Are most men just inherently “selfish”?

[Anonymous]

No, not all men are selfish. But yours is

[Anonymous]

I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that men are not as socialized to pick up on non-verbal social cues as women are. It’s not as important to the social lives of boys to know what’s being said behind their backs as it is to girls. So, yeah, he doesn’t really think much about what you might be thinking about him without directly expressing it.

That doesn’t mean that he’s a jerk or that he’s selfish. It just means that you are going to have to verbalize things that would just be understood if the situation was reversed.

Don’t just let this go or make it some kind of comment on his personality. Tell him that you had nowhere to go after the coffee shop closed and that you are upset.

This is good advice. There have been many times over 20 years of marriage where I will stew over something for days and DH will ask why I didn't just say something. Many men are simple creatures and they need clear direction. Doesn't make them bad people.
But I will say that it wont get better when you have kids so learn to speak up now.

Yes! He’s not going to change. Also, you will be a better wife AND a better mother if you figure out how to speak up about what you are thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I think they tend to be, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that men are not as socialized to pick up on non-verbal social cues as women are. It’s not as important to the social lives of boys to know what’s being said behind their backs as it is to girls. So, yeah, he doesn’t really think much about what you might be thinking about him without directly expressing it.

That doesn’t mean that he’s a jerk or that he’s selfish. It just means that you are going to have to verbalize things that would just be understood if the situation was reversed.

Don’t just let this go or make it some kind of comment on his personality. Tell him that you had nowhere to go after the coffee shop closed and that you are upset.

I think a positive way to see it is that men are more naturally assertive and care less about what other people think, which women can adopt to a certain degree. No man would wander around the streets until 7pm wondering if his girlfriend was done with her meeting, not unless there was some kind of clear plan and agreement that he was going to stay out. He simply would have thought around 4pm “Oh, she probably forgot to text. I’m heading home. NBD if she’s still on the call.”

I don’t really see how this is a more positive way to see it. Unless you mean positive toward men? It seems to me like a needlessly judgmental way to see something that’s fairly neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

[Anonymous]

Most men are horrible anticipators of others needs. Whether it’s realizing that their kids will be hungry after picking them up after soccer practice and bringing snacks to give them, or thoughtlessly leaving their wife to wait in the dark outside a coffeee shop, it’s the same thing. Most men are thoughtless, with a few rare exceptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men on average are selfish. You need to be pretty specific about what you want/need from them. A good guy will try to do what you want when you do express it. A bad guy will call you a nag. Also YOU need to be more selfish. I actually am selfish and I never would have stayed in the coffee shop until closing then walked around the park. If he wasn’t texting I would have just gone back home.

What a sexist you are. Gross generalization.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS. Are most men selfish? Yes -- because most people are selfish.

[Anonymous]

No not all men are selfish. My husband isn’t. There are moments where he can be selfish but so can I. You are far more patient than I am for walking around for hours, I would’ve just gone home after calling or texting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By that I mean, I feel like I’m constantly thinking of my boyfriend. For example, we share a small apartment and sometimes I need to have it by myself for meetings. Occasionally the reverse happens too, like yesterday. We had made plans to go to dinner after, but as the hours ticked by, I never heard anything from him, not until the coffeee shop had closed and I’d walked around our neighborhood in the dark. When he finally did text me to check in and give me the all clear to go back to the apartment, I was annoyed, because I’m always so communicative with him when he’s out of the apartment, and always thinking about him. This is obviously just the latest thing, it’s not a standalone. I just feel this kind of thing happens all the time- he seems to think mostly of himself whereas I think of “us” and “him” much more. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting and this is a tiny thing, or maybe just what you have to expect from all men, or if I just picked a selfish one. Would love to hear from the DCUM ladies, who have much more experience dealing with men than I do, I think

A better question to ask yourself OP: Why are you shacking up with this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between being selfish and being inconsiderate. I think it was the latter and you should tell him that. The act was inconsiderate but that doesn’t mean he is selfish. If he is consistently inconsiderate then he is selfish.

Agree. NP here. He may also not be a good communicator. DH is all of those things, and so is his family. You have to stay on top of things and manage the communication aspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think he's forgetful and inconsiderate. Were you texting him and he didn't respond?

If you weren't texting him, he probably thought you'd come back after a reasonable amount of time or the normal end of his workday.

If this is a pattern, break up with him.

Well, it’s really on OP if she chose to wander around in the dark instead of thinking “Hmm, guess he forgot to text, I’ll go home.” If he consistently ignores & flakes that’s an issue. But OP also has to be reasonable.

I don’t think that’s fair. She is thinking about what she would do in her boyfriend’s situation, WHICH WE ALL DO, and, in the best possible light, is exactly what he was doing.
She is thinking, “I would communicate and text, and I would be worried that he didn’t have anywhere to go and was upset.”
At BEST, he was thinking, “She would call or just come home if the coffee shop closes and she doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

And I am saying that there is merit in being more assertive and looking after your own interests, and less concerned with what other people are doing/thinking. It doesn’t mean her BF is less caring than she is. Just that he relies on people doing what it reasonable and doesn’t think it’s all on him. Unless he actually flaked out there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with assuming that a person would return to her own home when she needed to …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are horrible anticipators of others needs. Whether it’s realizing that their kids will be hungry after picking them up after soccer practice and bringing snacks to give them, or thoughtlessly leaving their wife to wait in the dark outside a coffeee shop, it’s the same thing. Most men are thoughtless, with a few rare exceptions

I agree but women can also over-anticipate. Like, it’s OK for kids to be hungry and wait until dinner. It’s not neglect and arguably better in terms of eating patterns. TBH I’d be annoyed if my partner or roommate or whatever didn’t have the good sense to think “hmm, I have not heard from Larlo about whether his meeting is over. Seems like maybe he got tied up. I’m just going home because I’m tired of this cafe.”