How do you marry these people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally the person you see as a jerk has some good points that their partner values. When I look at my friends' husbands, and hear my friends complain about them, their bad points are made quite visible to me. But I know, intellectually, that they are good providers, love their wife and kids (one is indeed the primary parent), and even though they have their bad points (anger management problems, workaholism, two were/are devout anti-abortion Catholic whose wives ended up needing an abortion!)... The good outweighs the bad, for my friends.

My point is that there's a difference between men you wouldn't want to live with, but other women would be fine living with, who are decent human beings at heart; and jerks with no redeeming features who objectively NO ONE would want to live with. The jerks are actually quite rare.

We all have different flaws we're OK with, essentially. My very high-IQ husband has autism, and all the social misunderstandings that come with it. Would YOU tolerate that? Maybe not. I do. He cares a lot for me, even though he also infuriates me.

It's complicated.

This is such a wise post. My husband had anger issues throughout our relationship, but it’s not like it was his only characteristic. There were other things that were important to me and I loved about him, and by the time the anger and belittling behavior actually became intolerable, we had already been married 15 years. I told him it was therapy or I was gone, and he got his act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

I suppose when you are one like yourself, you can recognize one.

Okay so I tell you about my experience with one so that makes me one? Good one 👍🏾

Because you don’t have the ability to diagnose and just saying someone is.
If you can diagnose, so can we diagnose you as one. 😘

Go ahead and diagnose me, random internet stranger. Enjoy 🥰🥰🥰

Go ahead and diagnose everyone. Maybe you can tell your therapist and your ex’s mommy and daddy’s and siblings, and your book reading gives you the credentials to do so. You’re special and know more than doctors. They should ask you. 😘😘😘

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

No- So, you don’t have the knowledge to diagnose and just throw that word around.

A textbook narcissist is a textbook narcissist. If someone shows consistent classic signs of depression, they are depressed whether they are officially diagnosed or not. You don’t need to be offended by that, especially when it has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to argue with me what I experienced and even name call unless you need clout and +1’s from random internet friends. Unless….

For some reason my post sharing my experience of being a victim of narcissism (a real thing) really offended you. Why? Another trait of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Just sayin.

And oh the irony that you can’t let it go that I’m not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose, yet you call me a psycho.

I also want to add that I am sooo grateful for my experience with my ex who was a narcissist. I am now married to a wonderful man and I’m living the dream!!! I just wanted to give some insight to the OP who had a great question!! To the haters who are literally dragging me for discussing my experience, I can see why you are here in this thread! If you continue to nitpick and look for things to argue about and split hairs to every statement ever said, you’ll continue to have a miserable marriage/life. Have a wonderful Sunday evening 💖💖💖💖💖💖

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

+1. My husband has changed and become a person I would not have spent 5 minutes on when I was looking for a partner.

My DH is becoming a complainer. I can’t think of another personality trait that I hate more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

+1. My husband has changed and become a person I would not have spent 5 minutes on when I was looking for a partner.

My DH is becoming a complainer. I can’t think of another personality trait that I hate more.

How do you stand it? Do you just tell him to go outside or leave the house or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

There is truth to this, but there is also no need to discourage young people from marrying a high school or college sweetheart. I married mine after 5 years of dating, but I actually had friends who encouraged me to dump him to play the field even though we were always happy! We've been married 15 years and we're still super happy.

I think a lot of people settle when they're in their early-mid 30s and the bio clock is ticking.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

No- So, you don’t have the knowledge to diagnose and just throw that word around.

A textbook narcissist is a textbook narcissist. If someone shows consistent classic signs of depression, they are depressed whether they are officially diagnosed or not. You don’t need to be offended by that, especially when it has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to argue with me what I experienced and even name call unless you need clout and +1’s from random internet friends. Unless….

For some reason my post sharing my experience of being a victim of narcissism (a real thing) really offended you. Why? Another trait of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Just sayin.

And oh the irony that you can’t let it go that I’m not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose, yet you call me a psycho.

Glad you see the irony. That was the point, honey. I mean Dr Google.

Haha right I’m sure it was 😂😂
And nice job admitting to your sock puppeting. Now I know it’s only one very triggered hater. Surely multiple people wouldn’t care this much about me saying my ex was a narcissist. I hope your life gets better and it’s okay to get help 🫶🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

There is truth to this, but there is also no need to discourage young people from marrying a high school or college sweetheart. I married mine after 5 years of dating, but I actually had friends who encouraged me to dump him to play the field even though we were always happy! We've been married 15 years and we're still super happy.

I think a lot of people settle when they're in their early-mid 30s and the bio clock is ticking.

This^.

Are they really settling, though? Do they have so many choices (as to consider it "settling")?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

No- So, you don’t have the knowledge to diagnose and just throw that word around.

A textbook narcissist is a textbook narcissist. If someone shows consistent classic signs of depression, they are depressed whether they are officially diagnosed or not. You don’t need to be offended by that, especially when it has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to argue with me what I experienced and even name call unless you need clout and +1’s from random internet friends. Unless….

For some reason my post sharing my experience of being a victim of narcissism (a real thing) really offended you. Why? Another trait of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Just sayin.

And oh the irony that you can’t let it go that I’m not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose, yet you call me a psycho.

I also want to add that I am sooo grateful for my experience with my ex who was a narcissist. I am now married to a wonderful man and I’m living the dream!!! I just wanted to give some insight to the OP who had a great question!! To the haters who are literally dragging me for discussing my experience, I can see why you are here in this thread! If you continue to nitpick and look for things to argue about and split hairs to every statement ever said, you’ll continue to have a miserable marriage/life. Have a wonderful Sunday evening 💖💖💖💖💖💖

You need to look up the word literally. Literally dragging you down cannot happen on a forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

No- So, you don’t have the knowledge to diagnose and just throw that word around.

A textbook narcissist is a textbook narcissist. If someone shows consistent classic signs of depression, they are depressed whether they are officially diagnosed or not. You don’t need to be offended by that, especially when it has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to argue with me what I experienced and even name call unless you need clout and +1’s from random internet friends. Unless….

For some reason my post sharing my experience of being a victim of narcissism (a real thing) really offended you. Why? Another trait of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Just sayin.

And oh the irony that you can’t let it go that I’m not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose, yet you call me a psycho.

I also want to add that I am sooo grateful for my experience with my ex who was a narcissist. I am now married to a wonderful man and I’m living the dream!!! I just wanted to give some insight to the OP who had a great question!! To the haters who are literally dragging me for discussing my experience, I can see why you are here in this thread! If you continue to nitpick and look for things to argue about and split hairs to every statement ever said, you’ll continue to have a miserable marriage/life. Have a wonderful Sunday evening 💖💖💖💖💖💖

Oh, now you pretend to know what is happening in anonymous people’s marriages. You must moonlight as a crystal ball reader after you play Dr. Google.

[Anonymous]

People make really bad choices all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

Touchy!! Did I hit a nerve? Have you been called a narcissist time and time again by others who aren’t doctors? Hmmm. Well another thing about most narcissists is they believe their selfish thoughts are the only truth and gaslight everyone else around them to make them feel as they are crazy and also have an inflated sense of self worth on top of that, so they are extremely hard to ever get a diagnosis from a doctor because they would never go to one because they think they are fine and are oh so offended when one would even suggest getting help, thus making them extremely hard to treat. Does that sound familiar?

I’ve read many books, discussed with my own therapist who agreed with NPD, as did his own parents and siblings. Regardless, when you live with one they are very easy to spot once they take off the mask.

No- So, you don’t have the knowledge to diagnose and just throw that word around.

A textbook narcissist is a textbook narcissist. If someone shows consistent classic signs of depression, they are depressed whether they are officially diagnosed or not. You don’t need to be offended by that, especially when it has nothing to do with you. There is no reason for you to argue with me what I experienced and even name call unless you need clout and +1’s from random internet friends. Unless….

For some reason my post sharing my experience of being a victim of narcissism (a real thing) really offended you. Why? Another trait of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Just sayin.

And oh the irony that you can’t let it go that I’m not a doctor and can’t officially diagnose, yet you call me a psycho.

I also want to add that I am sooo grateful for my experience with my ex who was a narcissist. I am now married to a wonderful man and I’m living the dream!!! I just wanted to give some insight to the OP who had a great question!! To the haters who are literally dragging me for discussing my experience, I can see why you are here in this thread! If you continue to nitpick and look for things to argue about and split hairs to every statement ever said, you’ll continue to have a miserable marriage/life. Have a wonderful Sunday evening 💖💖💖💖💖💖

You need to look up the word literally. Literally dragging you down cannot happen on a forum.

*Literally* looking for things to argue about and splitting hairs to every statement ever said, just as I said upthread. Ugh, your poor family 😟

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I settled. I was taught you aren't going to get everything so if he meets 51% of your criteria, that's good enough. He was gentle, kind, stable. Or so I thought. Five years later, after two kids, I learned of his lying and deception. I stuck it out for the kids. Five years later, he has taken off his mask completely and become emotionally abusive towards me. I stay because of the kids. He is mentally unstable but he is a therapist so he will get 50/50 or so I fear. I don't need his money. I outearn him. I need my kids to be protected. I have 385 weeks left. I am doing the best I can.

I’m so sorry. Sending you big hugs PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people change.

Sometimes a behavior might be manageable, only mildly frustrating when you are dating, but becomes an absolute nightmare when you hit some of the challenges of marriage, including: kids, medical or mental health issues, financial issues, professional stress, etc. For this I think of the many people who post on here talking about spouses who it turns out have untreated ADHD that really did not become apparent until they had kids and they realized their spouse had absolutely no ability to juggle parenthood and a job.

Agree with PP that sometimes people marry someone who might not be a good fit because they are worried they won't find someone else.

Also I think of people who have incredibly low self esteem but actually have a ton going for them (smart, attractive, hard working, kind). and wind up with people who don't appreciate them because they don't know their own worth. I think people in this category often had abuse or neglect in their childhood and are repeating patterns.

My DH's anger issues didn't emerge until we had kids whom disrupted his orderly, quiet life. I feel like our marriage will improve when we get to the empty next stage (not too long now).

[Anonymous]

Because we’re all learning? Because marriage is a social construct premised on “sticking it out” and “it’s hard work” and “real commitment” - so how are we supposed to know when too much work is too much? Or that relationships aren’t actually supposed to feel bad some / most of the time?

Because none of us know the future and we’re all flawed and human?