s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

*nods grimly*

[Anonymous]

The person or their family grew up socially isolated or have a strong need to control. Rigidity in behavior and beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

Some can handle marriage with the right partner but kids can send them over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Red and orange flags are always there for you to see if you are a legal voting age adult, average intelligence, high school graduate ... unless you are choosing to ignore or pretend those flags aren't there because they are so beautiful, so handsome, so tall, so wealthy, so intelligent, so sexy, so funny, so successful, or you feel you aren't pretty, handsome, tall, successful, educated, wealthy, young, or in any other way not desirable enough and must settle.

[Anonymous]

Don’t listen to people and resources that tell you to be less exacting. That was my mistake. I saw problematic traits and felt that nagging concern in my gut, but I let myself get worn down by advice that no one’s perfect and I need to stop sweating the “small” stuff.

Now, none of the people who advised me to focus on “bigger” things and hang on to a “good” man are here dealing with a terrible husband and depressing marriage. It’s just me trying to extricate myself from a borderline sociopath.

[Anonymous]

I know a therapist who has 2 failed marriages under her belt, one to an abusive partner, one to an alcoholic. And she wasn’t too young either, and she didn’t come from a dysfunctional family. So sometimes you may have all the “tools” to recognize when a partner is bad news and you somehow stay with them anyway.

I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Live with someone for a couple of years. Don't excuse or forgive the red flags. Substance abuse is a HUGE red flag. Don't even live with or marry a drinker, smoker or drugged. Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has a f'd up family.

Check their credit score and resume. Ask about previous relationships and why they ended. There are warnings of mental instability.

If they are violent with people, run. If they break stuff when anger run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to people and resources that tell you to be less exacting. That was my mistake. I saw problematic traits and felt that nagging concern in my gut, but I let myself get worn down by advice that no one’s perfect and I need to stop sweating the “small” stuff.

Now, none of the people who advised me to focus on “bigger” things and hang on to a “good” man are here dealing with a terrible husband and depressing marriage. It’s just me trying to extricate myself from a borderline sociopath.

But if you had listened to your gut and NOT found an appropriate partner, guess what, everyone would have been tsk-tsking about how you are too picky, etc. How many threads on here are marveling at these women who never found a partner and how it’s all their own fault?

It’s not. We can’t win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red and orange flags are always there for you to see if you are a legal voting age adult, average intelligence, high school graduate ... unless you are choosing to ignore or pretend those flags aren't there because they are so beautiful, so handsome, so tall, so wealthy, so intelligent, so sexy, so funny, so successful, or you feel you aren't pretty, handsome, tall, successful, educated, wealthy, young, or in any other way not desirable enough and must settle.

My mother was emotionally distant and I didn’t connect the dots until I was about 30. Shortly after I realized I had chosen a partner who was like my mother. Jesus Christ.

OP, I think the best way to safeguard against a horrible partner is to work on yourself. Lots of therapy. Know who you are and what you want. Know your boundaries. Have good friends. Have your house and your awesome career all on your own. You won’t ignore the orange and red flags if you’ve invested the time in yourself first.

[Anonymous]

My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

NP.

It’s not about age. It’s about life lessons that enable good decision making. Some people have to learn these lessons the hard way, but parents can do a lot to instill that wisdom.

Work hard at parenting in a way that gives your kids self-worth, strong boundaries, and confidence. Lack of self-worth is why women like me did not trust our own gut, lack of boundaries is why we did not walk away until red flags became glaring problems, and lack of confidence is why we did not resist social pressure to hang on to a “good” man.

Teach your kids to trust themselves by trusting them first. Teach your kids what good boundaries are by respecting their boundaries even when it’s more convenient not to. Teach your kids that it’s actually good to walk away from bad people and bad situations, and that they don’t need a “good” reason to decide they just don’t want someone in their life. Their discomfort is enough reason. Don’t pressure them to give second chances or ignore their discomfort in order to be “fair” to others. Outright tell them that hanging on for dear life to anyone or anything in the name of perseverance is a form of self abuse and is not praise worthy.

[Anonymous]

My soon to be ex-DH was the picture of stability and responsibility for years, but also a workaholic who could easily forget about other people and his own needs. I covered for him and tried to help for years but he was taking such a huge toll on my own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to people and resources that tell you to be less exacting. That was my mistake. I saw problematic traits and felt that nagging concern in my gut, but I let myself get worn down by advice that no one’s perfect and I need to stop sweating the “small” stuff.

Now, none of the people who advised me to focus on “bigger” things and hang on to a “good” man are here dealing with a terrible husband and depressing marriage. It’s just me trying to extricate myself from a borderline sociopath.

But if you had listened to your gut and NOT found an appropriate partner, guess what, everyone would have been tsk-tsking about how you are too picky, etc. How many threads on here are marveling at these women who never found a partner and how it’s all their own fault?

It’s not. We can’t win.

You’re exactly right and the sooner we women realize this, the sooner we can stop playing the game. We’re going to be judged harshly no matter what. Better to be judged for being true to yourself and listening to your gut. I know unhappily single women and unhappily married women. The unhappily married women are MUCH unhappier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.

Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.