Am I asking for too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had GF like this and it was fine because it really as just a check in.

If we had something to discuss we did, but otherwise I knew it wasn't going to turn into a 30 minute conversation where I'm dying for a pause to head into the "I'll let you go now" routine that could take another 10-15 mins.

OP here. That is how I see it as a check in. I’ve always had those in serious relationships. It’s never been something I’ve had to discuss before. The relationship just naturally evolved into that once we realized we were into each other. I see it as similar to a good morning text. I don’t think it’s controlling at all when me and a partner have a check-in routine. No one is making the other person do it. We are doing it because we want to connect and don’t want the other person to worry. It helps to lay a groundwork of consistency in the relationship in my opinion. It’s the precursor to a partner coming home every night should the relationship get to living together.

It is absolutely nothing like a good morning text. And you are not doing it because you want to connect, you're doing it because you are insecure and controlling.

OP, you wrote, "Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home." So you wouldn't believe he is home if he doesn't prove it?

You also wrote, "on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element." That is, frankly, nuts.

Another PP hit the nail on the head - if this were a man requiring this of a woman, it would (correctly) be viewed as controlling and a massive red flag. And the fact that you think it is completely normal, and don't feel like you're in a monogamous relationship without this, is just as big a red flag.

[Anonymous]

"Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home. I can’t see myself moving forward in the relationship without it."

This sounds like it is coming from insecurity, which is a you problem. Sorry, but expecting a boyfriend (not living together, not married) to text you every time he goes out is not reasonable. Even if you are exclusive.

He has a daughter - do you really think he's out partying up the town? If you are worried about that, that shows that you don't trust him, which is a bigger problem than the nightly call. Whether you don't trust him b/c there's something there to really worry about, or because you are insecure and paranoid, I can't say. But you really need to think hard about this and decide whether the level of reassurance that you are asking for is really appropriate. For me, it would be a deal breaker if my partner required constant check-ins just to prove my loyalty.

Need to check in for practical reasons, like knowing whether your live-in partner will be home for dinner? That's common courtesy, and normal in married or live-in partners. But expecting that same level of constant knowledge of each other's actions 'just because I can't handle not knowing' is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

I don't think it's an a big deal, and easy enough ask. Not high maintenance necessarily. It COULD be high maintenence. But if you want a nightly call, let him know you want that and that you are going to call him every night. There you are, done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there could be generational differences with the responses. Younger people do nightly FaceTime. It’s pretty common. No more controlling than waking up and sending a have a nice day text. It just says hey I’m thinking about you, how was your day, making sure you’re safe.

Op is 43. She ain't younger people. And this is not "I am thinking about you," it is "here is my nightly obligation call to reassure you that I am not cheating on you, and am tucked in safe and sound." That's going to poison the relationship quickly, particularly after he realizes that she is still requiring this confirmation "on the nights he has his 11 yo."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

I don't think it's an a big deal, and easy enough ask. Not high maintenance necessarily. It COULD be high maintenence. But if you want a nightly call, let him know you want that and that you are going to call him every night. There you are, done.

But it might feel smothering to him if it’s not what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had GF like this and it was fine because it really as just a check in.

If we had something to discuss we did, but otherwise I knew it wasn't going to turn into a 30 minute conversation where I'm dying for a pause to head into the "I'll let you go now" routine that could take another 10-15 mins.

OP here. That is how I see it as a check in. I’ve always had those in serious relationships. It’s never been something I’ve had to discuss before. The relationship just naturally evolved into that once we realized we were into each other. I see it as similar to a good morning text. I don’t think it’s controlling at all when me and a partner have a check-in routine. No one is making the other person do it. We are doing it because we want to connect and don’t want the other person to worry. It helps to lay a groundwork of consistency in the relationship in my opinion. It’s the precursor to a partner coming home every night should the relationship get to living together.

It is absolutely nothing like a good morning text. And you are not doing it because you want to connect, you're doing it because you are insecure and controlling.

OP, you wrote, "Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home." So you wouldn't believe he is home if he doesn't prove it?

You also wrote, "on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element." That is, frankly, nuts.

Another PP hit the nail on the head - if this were a man requiring this of a woman, it would (correctly) be viewed as controlling and a massive red flag. And the fact that you think it is completely normal, and don't feel like you're in a monogamous relationship without this, is just as big a red flag.

This. As OP keeps posting it's clear it's more than just a goodnight call, it's a recon mission.

[Anonymous]

Feeling an obligation to speak every night would be annoying especially if you’re texting every day. Don’t be so needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

I'm a 48 man. That feels excessively needy to me, as would anything that felt obligatory. It would be a red flag, actually. I'd probably break up with you soon if you were forceful about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

I'm a 48 man. That feels excessively needy to me, as would anything that felt obligatory. It would be a red flag, actually. I'd probably break up with you soon if you were forceful about it.

PP above isn’t looking for marriage. Married people talk everyday. People who are dating for marriage practice getting a feel for things that would be a part of marriage, such as daily communication. If a guy finds taking for two mins a day some huge undertaking he probably wouldn’t make a good husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other."

Based on your statement above, it sounds like you are talking about ONE (maybe TWO) days a week that you don't talk on the phone but "only" text?

Yes, high maintenance!

This. Chill out, OP. He's said what he likes, which is an occasional night just to himself. You are treating it as though his taking a night a week off from talking that he is not compromising to meet your needs. But it sounds like he is meeting you more than halfway and you are the one being uncompromising.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband's first girlfriend after the divorce was like this. He broke up with her.

You are being way too needy. It's fine to want to chat on the phone at night, but to make it a nightly obligation is way too controlling.

[Anonymous]

Youre already texting every night, I think a call is high maint. You sound insecure, how is a phone call ensuring a monogamous relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other."

Based on your statement above, it sounds like you are talking about ONE (maybe TWO) days a week that you don't talk on the phone but "only" text?

Yes, high maintenance!

This. Chill out, OP. He's said what he likes, which is an occasional night just to himself. You are treating it as though his taking a night a week off from talking that he is not compromising to meet your needs. But it sounds like he is meeting you more than halfway and you are the one being uncompromising.

Agree. He sounds fine. I for one hate talking on the phone. I.also sometimes need time alone to de-stress. Let it go. If everything else is fine, this is not a hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think your request is very reasonable.

I’m 43 DH s 46. We ve been together for 14 years.
If we are apart ( different country.. ) we talk everyday .
If we r at work, we call or text at lunch or when we r done at work to tell one another that we r done and getting home ( to pick up our kid or take him somewhere or play with our cats) .
Once one of us is home first, we send each other pictures of our kid and cats. 🐈 . And yes we are home nightly.


My colleague has a stay at home wife with four kids. They r in the 50s. His wife call him a work daily, at lunch time. ( and yes they go home nightly and see each other everyn day)

I think this is a minimal request, it should not be a request. If I d be relationship with someone, I want them to like me enough to want to talk to me, meet me daily. That’s all.

You actually got there at the end, and didn't even realize it. You and your husband call and text because you want to. It isn't an obligation. Surely you can see the difference between that and "I require a call in the evenings so you can prove to me that you are home - otherwise, I don't feel like I'm in a monogamous relationship?"