Are most men just inherently “selfish”?

[Anonymous]

Yes, men are inherently selfish. When you call them out on it, they make excuses or make it your fault. They can be giving and thoughtful and attentive, but that's only when they are trying to win you over or get something out of it for themselves (sex). If you stand up for yourself they will say you are not being "supportive." It will only get worse after you are married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

And I am saying that there is merit in being more assertive and looking after your own interests, and less concerned with what other people are doing/thinking. It doesn’t mean her BF is less caring than she is. Just that he relies on people doing what it reasonable and doesn’t think it’s all on him. Unless he actually flaked out there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with assuming that a person would return to her own home when she needed to …

NP. I agree with the other poster that you’re attempting to mischaracterize the OP’s actions and making them seem “zanier” than they were. If her boyfriend did indeed need a silent apartment for his work event, then it would make perfect sense she wouldn’t want to disturb him while he worked and would wait for his call.

No, it really did not make sense for OP to wait until the coffee shop was closed and she had to wander around. Unless there was some very clear plan like “I will be presenting to the CEO from 4-6” at some point, most people would have assumed the BF forgot to text and have headed home. OP has only herself to blame for being too submissive.

It really did, and since her boyfriend communicated to her that he needed the apartment to be silent (hence the whole reason this happened) it's respectful and kind of her to respect that and not text or call him. You sound like you dont have an awareness of healthy boundaries

No, it’s not “respectful and kind”
to stay out of your own home until past nightfall when the logical assumption is that he *forgot to text.* Boundaries are one thing, being stupidly passive is another thing.

Why would you assume that a Zoom meeting would end simply because it got dark outside? Did you time travel from 1605?

It gets dark around 7:30 pm now. Unless for some reason I knew that the meeting likely went past 6 AND it was actually so sensitive that I literally could not walk in the door, I’d be going home at a normal time. The much more reasonable assumption is that he forgot. You have only yourself to blame if you exaggerately defer to others. You’ll get walked on (and yes, men will be more likely to do it) and you won’t do anyone any good.

Plenty of meetings go on after dark- not sure why you think the Zoom servers magically shut down after sundown. 7:30 also isnt particularly late for certain industries- it's not like sunset happens at 11pm. Depending on how important the meeting was (presumably pretty important given him needing the apartment to himself) it's the respectful thing to not disturb your partner until youre sure it's fine. And it's the respectful thing for the other partner to anticipate that and text as soon as theyre done

This is a whole lot of tangled nonsense considering the meeting appeared to end at a normal time and the BF just forgot.

Right. Which was thoughtless of him, but also stupid of OP to just do laps outside in the interim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are factoring in the risk of dating now. They know you can leave at any moment, so why invest too deeply in you only to be labeled selfish, etc.? No, it's every person for themselves now. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.

Sad but true (as wife of 18 years is finalizing divorce... because being married cramps her spontaneity and sometimes involves considering someone other than herself -- like me or our kids).

Men can leave too, I guess, but freeing oneself from the "patriarchy" seems to be all the rage these days.

[Anonymous]

Gee I don't know sexist one.
Are most women just inherently "selfish"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

And I am saying that there is merit in being more assertive and looking after your own interests, and less concerned with what other people are doing/thinking. It doesn’t mean her BF is less caring than she is. Just that he relies on people doing what it reasonable and doesn’t think it’s all on him. Unless he actually flaked out there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with assuming that a person would return to her own home when she needed to …

NP. I agree with the other poster that you’re attempting to mischaracterize the OP’s actions and making them seem “zanier” than they were. If her boyfriend did indeed need a silent apartment for his work event, then it would make perfect sense she wouldn’t want to disturb him while he worked and would wait for his call.

No, it really did not make sense for OP to wait until the coffee shop was closed and she had to wander around. Unless there was some very clear plan like “I will be presenting to the CEO from 4-6” at some point, most people would have assumed the BF forgot to text and have headed home. OP has only herself to blame for being too submissive.

It really did, and since her boyfriend communicated to her that he needed the apartment to be silent (hence the whole reason this happened) it's respectful and kind of her to respect that and not text or call him. You sound like you dont have an awareness of healthy boundaries

No, it’s not “respectful and kind”
to stay out of your own home until past nightfall when the logical assumption is that he *forgot to text.* Boundaries are one thing, being stupidly passive is another thing.

Why would you assume that a Zoom meeting would end simply because it got dark outside? Did you time travel from 1605?

It gets dark around 7:30 pm now. Unless for some reason I knew that the meeting likely went past 6 AND it was actually so sensitive that I literally could not walk in the door, I’d be going home at a normal time. The much more reasonable assumption is that he forgot. You have only yourself to blame if you exaggerately defer to others. You’ll get walked on (and yes, men will be more likely to do it) and you won’t do anyone any good.

Plenty of meetings go on after dark- not sure why you think the Zoom servers magically shut down after sundown. 7:30 also isnt particularly late for certain industries- it's not like sunset happens at 11pm. Depending on how important the meeting was (presumably pretty important given him needing the apartment to himself) it's the respectful thing to not disturb your partner until youre sure it's fine. And it's the respectful thing for the other partner to anticipate that and text as soon as theyre done

Look, there’s being “respectful and kind” and there’s being a doormat. That’s the point. No man would mope around outside until 8pm because he thought *maybe* his GF was still on a zoom call. It’s not actually respectful and kind to be a martyr. You inconvenience yourself and then make everyone pay.

And there’s also just having common sense. If OP didn’t have the common sense to just … go home … and as a result caused herself discomfort and is now mad at her BF, that’s just dumb. You have to be responsible for yourself and be able to figure things out on a practical level. Like if her BF said he would go shopping and get milk but didn’t, then she opened the fridge and saw only expired milk, if she drinks the sour milk because she assumes he just bought it, that’s her own d*mn fault. Use your brain.

It's not being a "doormat" to listen to your partner's needs/specific requests and try to be accommodating. That's called being a good/mature human. There IS something messed up about not responding in kind and letting them know it's time to come back. There was literally nothing crazy about waiting until the text to return back- that's called being a considerate/good human being.

[Anonymous]

As another poster asked, why do you have to leave the apartment if he’s in a meeting? If it’s the apartment, get one that works better, if it’s your behavior, change it, and if he asks you to leave, break up with him. I’m not kidding with all these suggestions.
As for if men are selfish, no, they just need to be told in a way most women don’t, “No, I won’t leave the apartment” or “I really do need you to text when the meeting is done”. Or, you can say “since you didn’t text, I will no longer be leaving the apartment”
You have a lot of options here, op.
As a tangent, this is why I advise women to at least pay for their own place whether it’s rent or just being nice to your mom so you aren’t reliant on a boyfriend. The reason is that you are in girlfriend mode because you aren’t married. A girlfriend gives the boyfriend space to work or study, a wife says “study all you want, this is my home too, and why would I leave, I like it here, I’ve got the stuff I like here, I don’t want to find out what’s open and then maybe spend money or consume food I don’t want, I’m staying right here”.
You don’t need to fight, but nor do you need to frame this as a character flaw on his part. He’s just being a silly man and unless he’s directing you to stay out, he’s probably not a bad guy.
And no, most men wouldn’t understand why walking around after dark is a problem, I remember a similar issue when my husband and I were dating, and he couldn’t grasp the problem, after all nobody had bothered him after dark, and he wouldn’t bother anybody so why on earth would I even worry or think something bad would happen, and if it did, well, all the person would want was money. I remember thinking maybe for the first time “my mom was right, men and women are different” and really grasping what the meant, the world looks very different to us ladies then it does for the men. I’d also argue that it takes men longer to learn how to treat a woman probably because of feminism or at least how it is sometimes practiced. I sure can take care of myself after dark, it doesn’t mean that I’d prefer not to do it when I’ve got a romantic partner in my life, and that looks like them waiting with me if we need to wait, or if they are picking me up, picking me up in areas with lots of people around, ideally other sober women, think lady bar tenders. These are things I don’t think are explained to men the way they used to be. And yes, I’ll take a kind caring slightly sexist man over one that would just expect me to handle it because that’s what his sister does. That’s only my preference and you op can choose differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are factoring in the risk of dating now. They know you can leave at any moment, so why invest too deeply in you only to be labeled selfish, etc.? No, it's every person for themselves now. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.

Sad but true (as wife of 18 years is finalizing divorce... because being married cramps her spontaneity and sometimes involves considering someone other than herself -- like me or our kids).

Men can leave too, I guess, but freeing oneself from the "patriarchy" seems to be all the rage these days.

If PP's comment re: women "killing" chivalry because they need equality resonates with your impending divorce, that may be something for your to consider in more detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

And I am saying that there is merit in being more assertive and looking after your own interests, and less concerned with what other people are doing/thinking. It doesn’t mean her BF is less caring than she is. Just that he relies on people doing what it reasonable and doesn’t think it’s all on him. Unless he actually flaked out there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with assuming that a person would return to her own home when she needed to …

NP. I agree with the other poster that you’re attempting to mischaracterize the OP’s actions and making them seem “zanier” than they were. If her boyfriend did indeed need a silent apartment for his work event, then it would make perfect sense she wouldn’t want to disturb him while he worked and would wait for his call.

No, it really did not make sense for OP to wait until the coffee shop was closed and she had to wander around. Unless there was some very clear plan like “I will be presenting to the CEO from 4-6” at some point, most people would have assumed the BF forgot to text and have headed home. OP has only herself to blame for being too submissive.

It really did, and since her boyfriend communicated to her that he needed the apartment to be silent (hence the whole reason this happened) it's respectful and kind of her to respect that and not text or call him. You sound like you dont have an awareness of healthy boundaries

No, it’s not “respectful and kind”
to stay out of your own home until past nightfall when the logical assumption is that he *forgot to text.* Boundaries are one thing, being stupidly passive is another thing.

Why would you assume that a Zoom meeting would end simply because it got dark outside? Did you time travel from 1605?

It gets dark around 7:30 pm now. Unless for some reason I knew that the meeting likely went past 6 AND it was actually so sensitive that I literally could not walk in the door, I’d be going home at a normal time. The much more reasonable assumption is that he forgot. You have only yourself to blame if you exaggerately defer to others. You’ll get walked on (and yes, men will be more likely to do it) and you won’t do anyone any good.

Plenty of meetings go on after dark- not sure why you think the Zoom servers magically shut down after sundown. 7:30 also isnt particularly late for certain industries- it's not like sunset happens at 11pm. Depending on how important the meeting was (presumably pretty important given him needing the apartment to himself) it's the respectful thing to not disturb your partner until youre sure it's fine. And it's the respectful thing for the other partner to anticipate that and text as soon as theyre done

Look, there’s being “respectful and kind” and there’s being a doormat. That’s the point. No man would mope around outside until 8pm because he thought *maybe* his GF was still on a zoom call. It’s not actually respectful and kind to be a martyr. You inconvenience yourself and then make everyone pay.

And there’s also just having common sense. If OP didn’t have the common sense to just … go home … and as a result caused herself discomfort and is now mad at her BF, that’s just dumb. You have to be responsible for yourself and be able to figure things out on a practical level. Like if her BF said he would go shopping and get milk but didn’t, then she opened the fridge and saw only expired milk, if she drinks the sour milk because she assumes he just bought it, that’s her own d*mn fault. Use your brain.

It's not being a "doormat" to listen to your partner's needs/specific requests and try to be accommodating. That's called being a good/mature human. There IS something messed up about not responding in kind and letting them know it's time to come back. There was literally nothing crazy about waiting until the text to return back- that's called being a considerate/good human being.

ffs. should she have waited until 10pm? at a certain point it was rational to infer he was probably done. it’s completely dysfunctional not to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: As another poster asked, why do you have to leave the apartment if he’s in a meeting? If it’s the apartment, get one that works better, if it’s your behavior, change it, and if he asks you to leave, break up with him. I’m not kidding with all these suggestions.
As for if men are selfish, no, they just need to be told in a way most women don’t, “No, I won’t leave the apartment” or “I really do need you to text when the meeting is done”. Or, you can say “since you didn’t text, I will no longer be leaving the apartment”
You have a lot of options here, op.
As a tangent, this is why I advise women to at least pay for their own place whether it’s rent or just being nice to your mom so you aren’t reliant on a boyfriend. The reason is that you are in girlfriend mode because you aren’t married. A girlfriend gives the boyfriend space to work or study, a wife says “study all you want, this is my home too, and why would I leave, I like it here, I’ve got the stuff I like here, I don’t want to find out what’s open and then maybe spend money or consume food I don’t want, I’m staying right here”.
You don’t need to fight, but nor do you need to frame this as a character flaw on his part. He’s just being a silly man and unless he’s directing you to stay out, he’s probably not a bad guy.
And no, most men wouldn’t understand why walking around after dark is a problem, I remember a similar issue when my husband and I were dating, and he couldn’t grasp the problem, after all nobody had bothered him after dark, and he wouldn’t bother anybody so why on earth would I even worry or think something bad would happen, and if it did, well, all the person would want was money. I remember thinking maybe for the first time “my mom was right, men and women are different” and really grasping what the meant, the world looks very different to us ladies then it does for the men. I’d also argue that it takes men longer to learn how to treat a woman probably because of feminism or at least how it is sometimes practiced. I sure can take care of myself after dark, it doesn’t mean that I’d prefer not to do it when I’ve got a romantic partner in my life, and that looks like them waiting with me if we need to wait, or if they are picking me up, picking me up in areas with lots of people around, ideally other sober women, think lady bar tenders. These are things I don’t think are explained to men the way they used to be. And yes, I’ll take a kind caring slightly sexist man over one that would just expect me to handle it because that’s what his sister does. That’s only my preference and you op can choose differently.

Right. You can’t expect people to read your mind and always be trying to smooth your way. The typical man wouldn’t agree to stay out of his own home indefinitely because his GF may or may not be on a zoom call. There’s no need for a woman to agree to it. A man NEVER would have wandered around for hours meekly wondering when he would be allowed to return. This is an example of the positive side of male self-centeredness that women should emulate.

[Anonymous]

yes they are. And self centered too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As another poster asked, why do you have to leave the apartment if he’s in a meeting? If it’s the apartment, get one that works better, if it’s your behavior, change it, and if he asks you to leave, break up with him. I’m not kidding with all these suggestions.
As for if men are selfish, no, they just need to be told in a way most women don’t, “No, I won’t leave the apartment” or “I really do need you to text when the meeting is done”. Or, you can say “since you didn’t text, I will no longer be leaving the apartment”
You have a lot of options here, op.
As a tangent, this is why I advise women to at least pay for their own place whether it’s rent or just being nice to your mom so you aren’t reliant on a boyfriend. The reason is that you are in girlfriend mode because you aren’t married. A girlfriend gives the boyfriend space to work or study, a wife says “study all you want, this is my home too, and why would I leave, I like it here, I’ve got the stuff I like here, I don’t want to find out what’s open and then maybe spend money or consume food I don’t want, I’m staying right here”.
You don’t need to fight, but nor do you need to frame this as a character flaw on his part. He’s just being a silly man and unless he’s directing you to stay out, he’s probably not a bad guy.
And no, most men wouldn’t understand why walking around after dark is a problem, I remember a similar issue when my husband and I were dating, and he couldn’t grasp the problem, after all nobody had bothered him after dark, and he wouldn’t bother anybody so why on earth would I even worry or think something bad would happen, and if it did, well, all the person would want was money. I remember thinking maybe for the first time “my mom was right, men and women are different” and really grasping what the meant, the world looks very different to us ladies then it does for the men. I’d also argue that it takes men longer to learn how to treat a woman probably because of feminism or at least how it is sometimes practiced. I sure can take care of myself after dark, it doesn’t mean that I’d prefer not to do it when I’ve got a romantic partner in my life, and that looks like them waiting with me if we need to wait, or if they are picking me up, picking me up in areas with lots of people around, ideally other sober women, think lady bar tenders. These are things I don’t think are explained to men the way they used to be. And yes, I’ll take a kind caring slightly sexist man over one that would just expect me to handle it because that’s what his sister does. That’s only my preference and you op can choose differently.

Right. You can’t expect people to read your mind and always be trying to smooth your way. The typical man wouldn’t agree to stay out of his own home indefinitely because his GF may or may not be on a zoom call. There’s no need for a woman to agree to it. A man NEVER would have wandered around for hours meekly wondering when he would be allowed to return. This is an example of the positive side of male self-centeredness that women should emulate.

Sounds like the OPs boyfriend leaves the apartment quite frequently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As another poster asked, why do you have to leave the apartment if he’s in a meeting? If it’s the apartment, get one that works better, if it’s your behavior, change it, and if he asks you to leave, break up with him. I’m not kidding with all these suggestions.
As for if men are selfish, no, they just need to be told in a way most women don’t, “No, I won’t leave the apartment” or “I really do need you to text when the meeting is done”. Or, you can say “since you didn’t text, I will no longer be leaving the apartment”
You have a lot of options here, op.
As a tangent, this is why I advise women to at least pay for their own place whether it’s rent or just being nice to your mom so you aren’t reliant on a boyfriend. The reason is that you are in girlfriend mode because you aren’t married. A girlfriend gives the boyfriend space to work or study, a wife says “study all you want, this is my home too, and why would I leave, I like it here, I’ve got the stuff I like here, I don’t want to find out what’s open and then maybe spend money or consume food I don’t want, I’m staying right here”.
You don’t need to fight, but nor do you need to frame this as a character flaw on his part. He’s just being a silly man and unless he’s directing you to stay out, he’s probably not a bad guy.
And no, most men wouldn’t understand why walking around after dark is a problem, I remember a similar issue when my husband and I were dating, and he couldn’t grasp the problem, after all nobody had bothered him after dark, and he wouldn’t bother anybody so why on earth would I even worry or think something bad would happen, and if it did, well, all the person would want was money. I remember thinking maybe for the first time “my mom was right, men and women are different” and really grasping what the meant, the world looks very different to us ladies then it does for the men. I’d also argue that it takes men longer to learn how to treat a woman probably because of feminism or at least how it is sometimes practiced. I sure can take care of myself after dark, it doesn’t mean that I’d prefer not to do it when I’ve got a romantic partner in my life, and that looks like them waiting with me if we need to wait, or if they are picking me up, picking me up in areas with lots of people around, ideally other sober women, think lady bar tenders. These are things I don’t think are explained to men the way they used to be. And yes, I’ll take a kind caring slightly sexist man over one that would just expect me to handle it because that’s what his sister does. That’s only my preference and you op can choose differently.

Right. You can’t expect people to read your mind and always be trying to smooth your way. The typical man wouldn’t agree to stay out of his own home indefinitely because his GF may or may not be on a zoom call. There’s no need for a woman to agree to it. A man NEVER would have wandered around for hours meekly wondering when he would be allowed to return. This is an example of the positive side of male self-centeredness that women should emulate.

Sounds like the OPs boyfriend leaves the apartment quite frequently

And I’m sure he come back when he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As another poster asked, why do you have to leave the apartment if he’s in a meeting? If it’s the apartment, get one that works better, if it’s your behavior, change it, and if he asks you to leave, break up with him. I’m not kidding with all these suggestions.
As for if men are selfish, no, they just need to be told in a way most women don’t, “No, I won’t leave the apartment” or “I really do need you to text when the meeting is done”. Or, you can say “since you didn’t text, I will no longer be leaving the apartment”
You have a lot of options here, op.
As a tangent, this is why I advise women to at least pay for their own place whether it’s rent or just being nice to your mom so you aren’t reliant on a boyfriend. The reason is that you are in girlfriend mode because you aren’t married. A girlfriend gives the boyfriend space to work or study, a wife says “study all you want, this is my home too, and why would I leave, I like it here, I’ve got the stuff I like here, I don’t want to find out what’s open and then maybe spend money or consume food I don’t want, I’m staying right here”.
You don’t need to fight, but nor do you need to frame this as a character flaw on his part. He’s just being a silly man and unless he’s directing you to stay out, he’s probably not a bad guy.
And no, most men wouldn’t understand why walking around after dark is a problem, I remember a similar issue when my husband and I were dating, and he couldn’t grasp the problem, after all nobody had bothered him after dark, and he wouldn’t bother anybody so why on earth would I even worry or think something bad would happen, and if it did, well, all the person would want was money. I remember thinking maybe for the first time “my mom was right, men and women are different” and really grasping what the meant, the world looks very different to us ladies then it does for the men. I’d also argue that it takes men longer to learn how to treat a woman probably because of feminism or at least how it is sometimes practiced. I sure can take care of myself after dark, it doesn’t mean that I’d prefer not to do it when I’ve got a romantic partner in my life, and that looks like them waiting with me if we need to wait, or if they are picking me up, picking me up in areas with lots of people around, ideally other sober women, think lady bar tenders. These are things I don’t think are explained to men the way they used to be. And yes, I’ll take a kind caring slightly sexist man over one that would just expect me to handle it because that’s what his sister does. That’s only my preference and you op can choose differently.

Right. You can’t expect people to read your mind and always be trying to smooth your way. The typical man wouldn’t agree to stay out of his own home indefinitely because his GF may or may not be on a zoom call. There’s no need for a woman to agree to it. A man NEVER would have wandered around for hours meekly wondering when he would be allowed to return. This is an example of the positive side of male self-centeredness that women should emulate.

Sounds like the OPs boyfriend leaves the apartment quite frequently

And I’m sure he come back when he wants to.

Doubt he wants to leave the apartment frequently for hours at a time whenever OP has meetings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

And I am saying that there is merit in being more assertive and looking after your own interests, and less concerned with what other people are doing/thinking. It doesn’t mean her BF is less caring than she is. Just that he relies on people doing what it reasonable and doesn’t think it’s all on him. Unless he actually flaked out there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with assuming that a person would return to her own home when she needed to …

NP. I agree with the other poster that you’re attempting to mischaracterize the OP’s actions and making them seem “zanier” than they were. If her boyfriend did indeed need a silent apartment for his work event, then it would make perfect sense she wouldn’t want to disturb him while he worked and would wait for his call.

No, it really did not make sense for OP to wait until the coffee shop was closed and she had to wander around. Unless there was some very clear plan like “I will be presenting to the CEO from 4-6” at some point, most people would have assumed the BF forgot to text and have headed home. OP has only herself to blame for being too submissive.

It really did, and since her boyfriend communicated to her that he needed the apartment to be silent (hence the whole reason this happened) it's respectful and kind of her to respect that and not text or call him. You sound like you dont have an awareness of healthy boundaries

No, it’s not “respectful and kind”
to stay out of your own home until past nightfall when the logical assumption is that he *forgot to text.* Boundaries are one thing, being stupidly passive is another thing.

Why would you assume that a Zoom meeting would end simply because it got dark outside? Did you time travel from 1605?

It gets dark around 7:30 pm now. Unless for some reason I knew that the meeting likely went past 6 AND it was actually so sensitive that I literally could not walk in the door, I’d be going home at a normal time. The much more reasonable assumption is that he forgot. You have only yourself to blame if you exaggerately defer to others. You’ll get walked on (and yes, men will be more likely to do it) and you won’t do anyone any good.

Plenty of meetings go on after dark- not sure why you think the Zoom servers magically shut down after sundown. 7:30 also isnt particularly late for certain industries- it's not like sunset happens at 11pm. Depending on how important the meeting was (presumably pretty important given him needing the apartment to himself) it's the respectful thing to not disturb your partner until youre sure it's fine. And it's the respectful thing for the other partner to anticipate that and text as soon as theyre done

Look, there’s being “respectful and kind” and there’s being a doormat. That’s the point. No man would mope around outside until 8pm because he thought *maybe* his GF was still on a zoom call. It’s not actually respectful and kind to be a martyr. You inconvenience yourself and then make everyone pay.

And there’s also just having common sense. If OP didn’t have the common sense to just … go home … and as a result caused herself discomfort and is now mad at her BF, that’s just dumb. You have to be responsible for yourself and be able to figure things out on a practical level. Like if her BF said he would go shopping and get milk but didn’t, then she opened the fridge and saw only expired milk, if she drinks the sour milk because she assumes he just bought it, that’s her own d*mn fault. Use your brain.

It's not being a "doormat" to listen to your partner's needs/specific requests and try to be accommodating. That's called being a good/mature human. There IS something messed up about not responding in kind and letting them know it's time to come back. There was literally nothing crazy about waiting until the text to return back- that's called being a considerate/good human being.

ffs. should she have waited until 10pm? at a certain point it was rational to infer he was probably done. it’s completely dysfunctional not to figure this out.

10pm is very different from waiting until 7:30, which is completely reasonable, particularly if it’s a late meeting . It’s dysfunctional to try to blame OP for what was a considerate and reasonable decision on their part

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By that I mean, I feel like I’m constantly thinking of my boyfriend. For example, we share a small apartment and sometimes I need to have it by myself for meetings. Occasionally the reverse happens too, like yesterday. We had made plans to go to dinner after, but as the hours ticked by, I never heard anything from him, not until the coffeee shop had closed and I’d walked around our neighborhood in the dark. When he finally did text me to check in and give me the all clear to go back to the apartment, I was annoyed, because I’m always so communicative with him when he’s out of the apartment, and always thinking about him. This is obviously just the latest thing, it’s not a standalone. I just feel this kind of thing happens all the time- he seems to think mostly of himself whereas I think of “us” and “him” much more. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting and this is a tiny thing, or maybe just what you have to expect from all men, or if I just picked a selfish one. Would love to hear from the DCUM ladies, who have much more experience dealing with men than I do, I think

You have an insecure attachment style and a penchant for creating drama.

Next time, use your words and send a text or call.