Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

I hope you parented your son on this. I fully support children asking questions and really I support them pushing for answers. But I also expect them to be sensitive to others and recognize signals and topics that are inappropriate for dinner.

To be clear, I would still want to have that conversation with my son, it’s not like the whole situation is off limits. That doesn’t mean he can interrogate the brother at the table.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone assume mental illness? He might just have a strong preference for leisure that his parents have enabled.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I have an older sibling who is actually well educated, but completely enmeshed with mommy and has been enabled her whole life. Anything she doesn't like from me or any relative, she tells elderly mommy who starts a whole family drama. She now has mommy paying for all sorts of expenses because she got fired from her job for being too entitled. She used to tattle on me for the most inane things and I just am over it. I have too much stress in my life. We distanced. Kids don't miss her at all. Unfortunately, mommy doesn't want a relationship with me if I am not willing to cater to princess so I leave the door open, but honestly nobody misses her either.

[Anonymous]

This is how it really plays out. OP constantly criticizes and talks about her brother and child repeated it.

[Anonymous]

They sound vastly coddling and overprotective of him. He’s not disabled? Surely he’s heard friends and other people ask the same question.

I’ve been self employed for two decades and at one time was a stay at home parent. I get how that question can be awkward for people without W2s, but it’s a typical small talk thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume mental illness? He might just have a strong preference for leisure that his parents have enabled.

Because even people with disabilities have jobs in their 40s. Depression and other mental illnesses frequently result in social withdrawal that impacts employment. It’s a logical conclusion based on how OP has described the situation. Just being lazy and itinerant is a character issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume mental illness? He might just have a strong preference for leisure that his parents have enabled.

Because even people with disabilities have jobs in their 40s. Depression and other mental illnesses frequently result in social withdrawal that impacts employment. It’s a logical conclusion based on how OP has described the situation. Just being lazy and itinerant is a character issue.

I know plenty of failure to launch adults. All enabled by the parents. There is nothing wrong with these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

Here we go.

[Anonymous]

Team 7 yr old all the way .
The OPs parents need to face the music about their son and his challenges. They have blinders on and expect a kid to apologize for being a kid.
OP, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You are a good daughter , sister and mom.

[Anonymous]

If this isn’t fake, the idea of a 7-year-old grilling his uncle about what he does all day seems really inorganic. Kids don’t sit around thinking about this shit.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're on a trajectory here and the awkward part is that you're midway on that trajectory.

Where you're coming from, what your brother is doing is treated as normal and only someone terrible would raise questions about it. As a result, you haven't discussed it directly in real terms at home (with your 7 yo or just within earshot) because you have no language to use in discussing it appropriately.

Where you're going to, you will understand that your brother has untreated mental illness and either make peace with your parents' refusal to deal with it or substantially distance yourself from them. As a result, you won't discuss it much at home because the answers will all be clear.

In the middle, where you are now, your brother is dysfunctional, your parents are in denial, you are angry about it, you may or may not be carping about it "in private" (that is: in your home, when your brother is not around and your kid may be). And your kid is sharp enough to notice all of this and asking questions.

My best advice to you is to do what you need to to get from A to B as fast as possible. Another generation of kid in your family being raised in that middle space where things are odd but no one knows or will say why isn't the outcome you want.

Your anger will be the biggest obstacle to fast progress here.

[Anonymous]

I had an uncle that always lived with his patents, he worked at department stores from time to time. It’s unusual to meet an adult that just never works. Kids want to know about adult careers because they are expected to have jobs when they grow up for money. I’m surprised you do not know why your brother doesn’t work. I may do a false apology “hey bro, dc just wants to know more about careers, sorry it made you sad” but I would not make dc apologize. I’ve floated between jobs and stayed at home for a few years with kids, and I would always answer that question honestly. Seriously how does he spend all his time?

[Anonymous]

Start the discussion with parents about their long term care and all that comes with it (brother). There should be a directive in place, will or trust, POA, medical proxy executor/trustee and beneficiaries in place. If your brother plans to be that person, you need to make your absolutes known and legally documented. When parents are gone will he get the house? When they need extensive care, is he the caregiver? I’d worry about being saddled with the responsibility of parents and brother. I lived through this as the youngest of three. I was always the caregiver. My parents are gone and my job is done, or so I thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how it really plays out. OP constantly criticizes and talks about her brother and child repeated it.

So this whole post feels fake. I say that as someone who has a nonproductive brother, enabling parents, and children. Jobs aren’t really on most seven years olds because no one is working when a 7 year old is chatting during evening and on the weekends. The idea that OP’s brother doesn’t engage with the kid has nothing to do with formal work and it’s not a logical connection for a 7 year old. It also strikes me as fake that the brother was “shamed” and then complained to his parents. In my experience, people who feel shame, don’t usually hit the issue head on. But to the extent any of this happened (unlikely), then it is because OP is disparaging her brother in her kids’ presence. Just out of decency, she should stop doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

DP and I'm thinking you don't know any seven year olds.