Are most men just inherently “selfish”?

[Anonymous]

By that I mean, I feel like I’m constantly thinking of my boyfriend. For example, we share a small apartment and sometimes I need to have it by myself for meetings. Occasionally the reverse happens too, like yesterday. We had made plans to go to dinner after, but as the hours ticked by, I never heard anything from him, not until the coffeee shop had closed and I’d walked around our neighborhood in the dark. When he finally did text me to check in and give me the all clear to go back to the apartment, I was annoyed, because I’m always so communicative with him when he’s out of the apartment, and always thinking about him. This is obviously just the latest thing, it’s not a standalone. I just feel this kind of thing happens all the time- he seems to think mostly of himself whereas I think of “us” and “him” much more. But I don’t know if I’m overreacting and this is a tiny thing, or maybe just what you have to expect from all men, or if I just picked a selfish one. Would love to hear from the DCUM ladies, who have much more experience dealing with men than I do, I think

[Anonymous]

DH has never acted like that. DH would also have gone to one of those work spaces instead of making me leave for hours.

[Anonymous]

No.

There are selfish men and selfish women. There are selfless men and selfless women. Then there are the rest of us who are somewhere in between.

And then there are all the complexities of life and feelings and thoughts and intentions and understanding and context and experience that shape why we do what we do and how we see it.

[Anonymous]

Some would say that you expecting him to leave while you work is selfish. To kick him out of his own residence.

Others would say that is reasonable.

He may have thought you were enjoyable time to yourself, puttering around town.

[Anonymous]

Yes. They are

[Anonymous]

Men are factoring in the risk of dating now. They know you can leave at any moment, so why invest too deeply in you only to be labeled selfish, etc.? No, it's every person for themselves now. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between being selfish and being inconsiderate. I think it was the latter and you should tell him that. The act was inconsiderate but that doesn’t mean he is selfish. If he is consistently inconsiderate then he is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some would say that you expecting him to leave while you work is selfish. To kick him out of his own residence.

Others would say that is reasonable.

He may have thought you were enjoyable time to yourself, puttering around town.

Avoid men like this PP who make dumb excuses for objectively bad/annoying behavior. Huge red flag.

There are certainly kind, thoughtful, mature men out there but there’s not enough of them for every woman who’s also kind, thoughtful, and mature. Unfortunately men who are self-absorbed and thoughtless also aren’t going to be good hands-on parenting partners, because that requires thinking of the children’s needs before your own. I would just say to evaluate your bf with a critical eye as to the value he’s actually going to add to your life together.

[Anonymous]

Yes, men on average are selfish. You need to be pretty specific about what you want/need from them. A good guy will try to do what you want when you do express it. A bad guy will call you a nag. Also YOU need to be more selfish. I actually am selfish and I never would have stayed in the coffee shop until closing then walked around the park. If he wasn’t texting I would have just gone back home.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you need to leave the house. Can't you just be quiet while he's on a meeting? Isn't that enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are factoring in the risk of dating now. They know you can leave at any moment, so why invest too deeply in you only to be labeled selfish, etc.? No, it's every person for themselves now. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it.

Unlike the good old days when there was a power imbalance? This is such an incel comment. My guess is lots of women have “escaped” from you - lucky for them…

[Anonymous]

I think that men are not as socialized to pick up on non-verbal social cues as women are. It’s not as important to the social lives of boys to know what’s being said behind their backs as it is to girls. So, yeah, he doesn’t really think much about what you might be thinking about him without directly expressing it.

That doesn’t mean that he’s a jerk or that he’s selfish. It just means that you are going to have to verbalize things that would just be understood if the situation was reversed.

Don’t just let this go or make it some kind of comment on his personality. Tell him that you had nowhere to go after the coffee shop closed and that you are upset.

[Anonymous]

Men are not socialized to think of others the way women are. So I don’t know if they’re inherently more selfish, but the result of this socialization is that yes, they prioritize themselves over others in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that men are not as socialized to pick up on non-verbal social cues as women are. It’s not as important to the social lives of boys to know what’s being said behind their backs as it is to girls. So, yeah, he doesn’t really think much about what you might be thinking about him without directly expressing it.

That doesn’t mean that he’s a jerk or that he’s selfish. It just means that you are going to have to verbalize things that would just be understood if the situation was reversed.

Don’t just let this go or make it some kind of comment on his personality. Tell him that you had nowhere to go after the coffee shop closed and that you are upset.

I think a positive way to see it is that men are more naturally assertive and care less about what other people think, which women can adopt to a certain degree. No man would wander around the streets until 7pm wondering if his girlfriend was done with her meeting, not unless there was some kind of clear plan and agreement that he was going to stay out. He simply would have thought around 4pm “Oh, she probably forgot to text. I’m heading home. NBD if she’s still on the call.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that men are not as socialized to pick up on non-verbal social cues as women are. It’s not as important to the social lives of boys to know what’s being said behind their backs as it is to girls. So, yeah, he doesn’t really think much about what you might be thinking about him without directly expressing it.

That doesn’t mean that he’s a jerk or that he’s selfish. It just means that you are going to have to verbalize things that would just be understood if the situation was reversed.

Don’t just let this go or make it some kind of comment on his personality. Tell him that you had nowhere to go after the coffee shop closed and that you are upset.

This is good advice. There have been many times over 20 years of marriage where I will stew over something for days and DH will ask why I didn't just say something. Many men are simple creatures and they need clear direction. Doesn't make them bad people.
But I will say that it wont get better when you have kids so learn to speak up now.