone asking the single 30 year old women when she's going to get married, or the childless 35 year old when she's going to have kids. The post by the SMBC resonates with me in that you can't please all of the people all of the time... so focus on yourself and forget about everyone else outside of your immediate family. Other than them, there's really no reason to try to please anyone else any of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

Woukd you say the same if the roles were reversed ?

Be honest

DP but obviously! And quite frankly the average man living OP’s dream life would be thrilled and not ashamed to say so.