It's BAD..I don't want it anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

Has no money, no real job, and is no good at sex. How is it even possible you're putting up with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

you've created a mess. Good luck getting him out of your house!

Hang on here - that is not fair to OP!

OP has picked herself up from whatever went wrong with her child’s father, and she has built a mostly wonderful life for herself and her child.

Is her sex-life perfect? No! But realistically, whose is? I think her boyfriend need to step up here, BUT:

- no man is a mind-reader. Sure, he should “figure it out,” but OP: don’t waste time waiting, and just TALK to him about exactly what you want in bed (once a week is pretty good, BTW).

Be graphic if need be. You are no longer a little child; adult talk about SEX with each other, or at least they should, without dumb reservations. Again, be explicit; don’t waste time.

His other shortcomings? Again - no one is perfect. Your future depends on: can he change? Or are you better off alone again, searching for someone who may or may not ever come along? Your call on that.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to him about it and what exactly you want/need? Whole thing sound really weird and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are purposefully reversing the genders to elicit the response you want.

No one gives a flying f*ck about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

You’ll keep getting what you keep accepting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

you've created a mess. Good luck getting him out of your house!

Hang on here - that is not fair to OP!

OP has picked herself up from whatever went wrong with her child’s father, and she has built a mostly wonderful life for herself and her child.

Is her sex-life perfect? No! But realistically, whose is? I think her boyfriend need to step up here, BUT:

- no man is a mind-reader. Sure, he should “figure it out,” but OP: don’t waste time waiting, and just TALK to him about exactly what you want in bed (once a week is pretty good, BTW).

Be graphic if need be. You are no longer a little child; adult talk about SEX with each other, or at least they should, without dumb reservations. Again, be explicit; don’t waste time.

His other shortcomings? Again - no one is perfect. Your future depends on: can he change? Or are you better off alone again, searching for someone who may or may not ever come along? Your call on that.

I agree with a lot of this

[Anonymous]

OP unless you are really fulfilled by his companionship/friendship, you could dump him and have 2 or 3 or 4 awesome sex hookups every other week while your DS is with his dad, then spend the weeks he's with you focused on him and that relationship. One of those hookups might turn into another boy toy you can financially support and have living with you but who might actually keep up his end of the intimate relationship.

I'm sorry that it seems like you got a dud. Many of us have been there, most too proud to admit it - but no judgment here. Take a long hard look at yourself and what you want, do it from the perspective of expecting that this is his default and getting it to change will be like moving a mountain. Again, unless you are crazy in love and he fulfills you in all other ways, you'd be better off on your own and free to play the field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

you've created a mess. Good luck getting him out of your house!

Hang on here - that is not fair to OP!

OP has picked herself up from whatever went wrong with her child’s father, and she has built a mostly wonderful life for herself and her child.

Is her sex-life perfect? No! But realistically, whose is? I think her boyfriend need to step up here, BUT:

- no man is a mind-reader. Sure, he should “figure it out,” but OP: don’t waste time waiting, and just TALK to him about exactly what you want in bed (once a week is pretty good, BTW).

Be graphic if need be. You are no longer a little child; adult talk about SEX with each other, or at least they should, without dumb reservations. Again, be explicit; don’t waste time.

His other shortcomings? Again - no one is perfect. Your future depends on: can he change? Or are you better off alone again, searching for someone who may or may not ever come along? Your call on that.

I agree with a lot of this

Too much effort for year 3 of this relationship where they are not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP unless you are really fulfilled by his companionship/friendship, you could dump him and have 2 or 3 or 4 awesome sex hookups every other week while your DS is with his dad, then spend the weeks he's with you focused on him and that relationship. One of those hookups might turn into another boy toy you can financially support and have living with you but who might actually keep up his end of the intimate relationship.

Sigh. I’n a guy in the mirror situation as OP but this advice doesn’t work as well for men as women. This seems workable and OP has at least one decent option.

[Anonymous]

OP definitely get rid of this guy!! I can understand trying to stick it out if you are married and have kids with the guy but you don’t. You guys haven’t been together that long and the sex is already bad and he is completely living off of you. It will only get worse from here. I suspect you want to make it work because you have already been divorced once and he is living with you and your kid. You probably fear putting your kid through another major adjustment. I get all of that - you shouldn’t have let this guy move in in the first place - but that doesn’t change the fact that this guy is taking advantage of you financially and is not pleasing your sexually. He is 44 - he hasn’t been able to figure out a viable career by this point, except for hitching his wagon to you! You are under no obligation to continue supporting this man - I really hope he leaves easily but I strongly suspect he will make it difficult for you and will beg to make it work, just so he can keep his meal ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are purposefully reversing the genders to elicit the response you want.

OP here. Living breathing ALL natural women, who makes a good living and likes sex. I am fairly attractive for 41 as well. Lol. This is a real story and has happened on multiple occasions. I posted because I am at the end of my rope.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him. I’m the guy in a sexless marriage and we’re getting divorced. All because we didn’t communicate. TBH your intimacy is more than we had for like 8 years. So talk. But be ready for difficult conversations.