s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

Truly awful.

Know your limits.

No one wants to see their HFA adult child verbally abusing his wife and kids because he can’t stop flipping out.

No one wants their divorced HFA adult child dumping his kid custody on elderly parents or new girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

They can get supervised custody time. If they do they are ordered to pay $200/hr for the court order supervisor. That or someone already paid and approved by the courts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

Truly awful.

Know your limits.

No one wants to see their HFA adult child verbally abusing his wife and kids because he can’t stop flipping out.

No one wants their divorced HFA adult child dumping his kid custody on elderly parents or new girlfriends.

Yes, I am sorry that has been your family's experience.

[Anonymous]

I lived with my DH for a year and half before we married (eloped). Why did we elope? His family disowned him for marrying outside of their religion. My family disowned me for marrying outside of my religion. Fast forward 20 plus years, very happy in our relationship and have a great family with our children. We unfortunately have no relationship with our extended family, not because of mental illness on either side, just basic nut jobs who are inflexible. It truly was better for both of us to escape the craziness and I have no regrets. My point is, family estrangement is not always about a diagnosed/undiagnosed mental illness, it can be so much more than that as evidenced on these boards.

[Anonymous]

Great PP, start your own religious intermarriage thread and how to dump your family of origin for pushing religious constraints on who you marry. Don't upset the Jewish people though.

This thread is about how to screen out Mentally Disordered people.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative who presents as charming and friendly to people in general, but can be bitingly nasty to family members. As she gets older, I’ve observed that she seems less able/willing to hide her less than charming qualities from outsiders. I think she might have some kind of personality disorder.

She has never married. I wonder if people she dated were able to pick up that something was not right underneath her facade and ran from any relationship with her. If so, good for them! She became very angry at me and some other family members when we refused to dance to her tune, I can’t imagine how she would treat a significant other.

[Anonymous]

I would observe parents of him and their relationship and his observations of their relationship. My ex-in-laws fought all the time. My marriage was the same. I think my ex was surprised after years of couples counseling and saying I wasn’t happy that I finally left, because in his world people just stay together without working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not serious about the “in sickness and in health” part, then just don’t get married.

No one of any religion or culture needs to stay married to an emotionally abusive mentally disordered person.

Don’t accommodate dysfunction.

Their parent should have gotten them professional help. Too late now.

I agree with you. I posted about my ex husband and how he developed bipolar disorder in his early 30s with the birth of our daughter. The mania was something I do not wish on anyway. I supported him for over ten years but he would not stay on his meds and he drank. He caused a lot of destruction to our lives and those around him. “In sickness and in health” is ridiculous when you are being abused by a manic partner who doesn’t even remember their actions when they are in it. Clearly the PP has never experienced serious mental illness and dysfunction.

+1. That was just MRA incel posting about how everyone should stay with murderers, mental cases and abusers because “sickness and health.” He’s just stirring the pot with his nonsense.

Wow, people who love and value their spouses in spite of illness (including mental) must be incel MRA trolls in your world? You must be one of those mentally ill DC liberal women a different PP mentioned, because that take is batsh!t crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.

I think healthy men and women will increasing add this concern to what they’re looking for in a mate- managing their mental disorders, weeding out those with serious disorders, seeing how their childhood handled it or did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

My husband was diagnosed with autism this year at age 45. We are 16 years into the marriage. We dated for 6 years before we got married. The signs were there but they weren’t super noticeable until life got really hectic. The anxiety tripled after kids, mortgage, home renovations. He couldn’t cope, developed a drinking problem. The friendships he had in college and early adulthood faded as he got older. He is awful at making small talk with other parents at sporting events. He doesn’t consider other people’s feelings at all and does things like sleeping until 9am every single morning while I’m juggling getting multiple kids out the door. When approached he acts like I’m ridiculous. He has an incredible career and went to an Ivy League. He is tall and attractive. But he has no depth. No consideration for others. Lots of anxiety and depression. And is an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. One of our children also has autism. I hope he never gets married.

Truly awful.

Know your limits.

No one wants to see their HFA adult child verbally abusing his wife and kids because he can’t stop flipping out.

No one wants their divorced HFA adult child dumping his kid custody on elderly parents or new girlfriends.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a person needs to look very very closely at the potential spouse’s family of origin. Does he get along with his parents- if not, why not? Siblings? How is the parents’ relationship if still together? If divorced- why? Anyone have mental health issues, substance abuse issues, etc- if so, how have those been handled? Does this person have a good family support system, all things considered? What types of stories does he tell about his childhood?

IMO 90%+ of the time, you will find your answer there. The warning signs will be there if you look.

That doesn’t mean any mental health or family relationship issues are an automatic disqualifier- not at all. But if there are any red flags one would be wise to take those seriously and investigate further.

And make them plan a vacation for you by themselves.