Reply to s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either). [/quote]

I mean I definitely know people who were diagnosed with ADHD and (more rarely) autism waaaaay after marriage and kids — usually when their kids were in elementary school and diagnosed and the affected parent was like “That’s not [diagnosis]; that’s just life.  Right?  …right?”  Maybe less so these days where mental health speak is commonplace but it definitely used to happen.[/quote]

Oh man this was my experience. I knew my husband had significant anxiety but he was open to therapy and medication and he handled it well. I knew and accepted that going into our marriage. He would struggle sometimes but he’s very smart and school was easy enough even at top schools that I didn’t see what a real challenge would be like until we had kids in our early 30s (we both have advanced degrees and were in school until then too).

Having kids changed everything. Like everything and it dramatically changed our dynamic because he was so lost. Fast forward about 5 years to our oldest being diagnosed with severe ADHD and my husband basically saying exactly this. And his mom was one of those moms that chased down everything medical- no one ever even raised the possibility of ADHD because he always had good grades. It’s totally different now because my MIL constantly says our oldest (who also has perfect grades) is just like my husband was.

The frustrating thing is that he doesn’t accept that he has ADHD and won’t get help. He thinks he’s managing fine. I see what a difference diagnosis and treatment has made to our child and I truly do understand why he won’t get help. It would be great for me but it would probably improve his life a lot too. [/quote]

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