At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean my father introduced me to his AP as a teen. I was cool about it though, as I hated my step mother and knew he wanted a divorce (she cheated first and was abusive)

It's all subjective.

Your dad has been twice divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

exactly.

[Anonymous]

I would hope there are no introductions until the divorce is final, at the very least. In practice, at least anecdotally, that seems to be a minority opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Eye roll. You definitely can have too much change in a short period of time. And you definitely can have too many people foisted into your home when you don't want them there. Call that love if you want, I call it annoying.

Maybe your eyes were rolling too hard to read properly. There is no foisting into a home in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Eye roll. You definitely can have too much change in a short period of time. And you definitely can have too many people foisted into your home when you don't want them there. Call that love if you want, I call it annoying.

Maybe your eyes were rolling too hard to read properly. There is no foisting into a home in my situation.

Not yet, but that's your long term plan, isn't it? And they will know, because they aren't stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean my father introduced me to his AP as a teen. I was cool about it though, as I hated my step mother and knew he wanted a divorce (she cheated first and was abusive)

It's all subjective.

Your dad has been twice divorced?

No, just once. My mom died when I was a baby. First marriage after that failed after 12 years as she was a cheating narcissist. He eventually found a woman after the divorce finalized, dated 7 years and have been happily married the past 2. So only one failed marriage.

[Anonymous]

After all legal stuff is final and you k ow they re the one.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not until the divorce is final. And I think it’s weird the boyfriend wants to be “on the team” with teenagers. Teens don’t need the logistical support that younger kids need. What they need is loving adults who are their cheerleaders. But not until after the divorce is finalized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Thank you. If my own mom had left her abuser and found someone to love her, I would've had better modeling of happier relationships than I do now.

People on this site follow some wackoconservative version of The Rules™. Or at least they want others to do so; who knows what people are like in their real lives.

The idea that mothers (just mothers, right?) are expected to remove any romantic involvement from the picture if their marriage breaks down is rooted in misogyny and slut-shaming. It's fine to date. It's fine to tell your kids, if they're old enough to understand it. And if they see someone loving their mom better than their dad did, GREAT! If he'd been a good role model on that front, he'd still be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!

And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".

It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.

Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.

I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.

Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.

Don’t rotate people through your life.

Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.

Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.

Lol because they aren’t even divorced yet. 1st and only… you can’t promise that…. Plus add dad’s girlfriends, that’s multiple people.

Of course she thinks they will live happily ever after but I doubt it and I doubt he agrees. If it’s serious get engaged.

This is the bs right here: Dad's allowed multiple girlfriends to pump/dump, but mom can't have a serious relationship known to her kids.

[Anonymous]

I love how all the "not until the divorce is finalized" folx completely ignore how many people weaponized that societal standard and drag the divorce proceedings out as a way of controlling and abusing their not-yet-ex.

When it's done, it's done. "All over but the paperwork" is done. Don't be a judgmental dick over petty logistics. They're not getting back together, and if one of them is stalling, it shouldn't preclude the other from moving on and seeking a better relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Eye roll. You definitely can have too much change in a short period of time. And you definitely can have too many people foisted into your home when you don't want them there. Call that love if you want, I call it annoying.

Maybe your eyes were rolling too hard to read properly. There is no foisting into a home in my situation.

Not yet, but that's your long term plan, isn't it? And they will know, because they aren't stupid.

Bitter much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Thank you. If my own mom had left her abuser and found someone to love her, I would've had better modeling of happier relationships than I do now.

People on this site follow some wackoconservative version of The Rules™. Or at least they want others to do so; who knows what people are like in their real lives.

The idea that mothers (just mothers, right?) are expected to remove any romantic involvement from the picture if their marriage breaks down is rooted in misogyny and slut-shaming. It's fine to date. It's fine to tell your kids, if they're old enough to understand it. And if they see someone loving their mom better than their dad did, GREAT! If he'd been a good role model on that front, he'd still be around.

Sure, just keep in mind that the vast majority of kids who are physically and sexually abused are violated by unrelated biological males in the home, who often are mom’s new boyfriend.

Personally I think OP should wait until they are engaged or near engaged but at the very least don’t have him sleeping over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Thank you. If my own mom had left her abuser and found someone to love her, I would've had better modeling of happier relationships than I do now.

People on this site follow some wackoconservative version of The Rules™. Or at least they want others to do so; who knows what people are like in their real lives.

The idea that mothers (just mothers, right?) are expected to remove any romantic involvement from the picture if their marriage breaks down is rooted in misogyny and slut-shaming. It's fine to date. It's fine to tell your kids, if they're old enough to understand it. And if they see someone loving their mom better than their dad did, GREAT! If he'd been a good role model on that front, he'd still be around.

Nope. We expect men to not parade a cadre of women through their children's lives either.

It's not wacko conservative to say go bang whoever you want but don't bring them around the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.

I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.

Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.

I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.

I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.

Eye roll. You definitely can have too much change in a short period of time. And you definitely can have too many people foisted into your home when you don't want them there. Call that love if you want, I call it annoying.

Maybe your eyes were rolling too hard to read properly. There is no foisting into a home in my situation.

Not yet, but that's your long term plan, isn't it? And they will know, because they aren't stupid.

Bitter much?

Looks like that post hit too close to home.