How do you marry these people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

There is truth to this, but there is also no need to discourage young people from marrying a high school or college sweetheart. I married mine after 5 years of dating, but I actually had friends who encouraged me to dump him to play the field even though we were always happy! We've been married 15 years and we're still super happy.

I think a lot of people settle when they're in their early-mid 30s and the bio clock is ticking.

I married my college sweetheart. But we waited until we had been together for 5 years before committing to marriage. In my social circle, the most stable marriages seem to be from people who met when they were younger (college, grad school). I think there's something about growing together that sometimes you're better able to manage when you aren't "set in your ways."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we’re all learning? Because marriage is a social construct premised on “sticking it out” and “it’s hard work” and “real commitment” - so how are we supposed to know when too much work is too much? Or that relationships aren’t actually supposed to feel bad some / most of the time?

Because none of us know the future and we’re all flawed and human?

This. DH isn't a bad person, but he's a bad partner now that kids are in the picture. When we were DINKS, life was easy and neither of us really had to compromise on anything.

[Anonymous]

I thought I knew what I wanted and needed in a partner when I met DH at 29. I think I didn’t know myself nearly as much as I thought.

I was very focused on finding someone to marry and have babies with.

Dating was horrible.

I wasn’t good at being alone.

DH was the best of all the guys I dated, but that isn’t saying much.

[Anonymous]

I almost married someone like this, but thankfully I didn’t.

I think it often boils down to women accommodating poor treatment. Like the PP who ignored her instincts about pink (red) flags because her friend said it wasn’t important. It really doesn’t matter what other people think, if you are unhappy with how a man is treating you, then it’s time to leave. I’m going to teach my daughters (and son, but it’s more important for girls) to know their self worth and not put up with unacceptable behaviors from romantic partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I settled. I was taught you aren't going to get everything so if he meets 51% of your criteria, that's good enough. He was gentle, kind, stable. Or so I thought. Five years later, after two kids, I learned of his lying and deception. I stuck it out for the kids. Five years later, he has taken off his mask completely and become emotionally abusive towards me. I stay because of the kids. He is mentally unstable but he is a therapist so he will get 50/50 or so I fear. I don't need his money. I outearn him. I need my kids to be protected. I have 385 weeks left. I am doing the best I can.

Watching their father abuse their mother is a horrible way to grow up.

It will undoubtedly scar your children!s ability to choose a healthy partner/relationship.

Please stop saying you are “staying for the kids.”

That decision is damaging your kids.

There may be safety issues re: the kids alone with DH 50% of the time. Sometimes there are no "good" choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

There is truth to this, but there is also no need to discourage young people from marrying a high school or college sweetheart. I married mine after 5 years of dating, but I actually had friends who encouraged me to dump him to play the field even though we were always happy! We've been married 15 years and we're still super happy.

I think a lot of people settle when they're in their early-mid 30s and the bio clock is ticking.

I married my college sweetheart. But we waited until we had been together for 5 years before committing to marriage. In my social circle, the most stable marriages seem to be from people who met when they were younger (college, grad school). I think there's something about growing together that sometimes you're better able to manage when you aren't "set in your ways."

What about people who marry when they are closer to 40 than 20?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

+1. My husband has changed and become a person I would not have spent 5 minutes on when I was looking for a partner.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I knew what I wanted and needed in a partner when I met DH at 29. I think I didn’t know myself nearly as much as I thought.

I was very focused on finding someone to marry and have babies with.

Dating was horrible.

I wasn’t good at being alone.

DH was the best of all the guys I dated, but that isn’t saying much.

This is me too, except he wasn't the best of all guys I dated. He was just the best one I was dating when I was 29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I settled. I was taught you aren't going to get everything so if he meets 51% of your criteria, that's good enough. He was gentle, kind, stable. Or so I thought. Five years later, after two kids, I learned of his lying and deception. I stuck it out for the kids. Five years later, he has taken off his mask completely and become emotionally abusive towards me. I stay because of the kids. He is mentally unstable but he is a therapist so he will get 50/50 or so I fear. I don't need his money. I outearn him. I need my kids to be protected. I have 385 weeks left. I am doing the best I can.

You stay because of the kids? Get out because of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us get married in our 20s and 30s when we have yet to face the true hardships of life (kids, health issues, death, elder care, financial realities). Many people can hold it together and appear extremely well adjusted when the only thing they have to do in life is hold down a job, and pay the rent and do life tasks for one person.

I married someone who seemed extremely with it. Well kept apartment, good job he was satisfied with, even keeled emotionally, intelligent and sociable. Turns out he has zero distress tolerance, cannot process any negative emotions (everything needs to be good all the time, there literally can’t be any problems), has great need to control everything so no “problems” emerge, and an utmost need to convey perfection to the outside world.

NONE of this was apparent when dating, probably because we didnt have any major life problems at the time and dating mostly consisted of doing fun things together. When we moved in together, there were some pink flags, but those pink flags meant instead of our relationship feeling 100% solid it felt 98% solid, and the 2% felt workable, and also why would I throw out a great relationship for 2% imperfection? (And friends I confided in were also like yeah that all doesn’t sound like a big deal, just something to work through).

By the time the red flags were flapping in the wind I was trapped in an abusive relationship and too afraid to share my situation with people because my husband was so beloved in our friend circle and I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to realistically avoid relationships like this. When the pink flags emerge, I don’t think there’s always a way to know when these are just the normal imperfections everyone has that have to be dealt with and worked through in a relationship or the tip of the iceberg of dysfunctional behavior that will escalate over time.

I think what you teach young people is that anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships, it is not a moral failing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is once the flags turn red, trust your gut and get out and confide in friends. The strength is not in avoiding these relationships, but being able to get out once you find yourself in one.

This is basically it. Under stress people run on autopilot using coping patterns they learned in early childhood. You don't really know someone until you see how they handle stress. You can get a decent idea though if you pay close attention. Little chance your low distress tolerance DH was not ridgid/inflexible before marriage, you just did not give enough weight to the little things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us get married in our 20s and 30s when we have yet to face the true hardships of life (kids, health issues, death, elder care, financial realities). Many people can hold it together and appear extremely well adjusted when the only thing they have to do in life is hold down a job, and pay the rent and do life tasks for one person.

I married someone who seemed extremely with it. Well kept apartment, good job he was satisfied with, even keeled emotionally, intelligent and sociable. Turns out he has zero distress tolerance, cannot process any negative emotions (everything needs to be good all the time, there literally can’t be any problems), has great need to control everything so no “problems” emerge, and an utmost need to convey perfection to the outside world.

NONE of this was apparent when dating, probably because we didnt have any major life problems at the time and dating mostly consisted of doing fun things together. When we moved in together, there were some pink flags, but those pink flags meant instead of our relationship feeling 100% solid it felt 98% solid, and the 2% felt workable, and also why would I throw out a great relationship for 2% imperfection? (And friends I confided in were also like yeah that all doesn’t sound like a big deal, just something to work through).

By the time the red flags were flapping in the wind I was trapped in an abusive relationship and too afraid to share my situation with people because my husband was so beloved in our friend circle and I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to realistically avoid relationships like this. When the pink flags emerge, I don’t think there’s always a way to know when these are just the normal imperfections everyone has that have to be dealt with and worked through in a relationship or the tip of the iceberg of dysfunctional behavior that will escalate over time.

I think what you teach young people is that anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships, it is not a moral failing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is once the flags turn red, trust your gut and get out and confide in friends. The strength is not in avoiding these relationships, but being able to get out once you find yourself in one.

+1 This is spot on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of us get married in our 20s and 30s when we have yet to face the true hardships of life (kids, health issues, death, elder care, financial realities). Many people can hold it together and appear extremely well adjusted when the only thing they have to do in life is hold down a job, and pay the rent and do life tasks for one person.

I married someone who seemed extremely with it. Well kept apartment, good job he was satisfied with, even keeled emotionally, intelligent and sociable. Turns out he has zero distress tolerance, cannot process any negative emotions (everything needs to be good all the time, there literally can’t be any problems), has great need to control everything so no “problems” emerge, and an utmost need to convey perfection to the outside world.

NONE of this was apparent when dating, probably because we didnt have any major life problems at the time and dating mostly consisted of doing fun things together. When we moved in together, there were some pink flags, but those pink flags meant instead of our relationship feeling 100% solid it felt 98% solid, and the 2% felt workable, and also why would I throw out a great relationship for 2% imperfection? (And friends I confided in were also like yeah that all doesn’t sound like a big deal, just something to work through).

By the time the red flags were flapping in the wind I was trapped in an abusive relationship and too afraid to share my situation with people because my husband was so beloved in our friend circle and I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to realistically avoid relationships like this. When the pink flags emerge, I don’t think there’s always a way to know when these are just the normal imperfections everyone has that have to be dealt with and worked through in a relationship or the tip of the iceberg of dysfunctional behavior that will escalate over time.

I think what you teach young people is that anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships, it is not a moral failing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is once the flags turn red, trust your gut and get out and confide in friends. The strength is not in avoiding these relationships, but being able to get out once you find yourself in one.

This is basically it. Under stress people run on autopilot using coping patterns they learned in early childhood. You don't really know someone until you see how they handle stress. You can get a decent idea though if you pay close attention. Little chance your low distress tolerance DH was not ridgid/inflexible before marriage, you just did not give enough weight to the little things.

Or maybe by then she loved him? And gave him the benefit of the doubt BECAUSE she loved him? I know very few women on this board are capable of loving another person but some of us are saddled with this affliction and we have to deal with it.