Am I asking for too much?

[Anonymous]

Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

[Anonymous]

That wouldn’t fly for me because when Im with my kids I like to focus on them. I definitely don’t like phone calls much, let alone required ones. To me they would quickly become a rote chore that I resented- but he may be nothing like me so it’s hard to say.

[Anonymous]

What are the barriers to speaking nightly? Kids, work, other responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say. Some people really don’t like talking on the phone, and much prefer texting. Is he balking at it? If he doesn’t wish to speak on the phone every night, it could indeed start feeling like a chore, and that would backfire.

How is your time together? Is he demonstrative and affectionate?

[Anonymous]

I am like you OP and my boyfriend heard me and responded and now he makes time for me nightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say. Some people really don’t like talking on the phone, and much prefer texting. Is he balking at it? If he doesn’t wish to speak on the phone every night, it could indeed start feeling like a chore, and that would backfire.

How is your time together? Is he demonstrative and affectionate?

OP here. Our time together is nice. He is very affectionate. Honestly, I just need that nightly reassurance that he is home. I can’t see myself moving forward in the relationship without it. To me relationships come with compromises and trade offs. If I’m in a relationship I can’t just do whatever I want. I take the other persons needs into account. I haven’t asked for anything in this relationship that he hasn’t naturally offered. I try to put my best foot forward for him as well. For me a nightly check in is a sign that the relationship is serious. It’s hard for me to give him all the other serious stuff he wants without this.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him this? What is his response? Hard to say if you’re being unreasonable without knowing the details. Is he busy getting kids to bed and then packing lunches and cleaning etc and is just to tired to talk about his day, when nothing interesting happened?

I hate talking on the phone and this would not work for me (I’m a woman). DH and I just slowly started spending more nights together than apart, and then got engaged and now married. When one of us travels, we almost never talk on the phone unless there’s something specific to discuss. We may FaceTime to say hi to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him this? What is his response? Hard to say if you’re being unreasonable without knowing the details. Is he busy getting kids to bed and then packing lunches and cleaning etc and is just to tired to talk about his day, when nothing interesting happened?

I hate talking on the phone and this would not work for me (I’m a woman). DH and I just slowly started spending more nights together than apart, and then got engaged and now married. When one of us travels, we almost never talk on the phone unless there’s something specific to discuss. We may FaceTime to say hi to the kids.

I spoke with him about it once. He acknowledged that I was stating what I wanted. He said that sometimes his days are stressful and he wants alone time to process. He is also the father of an 11 year old, so I know that takes up time, which is why I just would like a couple of mins after his child is in bed.

He has always emphasized the importance of wanting to be exclusive with me, but on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element.

[Anonymous]

OP the request is reasonable but not for the reason you’re citing. You’re checking up on him, keeping tabs on him, and that is controlling and inappropriate. Either you trust him enough to sleep with him and be in a relationship with him or you don’t. Keeping tabs is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. I like our relationship a lot. But there is one thing that really bothers me and I’m not sure if I’m being too high maintenance by needing this, and would like your thoughts. I want to have a nightly call with my boyfriend every day. It doesn’t have to be long. A few mins is fine. I just want to hear his voice and connect daily that way. We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other. We are both 43 if that matters. Am I being high maintenance?

Yes

[Anonymous]

"We currently text every day, see each other 2-3 times a week, and talk on the phone 50% of the nights we don’t see each other."

Based on your statement above, it sounds like you are talking about ONE (maybe TWO) days a week that you don't talk on the phone but "only" text?

Yes, high maintenance!

[Anonymous]

I think you're being a bit immature if the reason you don't feel like you're in a serious monogamous relationship is because he doesn't call you every night to affirm he's home and say goodnight. You say you text throughout the day and that half the nights you do talk on the phone. It seems like you have some kind of insecurity that you need to prove he's home alone at night.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, it sounds controlling to me. And what if he isn’t home and is out with friends? Is he supposed to step out and call you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him this? What is his response? Hard to say if you’re being unreasonable without knowing the details. Is he busy getting kids to bed and then packing lunches and cleaning etc and is just to tired to talk about his day, when nothing interesting happened?

I hate talking on the phone and this would not work for me (I’m a woman). DH and I just slowly started spending more nights together than apart, and then got engaged and now married. When one of us travels, we almost never talk on the phone unless there’s something specific to discuss. We may FaceTime to say hi to the kids.

I spoke with him about it once. He acknowledged that I was stating what I wanted. He said that sometimes his days are stressful and he wants alone time to process. He is also the father of an 11 year old, so I know that takes up time, which is why I just would like a couple of mins after his child is in bed.

He has always emphasized the importance of wanting to be exclusive with me, but on my end I’m unable to feel like we are for sure in a monogamous relationship without this element.

Wait what? You want the nightly call to ensure that he’s not with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Speaking every single day should not be a requirement. And to further stipulate that a daytime call doesn’t cut the mustard is off-the-charts high maintenance.