It's BAD..I don't want it anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

If your story is true: You have been the initiator and participated in this exactly this way every single time. This is the standard you have set. You have yourself to blame, sorry girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you move his hand?

[Anonymous]

OP as a single mom (also of an 11 yo) that attempted and then had to end a co-habitation with a partner, it happens. DCUM skews conservative, and I was afraid everybody would jump on that aspect. But this really sounds like is that you have a dealbreaker component of your relationship that you have attempted to mitigate, and your partner is doing what mine did, which is pay lip service to your needs and quietly do nothing. You do have to end it. Parents who stick it out for the kids have an entirely different history and agenda. But new partnerships that don’t work for you and your son are easy decisions to make. Remember it doesn’t have to be a car crash. But you have to be decisive and you will have to do most, if not all of the work to end the relationship and get this person to leave. Don’t underestimate the power of complacency. My partner who have continued our unhappy situation indefinitely bc it benefited him in other ways. I was not going to tolerate it or model that unhappiness for my DC.

[Anonymous]

He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

[Anonymous]

He's entered the age of more rapidly declining testosterone. The hormonal changes to men are slower and less dramatic compared to menopause. But it has a huge impact on mood, sex drive, attitude, etc. See if he'd be open to getting his bloodwork done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

, In my experience, it’s been mostly women who are selfish, expecting men to do all the work before penetration.

[Anonymous]

You need to dump him asap and start having sex with better men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

I was going to say you can work on the bad sex, but kick this loser to the curb. He isn’t even a good gigolo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

good god! why would you even WANT to have sex with this man!??!

good riddance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

If your story is true: You have been the initiator and participated in this exactly this way every single time. This is the standard you have set. You have yourself to blame, sorry girlfriend.

OP here. I understand what you're saying. However, I view this as more of a means to an end. I tried the whole not initiating thing, and all the other avenues that people recommended. The only one loosing was me! I still have a sex drive. I need the release. I also, have ZERO privacy, or I would do it alone myself...this situation still allows me to stoke my own desire at least! Lol...otherwise NONE for me. I am doing what I need to, while I try and figure out what his deal is! It may just be as simple as he doesn't care anymore. I know the situation sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Intimacy..if you can call it that, has become so BAD, that I may call it quits!

Background, I am a F 41 with M 44. Been together 3 years, live together and we have my DS 11, half of the time.

Intimacy involves me getting to the point that I need the release, so about every 4-5 days it will be morning. I take my own clothes off, snuggle beside him. He rolls to his back, I stimulate him. No touching of any kind for me...then he is excited...I'm of course not ready, so then at this point I take matters into my own hands literally. He watches me do my thing, then when I am done, he hops on and the event is over in 2-3 mins.

This is what intimacy looks like for me, and I don't know how many more times I can just go through the motions? It feels strange to not be touched and I crave it. I have never been in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to touch me other than the final act. It makes me sad and I am so bored.

Call me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you move his hand?

OP here. I have! So many times. He pulls away. I have also told him what I like. I can't force someone to perform sexual acts on me. That seems WRONG and not at all what I want or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as a single mom (also of an 11 yo) that attempted and then had to end a co-habitation with a partner, it happens. DCUM skews conservative, and I was afraid everybody would jump on that aspect. But this really sounds like is that you have a dealbreaker component of your relationship that you have attempted to mitigate, and your partner is doing what mine did, which is pay lip service to your needs and quietly do nothing. You do have to end it. Parents who stick it out for the kids have an entirely different history and agenda. But new partnerships that don’t work for you and your son are easy decisions to make. Remember it doesn’t have to be a car crash. But you have to be decisive and you will have to do most, if not all of the work to end the relationship and get this person to leave. Don’t underestimate the power of complacency. My partner who have continued our unhappy situation indefinitely bc it benefited him in other ways. I was not going to tolerate it or model that unhappiness for my DC.

OP here. Thank you for this response! I am just so mad at myself for ending up in this situation. I know I need to be strong. I can't allow myself to keep functioning like this. I appreciate your compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

, In my experience, it’s been mostly women who are selfish, expecting men to do all the work before penetration.

Sorry but men can get turned on at the drop of a hat. Women can’t. You have to do the work to get us there. Sorry it’s not like porn. 🤷‍♀️