It's BAD..I don't want it anymore!

[Anonymous]

OMG. You have a much bigger problem than your sex life. Your boyfriend is a bum! Please get him out of your house immediately, if not for you then for your daughter’s sake!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues (though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal). He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

i think you're overthinking this. he's lazy, this is working for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues [b](though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal).[\b] He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

To be clear: she should leave him because he is unemployed, pays no bills, is living in her house off of her hard work, and also (unlike a gigolo who might, at the very least, be expected to perform) using her for pitiful, lazy sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

OP here. This has not been my experience with most men, which why I am trying to wrap my mind around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

It sounds like maybe additional communication ASAP is needed. You've talked with him, which is good, but have you followed up with what you say to us, above? "Outside the bedroom you tell me I'm sexy. You describe things you want to do with me--specific acts! But they never happen. Let's talk about it." Has he: Been through any kind of stressor like a job/career change, family issues with his parents/siblings/exes, other stressors he might not be revealing to you? Have you noticed any changes to his habits or health, is he exercising less, take less interest in things which once interested him? (That last one can be a sign of depression; in men, depression does not always look like "the blues" BTW). Have you asked him why he thinks there's a change in your sex lives? Just asking him to do better or his saying he'll do better aren't enough; getting to "why" matters if you and he love and want to please each other. But he may not be able to figure that out on his own, without your helping him see if the change in sex is due to some bigger picture issue.

I know you're already getting the expected "Just leave" "end it now" posts here. If the relationship were 100 percent just about sex, well, leave. But if you live together, you do love each other, have things in common, have built a life based on more than sex--right? Don't trash that instantly as a knee-jerk reaction to sexual issues [b](though DCUM loves to tell people that sex is everything, and we should instantly dump even a committed relationship if sex isn't ideal).[\b] He may need a complete physical including bloodwork (my own DH had a thyroid issue, easily treatable, that affected his health and his drive). He may need you to be really blunt. He may need to hear, "DD is out--I know it's 3 in the afternoon, but let's go at least make out and see if we end up having sex." He and you may need to try having sex at different times, even in different places, etc. It's worth working on, if you have a relationship that is otherwise positive.

To be clear: she should leave him because he is unemployed, pays no bills, is living in her house off of her hard work, and also (unlike a gigolo who might, at the very least, be expected to perform) using her for pitiful, lazy sex.

OP here. I didn't want to face this reality...mainly because it is so hurtful, especially when I feel like I have been an excellent partner. He just is not willing to put in the effort on anything anymore, and I can't do it all myself. I don't deserve that, and my child doesn't either. Thank you for the reality check!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s bad in bed and selfish. This is how most men approach sex. He wants you to do all the work.

Can we not with the "most men" generalizations? Thanks.

OP here. This has not been my experience with most men, which why I am trying to wrap my mind around it.

OP, I agree with you that “most men” are not like this. Most men like sex and want to engage in it actively. Find one of those.

[Anonymous]

He’s watching too much porn. That’s the answer. It makes it harder for him to respond and perform with a real life woman.

[Anonymous]

Could you talk to him, adult to adult, and ask him to perform oral? Most men will respond to this when asked directly.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are purposefully reversing the genders to elicit the response you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

Good grief! He’s a loser and living off you. Next time your son is away kick him out. If you fear he might be a threat to you ask a friend to be with you or the police. But get rid of him.

[Anonymous]

It honestly seems like he resents you. Kind of a “oh now you are horny, fine.” But that would mainly come into play if you’ve repeatedly rejected him at other times.

Are there other attempts than just the morning?

[Anonymous]

This man doesn’t seem like a good partner in a lot of ways, but is this sex life so unusual? I would say that it’s not that different than ours.
I’ve been married 15 years. Three kids. He initiates or I initiate. He is already excited or becomes so quickly. I almost never have time to really get too excited before the main event. He tells me before he is about to finish, and I finish myself off, then he finishes.
It absolutely sucks, but I don’t think it’s unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For clarity...it has not always been like this. When we moved in together intimacy was nothing like it is now. I have spoken with him also, and I am met with promises to do better and that he is still attracted to me. Outside the bedroom he tells me I am so sexy, and even says things he wants to do with me, and then they just never happen...

I am divorced and yes, I am sorry my child has to be exposed to a break up. I won't live with a man again! That's for sure

Who does what portion of the household work? Who earns what portion of the household income? How does he treat your child?

The only other thing I can think of is that he's got some kind of issues with sex that may stem from a past experience of abuse.

In any case, depending on the quality of the relationship in other areas, you've got to either insist on couples therapy to work this out, or ask him to move out.

Most men are very adept at being BS artists - it's part of the toxic masculinity, the mask they learn to wear very early in the socialization process. Telling women they are sexy, blah blah blah, is all part of that for many men. They know how to get women on the hook, and many of them are just looking for a nurse/purse or a sexual release without concern for what is happening in the body or mind of the woman. It's sad, but it is undeniably true. Not all men, but . . .

OP here. I am the breadwinner, and work full time. I pay all the bills, including both car payments, mortgage, etc. We have a very nice life that I have worked hard for. He picks up odd jobs, here and there, but nothing that significantly impacts our finances. He had a job when we met of course, but now he hardly works.

I mange everything with the running of the house and our life, other than manual labor related to outside work.

He does do a lot of housework, etc and will cook, but I expect this since he is not working a steady job and I provide everything else. He is good to my child. That would be an immediate deal breaker!

you've created a mess. Good luck getting him out of your house!