Am I asking for too much?

[Anonymous]

I'm happily married with two kids. After a stressful day of work and parenting, we don't necessarily feel like talking to each other every day. OP is unreasonable and if I was BF I'd already be checked out of the relationship based on this "request".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had GF like this and it was fine because it really as just a check in.

If we had something to discuss we did, but otherwise I knew it wasn't going to turn into a 30 minute conversation where I'm dying for a pause to head into the "I'll let you go now" routine that could take another 10-15 mins.

OP here. That is how I see it as a check in. I’ve always had those in serious relationships. It’s never been something I’ve had to discuss before. The relationship just naturally evolved into that once we realized we were into each other. I see it as similar to a good morning text. I don’t think it’s controlling at all when me and a partner have a check-in routine. No one is making the other person do it. We are doing it because we want to connect and don’t want the other person to worry. It helps to lay a groundwork of consistency in the relationship in my opinion. It’s the precursor to a partner coming home every night should the relationship get to living together.

It is absolutely nothing like a good morning text. And you are not doing it because you want to connect, you're doing it because you are insecure and controlling.

OP, you wrote, "Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home." So you wouldn't believe he is home if he doesn't prove it?

You also wrote, "on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element." That is, frankly, nuts.

Another PP hit the nail on the head - if this were a man requiring this of a woman, it would (correctly) be viewed as controlling and a massive red flag. And the fact that you think it is completely normal, and don't feel like you're in a monogamous relationship without this, is just as big a red flag.

Agree with this poster. OP, if you need to check up o your partner in order to feel secure, that's a you problem. It's needy at best and controlling at worst. Honestly, if I had a boyfriend who thought I needed to phone him every night in order for him to know I wasn't cheating on him, I'd run like hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

She’s only been with him 6 months. It’s a little different than long marriage. Seems premature to be making this kind of request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

You actually got there at the end, and didn't even realize it. You and your husband call and text because you want to. It isn't an obligation. Surely you can see the difference between that and "I require a call in the evenings so you can prove to me that you are home - otherwise, I don't feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship?"

OP here. I agree with PP it should not be a request, and it’s never had to be in the past. If someone is interested in me they’ve always eventually gotten into the habit of us calling one another at night. The reason why I considered talking about it to my current boyfriend is because I do in fact like him. And figured we should at least communicate before determining that this was a dealbreaker. Neither of us had to be wrong. We can just have different communication needs/preferences and not be a good match because of it. I hate texting for instance, but I compromise and do it because he says that he needs that.

[Anonymous]

Guy here and at 6 months we talking everyday. Odd that wouldn’t be a natural progression at this point in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

You are being extremely needy. Especially at 43.
I would never behave this way. Not even in my 20s. I am 46.

I hope you stop seeing him so reasonable women have a chance with him.

[Anonymous]

I would never expect to receive a text every day AND a phone call every day.

At 6 months, you can want whatever you want -- but you may not be a match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there could be generational differences with the responses. Younger people do nightly FaceTime. It’s pretty common. No more controlling than waking up and sending a have a nice day text. It just says hey I’m thinking about you, how was your day, making sure you’re safe.

Op is 43. She ain't younger people. And this is not "I am thinking about you," it is "here is my nightly obligation call to reassure you that I am not cheating on you, and am tucked in safe and sound." That's going to poison the relationship quickly, particularly after he realizes that she is still requiring this confirmation "on the nights he has his 11 yo."

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

She’s only been with him 6 months. It’s a little different than long marriage. Seems premature to be making this kind of request.

+1. This is not comparable in any way to a marriage. They have been dating 6 months. This is WAY too needy at this juncture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

You actually got there at the end, and didn't even realize it. You and your husband call and text because you want to. It isn't an obligation. Surely you can see the difference between that and "I require a call in the evenings so you can prove to me that you are home - otherwise, I don't feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship?"

OP here. I agree with PP it should not be a request, and it’s never had to be in the past. If someone is interested in me they’ve always eventually gotten into the habit of us calling one another at night. The reason why I considered talking about it to my current boyfriend is because I do in fact like him. And figured we should at least communicate before determining that this was a dealbreaker. Neither of us had to be wrong. We can just have different communication needs/preferences and not be a good match because of it. I hate texting for instance, but I compromise and do it because he says that he needs that.

Oh, please. You are trying to recast this as "different communications needs/preferences" an d it's not that at all. There's so much more going on - your insecurity and controlling tendencies, primarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

Having a nightly call is for married people and is controlling behavior. You are absolutely being high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Lyz Lenz and the women at DCUM: I don't need a man.

Also women at DCUM: Am I out of line to want a nightly phone call with my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had GF like this and it was fine because it really as just a check in.

If we had something to discuss we did, but otherwise I knew it wasn't going to turn into a 30 minute conversation where I'm dying for a pause to head into the "I'll let you go now" routine that could take another 10-15 mins.

OP here. That is how I see it as a check in. I’ve always had those in serious relationships. It’s never been something I’ve had to discuss before. The relationship just naturally evolved into that once we realized we were into each other. I see it as similar to a good morning text. I don’t think it’s controlling at all when me and a partner have a check-in routine. No one is making the other person do it. We are doing it because we want to connect and don’t want the other person to worry. It helps to lay a groundwork of consistency in the relationship in my opinion. It’s the precursor to a partner coming home every night should the relationship get to living together.

It is absolutely nothing like a good morning text. And you are not doing it because you want to connect, you're doing it because you are insecure and controlling.

OP, you wrote, "Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home." So you wouldn't believe he is home if he doesn't prove it?

You also wrote, "on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element." That is, frankly, nuts.

Another PP hit the nail on the head - if this were a man requiring this of a woman, it would (correctly) be viewed as controlling and a massive red flag. And the fact that you think it is completely normal, and don't feel like you're in a monogamous relationship without this, is just as big a red flag.

Agree with this poster. OP, if you need to check up o your partner in order to feel secure, that's a you problem. It's needy at best and controlling at worst. Honestly, if I had a boyfriend who thought I needed to phone him every night in order for him to know I wasn't cheating on him, I'd run like hell.

This. I don't have time to read the entire thread but it's this. OP needs to check in on boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there could be generational differences with the responses. Younger people do nightly FaceTime. It’s pretty common. No more controlling than waking up and sending a have a nice day text. It just says hey I’m thinking about you, how was your day, making sure you’re safe.

Lol, nightly video chat is even worse! Women are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

Reasonable. I started that way with my now wife. She touches base daily if I am on business travel. I view it as a form of proof that she loves me and cares for me.