s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.

Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.

Not necessarily. I've never dated a woman who wasn't bipolar, but I'm not "crazier." I'm just a steady guy who is well matched with someone who needs a little more support.

This is true for most men, tbh.

The misogynist incel found this thread too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

I mean I definitely know people who were diagnosed with ADHD and (more rarely) autism waaaaay after marriage and kids — usually when their kids were in elementary school and diagnosed and the affected parent was like “That’s not [diagnosis]; that’s just life. Right? …right?” Maybe less so these days where mental health speak is commonplace but it definitely used to happen.

Oh man this was my experience. I knew my husband had significant anxiety but he was open to therapy and medication and he handled it well. I knew and accepted that going into our marriage. He would struggle sometimes but he’s very smart and school was easy enough even at top schools that I didn’t see what a real challenge would be like until we had kids in our early 30s (we both have advanced degrees and were in school until then too).

Having kids changed everything. Like everything and it dramatically changed our dynamic because he was so lost. Fast forward about 5 years to our oldest being diagnosed with severe ADHD and my husband basically saying exactly this. And his mom was one of those moms that chased down everything medical- no one ever even raised the possibility of ADHD because he always had good grades. It’s totally different now because my MIL constantly says our oldest (who also has perfect grades) is just like my husband was.

The frustrating thing is that he doesn’t accept that he has ADHD and won’t get help. He thinks he’s managing fine. I see what a difference diagnosis and treatment has made to our child and I truly do understand why he won’t get help. It would be great for me but it would probably improve his life a lot too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

*nods grimly*

+1. We married in our early/mid-20s, and some of these things don't manifest until late 20s...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Live with someone for a couple of years before marriage. Crazy can't hold the crazy in for that long.

As the spouse with mental illness that wasn’t diagnosed until my late 30’s - disagree. I held it together for a LONG time.

[Anonymous]

Family of origin.

My XW, her mom had schizophrenia. At the time I thought, eh what are the chances the daughter will go nuts too? Turns out it was 100%. But I thought that since she was 27 it would have manifested already if it was going to. Alas it manifested when she was 46 and we had two kids…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

*nods grimly*

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of that thread. For us, having a child exacerbated the mental illnesses. There was no way to tell before because he was masking it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but there were little incidents but it was really well hidden

Also want to add... people change. They do. So even if you didn't marry crazy, people can become crazy.

This is true. If you face adversity and severe stress, you can go crazy. Whether you can come back is another thing.

[Anonymous]

I will take my mentally ill spouse over whatever alternative I was supposed to go for eight days a week.

How do “they” screen “us” for inflexibility, intolerance of difference, and being judgmental gits?

[Anonymous]

My sister married someone who was mentally ill. Here were some of the tells:
*Unreallistic expectations and plans about life in general and in specifics
*Gaps in personal history, stories don’t add up (My dad and I both wondered if he had been in a hospital or something due to vague timelines/missing details on years)
*Fibs/fabulism/exaggerations/lies (delusions)
*Immature for age
*Difficulty with goals

[Anonymous]

I am 35 with a mental illness that came about in my thirties. You would never know when I was younger. I was put into situations that I never was in (marriage and kids) that really brought out my mental illness. Sometimes you just do not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will take my mentally ill spouse over whatever alternative I was supposed to go for eight days a week.

How do “they” screen “us” for inflexibility, intolerance of difference, and being judgmental gits?

I went into my marriage with eyes open, my wife had a severe bout of hypomania when we were engaged, but I agree. There are challenges, but I'm glad I made the choice I did.+

[Anonymous]

Get to know the family. What are the relationships like?

[Anonymous]

How about we not stigmatize mental illness any more than it already is? Are you really suggesting people with ADHD, anxiety, autism, depression, etc should never get married?? The vast majority of these people can have happy lives. Supportive families make a world of difference too, in the ability to access and participate in mental health care.

There's nothing wrong with screening for specific red flags, like most mentioned in this thread. But how about you not stereotype *all* people with mental health struggles into this category of "not worthy of marriage".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of that thread. For us, having a child exacerbated the mental illnesses. There was no way to tell before because he was masking it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but there were little incidents but it was really well hidden

Also want to add... people change. They do. So even if you didn't marry crazy, people can become crazy.

People on this forum are incredibly hostile to this idea. They think you can screen and research and avoid every variable that leads to a bad outcome. That is just the culture of this area.